Thank you all for the support.  I think I have finally convinced him to sign a rental contract on a condo and move out. He has been dragging his feet but I have been persistent. You are all correct that I cannot heal without this separation taking place. It will be painful for me and our son but I will be able to reclaim my life sooner when he is not around. Thank you for helping me to get through this hoop of fire. How many more will I have to jump through to save myself?  I am gradually feeling less love for him. I wish I felt as little for him as he feels for me. My therapist thinks I should go to alanon because I still question his motives. Is he a narcissist? I think it's normal to wonder about that when I was gaslighted so well. I went to alanon years ago and always felt worse. I felt blamed.  I despise the word codependent. How can a loving spouse be called that?  Isn't a committed marriage co-dependent by definition?  Aren't you supposed to think of the needs of the other person?  I set plenty of boundaries he just lied about all of them. But my marriage is over now. I have the double blessing of GIDSTBX Alcoholic husband. Shall I bring that up in the alanon meetings too?  Ha ha. I don't want to go to alanon. I want to do something fun instead. I have 2 buckets of shame he gave me to carry around. I want to know how to not carry them any longer. I think I can finally start saying we are "separated".  It is still not financially in my best interest to divorce. But I can consider myself a free agent when he leaves. I feel so old I can't imagine another man in my life. I think the biggest mistake I made was being "all in" for my marriage. I used to believe in marriage so much!!!!  Not any more.

Kel wrote:

It's almost impossible to move on when you're dealing with the destruction daily in front of your eyes.  It's like expecting to emotionally heal from a horrible tornado when you're still sitting among the rubble.  The start of that process is looking around and realizing what's gone.  You've done that.  The next part of the process is getting rid of all of the destruction - and not living in it while that's being done.  That's where you're stuck because you get to deal with the fallout because you're still living in a house with no roof and you feel it every time the wind blows or it so much as sprinkles.  It simply cannot be done - you must get to a safe place where you are in no more danger of the elements reigning over you.  One of you has to leave in order to do that.  Otherwise it's like trying to ignore that the torn-up house full of holes has let in a family of raccoons who are now wrecking havoc on your life as you try to clean up the mess.

The issue, I know, is trying to get him out.  How does a person do that when their spouse clearly is making no headway on doing that?  It's a question without a good answer considering that we cannot just legally toss someone out without the legal system insisting that they be allowed back in.  I mean,.... you could TRY it - put all his stuff into boxes and bags and have it all out on the driveway when he gets home.  He might not know his rights enough to know that you can't do that.  Maybe he'll call the cops and you will be informed that you can't do that - then you're really not in any different of a place than you are now.  Fine - then the packed-up boxes come back into the home, which will make it inconvenient to live for him.  It sends a clear warning shot that you're dead serious about him getting OUT, though.  Then he cannot be surprised with the next day he is contacted by his lawyer to say that you've started proceedings to have him removed from the house.  Right now he wants to live as though nothing will happen until he makes it happen.  Make it clear that you're not at his mercy.  He currently thinks he's able to get away with doing exactly what he wants, because well...... you're not able to do a thing about it.  But if you make him miserable enough, he'll likely leave.  You could start asking him every 10 minutes when he's leaving.  You could move him out of the bedroom if you're still sharing it.  You could ask your lawyer for suggestions on getting your ex out - what your rights are, and what options you have.  Do everything you can to get him to move out.  I know that seems redundant - because of course you're already doing that.  But kick it into high gear and see what happens.  He's too comfortable right now.  Until he's uncomfortable, he's not going to move out.

As for people telling you that you need to just get over it, that's bullshit.  You simply cannot do that until he's out.  It's the same thing as you living in a tornado house and them telling you that you're strong and to just get over it - that storms happen.  No one would say that to someone still sitting among the rubble.  They may not understand that's what you're up against.  They may assume that you're simply not getting over the loss of the marriage, when you haven't even gotten to that point yet.

Is there any way for you and your son to move out temporarily?  I mean, I know it sounds counterintuitive.  But it might be necessary to start the healing.  You could always move back in later, after the divorce is final and he's REQUIRED to move out.  It's something to think about.
Kel

THIS!  Helped me so much to think of where I am. He is signing the condo lease tonight. He will be moving out. I am happy and sad. Thank you for taking the time to support an anonymous person in pain.

Goonnowgo wrote:

Rob, thank you for the e-hug and the support. Your ex is a moron to lose you.

Goonow,

You know I've been coming here a long time..   and that has to be the most uplifting thank you I've ever
gotten.      Thanks!

I was co-dependent also ...I thought that one was supposed to be dependent on their spouse and best friend.  But
as we need to get away from the hurt...its important to severe that dependency..   It was the first book my therapist gave me;  Co-dependent No More.    It took me awhile as I was married a long time.

Its took me a long time to process TGT, the abuse, the lies that I was a horrible person, and take back what
self esteem I had left.    Myself and my kids  (and you folks here) are now the recipients of my empathy, strengths, resources, and fierce loyal love.   I could not have tried harder or done anything different.   I know deep in my bones I could not have tried harder or done anything different.    

I'm free from the abuse  and hurt now..  and for that I'm am eternally grateful.   ]


Another e-hug

 

Rob, seriously, you are full of fierce, loyal love. You are a wolf!  That is what I wanted from my own moronic man but he turned out to be the opposite. You protected your children and wanted to keep your pack together. Woves know their purpose is to protect the pack. They love being together and are not designed to live apart  I hope you find a female wolf who is worthy of you.

Abby wrote:

Good luck!  Since you are easing him out of your life I agree that going back to Ala-non might not be the best course of action for you now.

As time goes on and you are not with him you may realize that in your marriage your energy was focused on him to an unhealthy extent. I did not realize how co-dependent I was until I met a man and expected him to be incapable of taking care of most of his life because in my marriage I had done so much.

I am not suggesting dating but do try to be around people who are not in the midst of crisis themselves. Remember that slogan "Fake it 'til you make it." Try to be the person you want to be.

Abby,
I hope so much that I will see these truths when he moves out!  Thank you for the wisdom.