Dear Turning Dove,

My heart sank and stomach turned when I read your posts because I could have written them too.  But you are so far ahead of where I was when I started on my journey that I strongly suspect that you are going to get through this very well.  

Can you explore the idea of having a caregiver come in and take care or you or going to a Rehab Center after your surgery?  If not, having your H take care of you is a viable alternative so long as you can mentally tolerate living with him until you have recovered.  Make whatever arrangements you need to make to get well and then tackle TGT (The Gay Thing). 

So sorry you are here, but so glad you found us. You are not alone.

Last edited by WendiT (August 9, 2016 11:21 am)

Kel and Dove: Love your indignation and fire! I feel bad about so much wasted time with my STBXW just like you speak of time. She also made me feel like my desire for her was my problem! I'll find someone yet that will have zeal and be true. But I ain't so young myself anymore! We have a number of beautiful little children.
 

Well now I found out I have herpes.

He had to have gotten it from someone.

Or was it off a doorknob or from a toilet seat.

He is numero uno on my anger list, but I am not giving a pass to his partners. I read two hookup exchanges and the women both knew he was married. They thought it was a turn on that they were colluding with my husband to do wrong behind my back.

One of them even friended me on Facebook and was so nice! She was explained as a former schoolmate of his just keeping in touch like other schoolmates of his do.

As for the men and women he cheated on me with, sure it's their bodies to do what they want with. But I still hate them because their disease has been passed on to my husband and then passed onto me against my will.

Don't I have a right to control what happens to my body? Or is his and their pleasure more important than my health?

Sure I understand women who go through a promiscuous exploration stage.

But when it comes to advertising that they'll do anything (including raw dogging it and blowjobs without a condom) to anyone and having a closeup profile picture of their vagina spread wide open, I'm sorry that is an unpaid whore. That's also a person with serious mental problems.

Same thing with the men on their looking to service other guys. Or looking for women to do the riskiest unprotected sex. It's like they are writing a menu for sex acts.

I don't equate that behavior with what Kel described. Go look at Adult Friendfinder. That's a lot different than normal sexual exploration.

Also, who knows prostitutes are probably putting these ads on Adult Friendfinder making it look like it's free and mentioning they want money after someone makes contact.

So where does this leave me?

First of all, I am an untouchable when it comes to trying to meet a new man to love and be loved by.

I refuse to lie to and fool people by omitting the fact that I have an incurable sexually transmitted disease.

This situation is also not something to be "eased into once you know him better."

A man is going to be rightfully upset if he spends his time and money wooing a woman and then she drops this bombshell.

So now I don't even have hope for a happier future. I'm going to be alone. I grew up in a family with 7 kids. I don't do alone well.

I should probably not be upset or try not to because I must have bad luck with men. My first husband died very young of cancer. My current marriage is a trainwreck.

Last edited by Turning Dove (August 13, 2016 4:38 pm)

Kel wrote:

Turning Dove,

You're very angry, and understandably so.  Anger can be great fuel - but only if it's focused enough and aimed in the right direction.  Your anger right now is like a wide net - it's being thrown out into the angry sea that has battered your little boat.  But you cannot catch the sea - it is too large and elusive.  You can only catch the fish that are battering at the boat.  Everything else it outside of your realm of control.

ALL your anger should be focused on what your husband has done to you, not at every person who's ever slept with him.  They have NOTHING to do with what's happened to you.  You may think they do, because without them, your husband would have slept with no one.  But that's all just extrapolated thinking.  If your husband was never born he couldn't have cheated on you either, but we aren't going to blame his mother for having given birth to him. What went wrong here is that HE chose to be a cheater and not hold fast to his vows to you to love and cherish you, and to forsake all others for you.  HE did that.  Those other people didn't have any obligation to you - heck, they may not have even known he was married.  If not in a committed relationship themselves, they have every right to go sleep with as many people as they desire.  You may find it immoral, but that's their business - it's between them, their bodies, and God.  They did nothing to hurt you specifically - they don't know you and have no commitment to you.  YOUR HUSBAND DID.  HE is the one who has harmed you here.  HE is the one who deserves every bit of your anger.  To dilute your anger and cast too wide of a net will give you no eventual satisfaction - you will never get anything out of it but a vague anger, and frankly, it lets him off the hook because it blames others at least party for what he did to you.

I have gone through seasons in my life when I was wild, and slept with a lot of men.  I did it because I felt like it - it's what I wanted at the time.  It didn't make me worse than a prostitute because I was giving it away for free.  I wasn't GIVING it - I was experiencing what I wanted - for me.  I was neither giving or taking - I was experiencing - for my own benefit.  Men do it all the time, and no one calls them worse than prostitutes because they're giving it away.  When we say that men take and women give (sex), we are saying that women are on a different footing than men - that we are to remain pure, and that men can hunt what they want.  It's not fair, and I get tired of women being held to such a high standard.  If I wanted to sleep around, then I had the same right to do with my body what men were doing.  I was no worse or better.

Keep your focus where it should be - on what was done against you.  It can only be done against YOU if the individuals doing it are a) aware of your existence, and b) if they have a commitment to you.  That leaves ONE person responsible, hon.  Focus your laser on him and you'll get much further.

I wish you the best -

Kel

Men are called dogs. Being called a dog is not a term of respect. It's a term to warn others who might think of getting involved with him that he's a cheater. So men get negative push back as well.

What I'm talking about is not the usual sexual exploration and I do not disapprove of women who want to do this. I imagine women in a sexual exploration phase care about the possibility of disease and take the necessary precautions like any other sane and sensible person would.

What I'm pissed about has the stench to it of recklessness and disregard for their own health and the health of others that down the line will be affected by their diseases. This is what whores do, especially the many who are drug addicts and will do anything for a fix. That's why I have more respect for whores who get paid to have unsafe sex with indiscriminate men. At least their reason is business, not self-disregard and desperation for attention.

My opinion on this matter does not extend to normal women who are exploring their sexuality.

Last edited by Turning Dove (August 13, 2016 3:25 pm)

Thank you, Kel and I'm sorry you (and all those going through TGT) have been hurt and blindsided by a disloyal, lying spouse.

I told him over the phone I have herpes and I got some typical jackass responses.

"I could have gotten it from a toilet seat."

"The girlfriend I had before you had herpes, but we only had sex when she was not having an outbreak. She must have given it to me."

Actually, I know who she is and where she works. I thought of calling her and telling her he said she gave him herpes.

Then I thought again ... why ruin her day by telling her this drivel??

He's a pathological liar anyway. I don't believe him. Even if it was true (and I think he's full of crap), he should have mentioned it long ago, but he's full of lies and deception about his sexual history and sexual doings.

He does seem worried about HIV even though my test was negative. (I will be testing again for this in 3 months and then 6 months.)

He said he is going to ask his doctor about an HIV test. When I asked him if he is going to talk to the doctor about herpes, he said no. I asked him why is he going to lie to his doctor, he said he is only going to tell the doctor if he specifically asks.

This husband of mine is a nightmare, dragging me deeper and deeper into the knowledge of his double life. First women. Then men (although now he denies doing anything with men). Next I have one of the incurable STDs. What next? Should I prepare to test positive for HIV within the next 6 months? He sure seems worried about that one.

Ugh! I feel like I have been married to a complete stranger for 12 years.

Last edited by Turning Dove (August 13, 2016 11:41 pm)