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Last edited by Duped (August 28, 2019 2:11 pm)

Sunflower - I love that tattoo

Finally you can believe you're enough, so sorry it took so long for so many of us to realise that! Yes, I was surprised also that this thread didn't gain more traction.

While I feel so sorry for the younger people who have young kids going through this I also feel a huge sense of regret for us older people who were denied truth and choice in life, the fact that someone felt entitled to make such life decisions on our behalf without a conscience is horrific when you think about it. I'm 55, a little over two years since discovery and 5 months post divorce. Not a place where I thought I'd be at this age but a hell of a lot better off than being a character in someone else's pantomime!

Duped,
    You are absolutely correct that we can do it.  I'm surrounded by women who do it; the women in my family are especially mighty.  My sister runs heavy machinery, and built her own house and solar system.  My cousin never married, built herself a wonderful life filled with the animals she loves.  I know I can do what I set my mind to.  And what I can't, I can hire out for.   

 Gigi, I'm wondering what it is that you need and what you think we can do for each other.  Can you say what it is?   It is help with practical matters?  Or is more emotional support from those who understand what it's like to have been scammed for most of a lifetime?  Help or advice cultivating a new social network?  How to decide on where and when to move to retirement housing and what kind of community one should look for?
I ask because I myself am at a little bit of a loss about what this thread is for.  I see how the particulars or our situations (living years with deception; the difficulty of finding a new partner at over 50; the financial ramifications for later life; dealing with adult children) are different from the particulars of those who are younger, but the essential deception and the pain of being discarded is so similar.  And the younger people have similar pressures: the financial ones of having to re-enter the workforce or become the main source of support, for example; or social ones, such as learning how to co-parent with their ex's and deal with their children's reactions over divorce, and worrying about how to meet a new partner and whether they can trust their instincts.  

  

Count me into the over 50 group. I am concerned about protecting myself and my son financially as much as possible. I still have many financial decisions to make. Have any of you kept your home after the ex moved out? How is it working for you?  Too much emotional baggage? Or can you make it your own so to speak?

This is a great thread idea.  I was just reading up the other day on the phenomenon of gray divorce and its affect on women.  The statistics aren't encouraging but they sure can be motivating! There is so much to overcome when deciding to divorce:  finances, health insurance, employability if you've been out of the job market for a few decades, possible change in socio-economic class, etc.  I lived in the marital home with my son (the Court removed my GX due to his violence) until we had a post-nup and the house was sold (three years to get this all done).  I had no desire to live there anymore; the place was toxic.  A year after I filed for divorce, I was diagnosed with cancer.  If I ever had any sympathy for my X, my cancer diagnosis killed it.  His only comment was that it was what I deserved for refusing to stay married to him and he was glad to know he'd most likely not have to pay the full alimony amount as I would most likely die first (I kid you not)!  Obviously, I am still very much alive and have managed to beat my cancer back to barely detectable levels.  My personal goal is for it to be undetectable and for me to stop the daily chemo that I give myself.  The X will be furious that I had the audacity to keep living - chuckle!

Needless to say, I had a lot on my plate during the divorce.  Our marital home was on a 20 acre property so required lots of care and upkeep.  I had always been the one who took care of the place so I was fairly familiar with things.  I made a decision to learn anything that I needed to in order to move my life forward.  I remember changing toilet bowl seals and flappers, replacing door locks and handles, fixing leaking pipes, caulking windows and installing and rewiring new fluorescent lights in the barn.  I remember punching my fist in the air saying "You GO girl" the first time I hooked the batwing mower up all by myself!  All the "stuff" was actually very therapeutic for me.  I went from the crying, "I can't" defeated woman with a so called incurable cancer to one who just looked at the task at hand and said, "OK, so what do I need to learn to figure it out?"  I refused to be defeated by a toilet, a light bulb, a door knob, a cancer diagnosis or a gay husband.  As Eleanor Roosevelt said, "Women are like tea bags, the longer you keep them in hot water, the stronger they become!"  I have become acquainted with my own strength through this process and am no longer willing to stand in the shadows while my life ticks away.  

 Finances are a big focus for me right now and they continue to improve.  I have become an investor.  I also buy and sell stocks and currencies.  I don't buy anything that can't be turned into an asset in some way.  I love to write and now get paid for it.  I am also studying for my Health Coach certification exam.  When I filed for divorce, I sat down and developed a life plan for myself.  Throughout the year I sit down with it and measure my progress and update my goals as life brings new opportunities to me.  This activity lets me see just how far I have come in building a new life.  I think as long as we continue to educate ourselves about what we need to know to create a great life and take action, we can keep moving on and healing from what happened in our past.  We can also build the health, wealth and wisdom that we never would have had a chance to build if we had stayed in the former relationship.  So glad we have this thread to share ideas on!  Thanks for starting it!