trusty, these are the posts that give those of us who are still in the trenches, hope for the future. Good luck moving forward and I hope you will still check in here and let us know how it goes. Cheers!

It's really difficult to accept someone telling you that they don't want to be with you anymore.  But the thing is..... you don't have to equate it with "You're not good enough".  So often, we do.  We inherently know that we cannot and will not be able to make a good partner to EVERYone on the planet.  And we get that - because lots of people have very different goals than us - they like drugs, or they're super driven with regards to money, or they really are okay with a rock-bottom lifestyle so long as they can do very little.  We get that we don't want that kind of life, so we're okay with no one in that category wanting us - because we don't want them, either.  They can be fine people, but they just don't match up well with what we want from our life.

Once you have a relationship you like with a person though, it can be very difficult to let go - especially if you were okay with continuing on status quo, but they aren't.  It feels like there must be SOMEthing we can do to turn things around.  We'd be giving up otherwise, right?  Except that most times, by the time a person throws in a towel on a relationship (especially a marriage with children), they've been unhappy for a long time and have thought it over a million times before gaining the strength to get to the point where you can hurt your partner just so you can get out.  But still - we think that maybe we can make them happy anyway.  The truth is that they've already thought of that.  They came to the point of wanting to leave because they think that there IS no way for them to be happy in their current scenario.  And that's likely because they've changed, or they saw that their pipe dream isn't going to work, after all.  It's not fun, but the truth is, they're likely right - they cannot be happy in the relationship they're currently in.  Maybe because they've changed (and now embrace that they're gay).  Maybe because they thought from the beginning they loved you "enough" to make this work, but now they see they were mistaken.  The bottom line is that it's not necessarily your fault.  But you do need to believe them when they say that they don't want to stay in this relationship.  That's their right.  And they're likely right.  It's just that YOU can't see yourself as happy withOUT them.  Catch-22.  The real issue is that once they've determined they're unhappy enough to leave, convincing them to stay isn't going to work.

It feels very powerless - like you need to give up on a love that you don't want to give up on.  But in the end, you can only ever be happy in a relationship if both partners want to be with the other person.  Period.  So if they don't want to/can't stay, you're not going to be happy anyway - no matter what happens.  That sucks, and it's a difficult journey.  But you need to tell yourself that you need - and deserve - someone that is just DYING to be with you.  Someone who feels lucky just to be in your life.  And if this person isn't that, then it's a damned good thing you're being freed up so you can find that for yourself.  Because it's SO worth it.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (October 26, 2017 4:20 pm)

Hi trusty -

I'm glad you got her to move out rather than needing to leave yourself.  I'm also happy to hear that the kids are dealing with it as best they can.

I must be the only person on the planet that feels that the kids are entitled to the truth.  I really don't give a rat's ass what my ex wants anymore.  I'm not trying to be vindictive - I just don't have his best interest in mind anymore.  I'm still decent and kind, by MY best interest is my main concern - and my children's best interest is my concern.  Everyone but him, really.  He's proven that he WILL look out for his own needs, even if it comes at a cost to me more than himself.  So f*ck that noise.

I rarely hide anything of big importance from my kids, though.  Mine are teenagers now - the youngest two being 14 and 16.  When I got a routine mammogram and had to get a ultrasound and then had to wait for the biopsy, I told the kids as I was waiting for the results.  Because if it came back positive, they were going to need some warning of what the household was dealing with.  And if it came back negative, it was good exposure that not everything scary winds up coming true (and it did turn out to be benign).  I talk to my daughter about my sister dating again after divorce.  The last guy sounded really nice, so my daughter didn't understand when my sister phased the guy out.  I told her that he had a daily cannabis habit, and had cheated a LOT on his ex wife - both things he openly admitted to my sister.  And honesty is great - but it's not ALL that's important.  My sister had gone through so much crap with her ex husband regarding drugs that she wanted someone who was completely (illegal) drug free.  And she thought that someone who cheated that extensively - while he may have learned his lesson - was not a good bet.  Red flags that matter.  I think it's a way to expose my daughter to how adults make responsible decisions - that's it's not all about love and rainbows just because you love them.  My sister loved her ex husband too, and my daughter can clearly see how unhealthy that relationship was.

I've also spent plenty of time with my daughter talking about relationships - and how the one I had with her father was never going to bring me satisfaction, because it didn't have what I needed.  I don't talk about the nuances that told me he was gay.  But she can see the difference between how my now husband treats me vs. my ex - how this one has stars in his eyes for me.  AND that he's a good man - hard-working, honest, true, caring, and protective.  I need her to see that those things are necessary for a rewarding relationship for herself some day.  And she DOES see it - she's said to me plenty of times that my (now) husband treats me so well - the way she wants someone to treat her someday.  She's also riding along with me on the emotional roller-coaster of a best friend who has just become too demanding over the years, and how sometimes it's not worth it to beg someone for their friendship while you attempt to be perfect and not do anything to piss them off.  These are lessons she needs for now and her future.

I think it's a good lesson that sometimes, love is about more than love.  It's just as much about getting a good match in who you choose to spend all your time with.  And someone who isn't attracted to people of the opposite sex just..... can't..... WORK.  They need these lessons.  It's not personal - it doesn't mean that Mommy wanted to not love Daddy in the way a wife loves a husband.  And it doesn't mean that you guys are less committed to them (the kids) than when you all lived together.  It just needed to go in a different direction because it couldn't work the other way.  I'm not sure there is a more important life lesson than that one.  That sometimes, you can have the best of intentions and try really hard, but that certain things are deal breakers.  And that if someone decides that they don't want to be with you, it's not the end of the world.  Life goes on, and you have to accept the bad stuff as much as the good.  And that life still offers plenty of happiness and future opportunities.

Kel
 

Last edited by Kel (December 20, 2017 10:35 am)

The thing is trusty, you get to decide what the kids are going to know, too.  Right now it feels like this is HER secret, and you need her permission to tell anyone about it.  But this is YOUR marriage, and it's happening to YOU, and it does have a reason, and you ARE permitted to speak the truth to anyone you so choose to.  She cannot stop you.

Or look at this way.  She's dictating what she wants done with the marriage, with her name, with the living situation (or at least she was trying to), and now she gets to dictate whom you speak the truth to, too?  She doesn't get full rights to that, and you feel as though you just need to accommodate her.  What if you insisted that she tell everyone - would she?  I'd bet not.  She doesn't plan on doing what you want.  It means you don't have to do what she wants, either.

When it comes to the kids in particular, obviously you should choose what you think is best for THEM - no matter what that winds up being.  And it doesn't mean the answer is the same 3 years from now as it is right now.  Right now maybe they can learn that "Mommy just didn't love Daddy the way a wife was supposed to love a husband".  It's.the.truth.  And it doesn't bring sexuality into it, per se.  And it's not saying that she didn't love you at all - just not the right way.

Heck, I'd use that as an intro for anyone who questions you that might need the truth explained to them in pieces - or gently.  Like her family.  If it comes how you two "grew apart" as she's decided to tell them, I'd say, "Well, I don't agree with that - from my perspective, that's not what happened at all."  And then let them ask you what your perspective is.  Then it's time to say, "She didn't love me the way a wife should love a husband."  That's a bit cryptic, and if the listener doesn't ask for more info, they may just take your statement to mean she didn't keep a clean enough house.  But if they press for more, that's when I'd say, "She was clear to me that she couldn't love ANY man the way a woman was supposed to love a man."  This is all the truth.  And it really puts the root of the problem out there vs. he said/she said or how it all went down.  They should get it.  If not, you get to decide if you want to go further ("she doesn't like men romantically"), or just leave it alone for that person to extrapolate.  If the latter, you could just say, "I don't really want to get too much more personal than that - it brings up how powerless I've felts since she told me this.", or tell them that it brings up too much trauma for you.  All words designed to let them know that this wasn't your decision, and that it's been very difficult for you.

My point is that she doesn't get to decide things unilaterally anymore.  She doesn't just get to throw a pipe bomb at in the midst of her own family and then tell all of you who are wounded, "Shhhhh,.... when people ask why you're bleeding, just tell them you're not sure, either.  That it happened because there was a difference of opinion between the two sides - they grew apart and it resulted in this."  You won't be able to insist that she tells the kids, either.  But you CAN say, "The kids need to know.  We need to come to an agreement on what words to say and how.  If you refuse, then you're leaving that decision completely up to me - because they WILL be told."  That's what I had to do in the end with my ex.  He kept saying he was going to tell them, but I firmly believe they still to this day (7 years later) still wouldn't know if I didn't decide to tell them myself.  I gave him ample time.  And in the meantime, I told all my family and friends what really happened.  They are MY family and MY friends - I can tell them whatever the f*ck I want, and he can't stop me.

Kel
 

Tell your kids in an age appropriate manner and anyone else that YOU deem appropriate.  Truth builds trust and you are not required to destroy your other relationships to cover up someone else’s deceit.  Let her learn to take responsibility for her actions.

Last edited by Baffled (August 23, 2018 2:01 pm)