Some people are able to make their mixed orientation marriages work.  We actually have a sub-forum dedicated to that goal.   If both parties love each other and can communicate and agree to boundaries and meet on what they need from the marriage, then it can work.  It's not an easy road though and most are unsuccessful.  But we want to support those who wish to try as well as those who wish to leave.  

Hi Roo,

Welcome to the place no one wishes they needed to be.  But we're here for you - we've been through this (or are currently going through it), and we know all the feelings and stages associated with what you're feeling.

What he's doing to you isn't okay.  It seems to be our first impulse to look at the sexuality as the issue - and that is at the root of the issue.  But the real issue isn't that he's gay - it's that he likely has been all along, and he married you for a reason known only to him - maybe it was to hide the fact that he's not straight.  Maybe it was to fool himself into thinking that he's straight.  Maybe he was afraid of truly being gay because he's scared of family/friend disapproval or rejection.  Whatever it was, it wasn't right.  He put you on like a coat - thinking that if he wore a fur, he'd look rich.  He had to realize at some point that the fur he was wearing belonged to another living, breathing being, and taking it was selfish and cruel.  And that in order to take it for himself, he had to kill off the being it truly belonged to.  But he decided he didn't care - that his needs were more important than yours, and so you were just collateral damage on his way to appearing the way he wanted to.  That's ALL that was important - from the very beginning.  Even if he wasn't cheating on you then.

Since then, he's decided that he'll keep "wearing" you, and doing what he likes in secret.  While no fault of your own, what you did when you asked to meet the other man was give your husband the silent message that his unfaithfulness was something that deserved attention and acceptance.  That is was important - more important than you.  It deserved its own spotlight when the spotlight was always supposed to be the marriage.  This validated your husband's need to focus on this deep-seated need of his, and bolstered his nerve to do even more of it.  Even if he said otherwise - that he knew this was hurting you and he'd stop - he secretly felt even more encouragement to keep up what he wanted on the side.  Because you knew about it at some point, and didn't leave.  He was able to convince you with his words that you are important, loved and wanted.  So he'll just use the same tactic again next time, since it worked.  He likely hid it better for a time period, and then when he thought he was safe from you knowing again, he became careless and more confident in your naivete.

When fear of leaving creeps in, sometimes it's easier to think about what people would say if they knew what you knew, but you stayed anyway.  Would they think me a fool for staying, too?  If so, then I may as well do what I really want if both staying and leaving are going to get me judgement anyway.  I went through some judgement when I decided to leave my gay ex (whom I didn't yet have confirmation that he was gay when I asked for the divorce).  People didn't know what I knew, and they were very focused (rightfully so) on my children, and how breaking up the family would affect them.  I had to assure everyone that I had thoroughly thought this thing out and had come to the conclusion that I couldn't be happy staying - and that unhappy parents can't raise happy children.  It's been about 7 years now since disclosure, and I've been joyously remarried now for 4.5 years (having been with this man for a total of 6 years now).  I've been happy for 6 years now.  If I'd have stayed, I would just have racked up another 7 years of unhappiness.  The people who judged me (mostly my parents and sibling) got over it quickly - especially since they saw the children and I even happier after I found an amazing man who treated the kids and I wonderfully, and took care of us all better than we'd ever been cared for before.  I got healthier and happier, as did the kids.  I'm sure none of them would ever suggest I go back to my ex now.  They see the truth now - that ending the marriage was right for me, and I became very happy after I started walking down the path I determined was the LESS scary one for me.

I would think that your greatest challenge at this point would be trying to live every day in the house as if nothing's wrong.  Trying to hide your feelings until you decide what to do, but then wondering if the further away you get from the shock of betrayal, if you'll become more comfortable and forgiving of it all and just continue on in the empty existence you're now in.  You need to give yourself permission to be angry, upset, and confrontational.  That you are entitled to faithfulness in your monogamous marriage, and that you should by all rights be furious and he should be on the defensive - not the other way around.  Once you give yourself permission to feel that way, and accept that that's how any other normal person would behave in your situation, you'll start getting somewhere.  Because acceptance of his behavior (whether silent or spoken) still results in you being less valued in the relationship than his needs are - by BOTH of you.  And that's just not right.

You're not too old to start over.  It's not too late to still find the love of your life and live happily ever after.  It's not too late to start taking care of yourself and demanding what you're entitled to, come hell or high water.  You are valuable, you are entitled to faithfulness when that's what you were promised, and you're well within your rights to decide that you've decided that it'd be foolish to believe what he says anymore.  This is YOUR life - it's up to you to live it.  It ain't over 'till the fat lady sings.  Is she singing?  No?  Then it ain't over, sister.  Go write your own future if you've decided that he's not worthy to write yours with you.

You do NOT need his buy-in to decide to end the marriage.  We think this because we've always viewed this relationship as a joint decision, and it feels "off" to make decisions about ending the thing that belongs to both of you.  But he's been making decisions about your marriage on his own for a long time already - and they aren't to your benefit or to the benefit of the marriage.  He's dropped a toxic bomb into the midst of the relationship - he has no right to expect or demand that you continue to work it out after he did that.  You don't have to talk,talk,talk it out in order to walk away.  We think that ending something this big deserves a lot of discussion.  But once it gets to the point where the other person is just using you, they know that, and they know that YOU know that, then you can say "I'm DONE - you know why, and it's not up for negotiation.", and freaking walk out the door.  It's entirely possible, and it's justified in a situation like yours.

It's up to you if you'd rather decide to keep trying.  But at this point, you should be well aware of the fact that the words coming out of his mouth aren't truth.  And you therefore have no reason to believe anything he's saying with certainty anymore.  And if that's the point you're at, then how can you believe that you can move on in honesty and with his caring, loving consideration?  He's already shown you multiple times now that he's willing to tell you what you want to hear, and then do what he wants behind your back.  After that's been introduced into the relationship, you need to understand that words mean nothing anymore - even if they're exactly the words we want to hear.  If someone truly loves you, they don't treat you this way.  So saying he loves you doesn't mean anything when he's showing you that your feelings are immaterial unless they affect HIM.  He only wants to change if he thinks it will lose him you - not because he loves you, respects you, cherishes you.  Your happiness is only important if it gets him what HE wants.  And that's not how marriage works.  It's over already if that's where he's at.

All the best -

Kel
 

Last edited by Kel (December 18, 2017 11:26 am)

No Roo, it's not crazy.  However, a lot of us feel that way in the beginning and then come to realize later that we're STILL protecting them from their own reality by doing this for them, while not getting the help that WE need, as their victims.  The have taken from us for so long and so effectively that it's our norm now, and we're brainwashed into thinking that it's still them who deserves the support - never us.

I look at it this way.  If being gay is something that they feel SO entitled to, then they must feel it's necessary and not something they "chose".  And if that's the case, then they must not see being gay as "wrong".  So if it's not wrong, then why should there be any shame in it?  If they want to live authentically so badly, then let them - let them live that way and identify that way - to everyone.  Allowing them and their sexuality to take center stage but then promising to keep it under wraps doesn't even make sense, if you think about it.  If it's THAT important, then go ahead and have it.  And don't be ashamed of it.

When I look back at why my marriage failed, him being gay in denial was at the root of ALL of our issues.  So if one of our issues was our intimate life, it was rooted in his being gay.  If he didn't want to act like an adult, it seemed rooted in him wanting to be protected from facing adulthood - because that meant facing who he really was, and dealing with any fallout.  Gay again.  (maybe it's not accurate, but I think it is).  I tried SO hard to do whatever it took to be a good wife, a good friend, a supportive partner, all the while doing all the heavy lifting in parenting and monetarily supporting the family.  I.was.exhausted.  And I couldn't possibly have tried any harder than I did for any longer than I attempted to.  So no - I'm not going to take on the mantle of "I failed" at my marriage.  I'm not going to take the blame for the marriage not working.  It didn't work because he was gay and I was straight and he just didn't tell me.  He hid it from me when I asked what was wrong.  And I couldn't fix it because him being gay is completely out of my control.  So my marriage failed because he was gay.  Period.  I don't need to hide that - it has nothing to do with me, really.  The fault of our divorce rests on the fact that we should never have gotten married in the first place - because he's gay - but he didn't tell me that.  He lied to me so that I would marry him.  End.of.story.  I have no reason to hide that.  What a shitty thing to do to me!  I have no reason to protect him from the fallout of his actions.  His actions were directly against me and his own children - they harmed us because of the lies.  And I'm supposed to feel sorry for him and keep him safe?  F*ck that, Roo.  It happened to me.  And I can speak it out loud without feeling any regret for having been duped, or feeling ashamed on his behalf.  HE did this to me, and he can wear that mantle - because I sure as hell don't want to wear it.  It was never mine in the first place.  He asked me to carry it all along (I just didn't know he had).  I'm done with that.  He can carry his own stuff the rest of the way now.  I've got my own shit to carry and balance.  I don't need his, too.

You need to find someone in person that you can tell.  It alleviates a ton of pressure.  You need to be able to lay it down somewhere or you will just keep carrying it.

Kel
 

Roo, It's a miserable time in your life.  I remember it all too well.  I remember losing a ton of weight, not sleeping, having anxiety attacks, and wondering how I could possibly survive the pain. 

It will get better.. I promise.   I would encourage you to take things a day at a time.  Know that you are on a roller-coaster and some days will be worse that others.  Consider seeing a Dr and therapist for help.  I found help in medicine for sleep and anxiety.  

One thing that helped was being able to measure my improvement by comparing how I felt "today" vs "last week".  It's hard to see improvement vs. yesterday, but if you look back a week or more you can start to see improvement.  I was able to see that I was functioning a bit better, cried a little less often, and was getting a little more sleep..  By finding an improvement over a week and then a month's time I was able to find evidence of measurable improvement that was proof that I was making progress and healing.  That was enough for me to see that I was going to make it through and that I was going to get better.  

You will as well..  Just get through it.  Be kind to yourself and do the best you can.