This is very common!

Many of the women on this forum are married to men who are GID (Gay In Denial).  They hold a deep secret about their sexual urges, but are not willing to share that with the world.  Many won't even admit it to themselves.  They do their best to bury it and try to live a "normal" hetero life so that they won't have to face societal hate and disappoint their families.  The major decision they make to try to be straight is to take a wife.  The wife is the key to keeping this false life.   When the wives find out about their homosexuality, these GID men have to try to keep their wife and their marriage, so they "love bomb" the wife to get them to stay.  They try to convince them that they are "bi" and not gay.  They say it was a mistake or a phase or an experiment, but it wasn't real.  Many will just outright deny it and never ever actually admit it.  

Many of these men would keep their wife hostage in a false marriage for their entire lives if they could. 

 

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Last edited by Duped (August 28, 2019 2:15 pm)

It seems to me that 98% of them want to keep us - even if they admit that they're gay.  They had the opportunity to tell us and leave to live an authentic lifestyle, but that's not what they chose.  They want us for any number of reasons:
- They like the lifestyle that our combined union gives them - whether that be an additional income, or someone at home to help with the house/kids, or a partner to go antiquing with on the weekends.  We fit the lifestyle they've become accustomed to and would like to continue.
- We're a great disguise.  They "wear" us to the world to appear straight.  They fool themselves into thinking that if they're married, they aren't gay.  This goes along with the notion that only people who identify as gay are truly gay.  Meaning that if you construct your lifestyle to appear straight, and don't admit to being anything but being straight, then you ARE straight.
- It's too much work to deconstruct the marriage - the cost of the divorce and what they'll lose is too great for them.
- They will miss the family lifestyle that they have.  This can mean that despite living a sham of a marriage, they still want their children/family as a whole.  They enjoy doing things with them, they will be lonely without them, and they enjoy their joint friends and extended family gatherings as one unit.
- They will miss the children themselves.  If you don't get divorced, you don't have to give up daily access to the little people you love and want to see every day.
- They aren't ready to be outed - they may be living the gay lifestyle in some ways (notably sleeping with members of that group), but they don't want to be SEEN as a part of that group.  Maybe they fear rejection by their family and friends, or work.  Maybe their idea of what a typical gay person is disgusts them.  Maybe they can see themselves having sex with a member of the same sex, but not having a relationship with one of them.  Whatever it is, they don't like the idea of fitting into the group that they've decided they're not part of.

The bottom line for me is that it doesn't matter why THEY want to stay.  It matters if they can and will give you what you need out of the marriage.  YOU decide what that is.  Maybe it's as simple as not cheating on you - even if they aren't sleeping with you.  Maybe it's coming home to you every night no matter who they're with before that.  Maybe it's the whole kit & kaboodle - that you will accept nothing less than a monogamous partner who is in love with you (not just loves you), cherishes you (and treats you that way), and has desire and passion for you.  For me, it was the latter.  And I realized that no matter what he said about loving me or wanting me, he didn't desire me and make me feel that eminating from him.  He couldn't fake that, or talk his way out of it.  And I needed that.  Nothing he said could make that happen, and I decided that's what the base of the relationship should have been - a straight couple who wanted each other as more than roommates.

It's up to you.  But if you listen to their words, you will always be confused.  Focus instead on how you feel on a daily basis.  If it's unhappy and unsatisfied, and you've done all you could in the way of communicating that and fostering change, then you need to at some point to decide if that's the way you want to KEEP living.

Kel

Thank you Kel. 

I appreciate the input and advice. 

Kel...I have read and found your insights into this whole "sham" of whatever we choose to call the situations we are in all in very helpful.  Thank you so much for your kind words.  I guess after we have stepped out of the victim role and especially the difficult world of denial, it all boils down to what we will accept and want from our "relationships" with the gay in denial partners.  I am at that threshold trying to separate what I need and want and what I will accept.  I had a discussion with my partner a few days ago and let him know that no matter what he denies, I have enough physical proof that I need to believe he IS gay till the day I die.  I guess it was important to get that out there in spite of his continual denial of being gay.  It was almost cathartic to release that statement for me, I guess.  My situation is that we have had no sex bc of his impotence and unlike someone suggested, I am not his purse bc he definitely satisfies any financial gain I may need from this "relationship" and there are no children(never married him even though he proposed twice) and maybe that is the lucky part of my story.  He proposed last month(second time) stating he wanted to ensure I was set financially IF he s/die before me(we are both retired) but I didn't accept mostly bc of his "high risk" situation of GID and I own my own home, etc...  I may return to counseling alone to determine MY needs/wants but I guess for now, I'm living each day with some specific boundaries w/him bc he treats me well(except for the obvious dishonesty of who he really is) and it's difficult at this age to even grasp the thought of starting over w/someone who may have MORE baggage than he does.  I guess I've accepted I know what I have and am I willing to "settle" for this "arrangement"... Sorry for the rambling but sometimes putting the words out there puts things in perspective for me...