Josie,

How are you doing?  How can we help you?

You're in my thoughts -

Kel

Hi Josie,

Try not to overanalyze this right now - you are free to have friends of both sexes, and you are free to date.  I understand not wanting to LOOK like you're dating right now, as it can seem too soon - especially since people don't know the backstory of your marriage and how much grief and loneliness, confusion, anger and sadness you were experiencing at the tail end of your marriage.  They wouldn't know that you'd already mourned your husband and marriage before it actually ended.  So yes - I get where you want to keep that on the downlow right now.  But you ARE entitled to this - even if people knew and disagreed, you are entitled to it.  There is no "right" amount of mourning.  And the time period for you and the girls slogging through this day after day probably seems so long, whereas to outsiders, it just happened.  The timeline doesn't seem the same to both groups.

Now,.... let's talk about trust.  You don't have to be able to see your entire future with this person to decide that today, you're enjoying yourself and he makes you feel good.  If that's where you're at right now, then take it!  I totally get the "I don't understand why he's with me, and I'm scared he's going to leave" part of it.  I've felt like that my whole life - probably as a result of low self confidence stemming from being overweight.  But what if HE admitted to feeling that way about you?  You'd think that was ridiculous, right?  That he's scared that he's not good enough for you and that you'd break up with him over that?  Now, realize that that's likely how he feels - that he really likes you and enjoys you and has no intention of ending this over nothing.  Now,... for ONE minute..... can you just...... believe that's possible?  That maybe you look at yourself doubtfully because you always have?  And that what your husband did to you worked you over even more and made you doubt that you're enough for someone?  That maybe,..... just.... MAYBE.... you ARE enough?  Maybe you were okay all along, but your husband wasn't, so it couldn't work out right, and that wasn't your fault?  Maybe you're wonderful, but just weren't with the right person to appreciate that, and..... you believed him?  Maybe you're okay, hon.  Maybe you're broken at the moment, but not permanently, and you're going to be okay someday.  Maybe sooner than you thought.

Don't break up with him to spare yourself pain when breaking up with him will cause you pain.  That's like preemptively shooting yourself in the foot because you figure that someday, your foot will be mangled from something anyway, so why not get used to it early?  No one does that - that's ludicrous.  We never have assurance that our good things will last forever - not our bodies, not our homes, not our pets, not our jobs, not our relationships.  If you have something that you like, ENJOY it, hon.  Enjoy it while you have it.

Just take one day at a time.  If he's treating you well and bringing you some joy, then keep it up.  Maybe it'll only be temporary, but help to make you who you will become.  Maybe it'll be permanent and this is just the beginning.  There's really no way of telling.  But if what you're worried about is him duping you, then keep your eyes and ears open for the truth - not just the BAD truths, but the good ones, too.  A good person will seem transparent, not too-good-to-be-true.  A good person will seem genuine, caring, open and working toward your benefit.  A man who cares about you will want you to be happy - and will do things that can help you toward that goal.  He will go out of his way to do things for you that bring you comfort or alleviate your burden, if you let him.  LET HIM.  It's how he will show his true intentions.  And stop worrying about whether you're enough - if you're not, he'll let you know one way or the other.  Until then, enjoy the ride!

I spent lots a good portion of the first several months secretly wondering what the heck my now husband sees in me.  The way I saw it, I was fat, middle aged, had a bunch of kids (one of whom was a wreck), debt, furniture that needed replacing, and a kind of jacked-up life (thanks to my ex).  My white family didn't seem welcoming to a black man (which my dh is), I'm loud and obnoxious, and I most of the time look very unkempt (ponytail, no makeup).  On top of that, I wasn't divorced yet, and my mother-in-law lived with the kids and I.  HOW could a man want this?  WHAT was he seeing?  When was he going to wake up?  Was he going to break my heart?

Let me tell you what HE says he saw.  I have no reason to believe or not believe him - so I chose instead to believe him.  Because it's easier.  Lol.  HE saw a curvy, youthful-looking woman his age who was strong, resilient, worked steadily, took care of her kids and her sick mother-in-law, kept house, knew how to cook, and was beautiful without all the hair and makeup - and who was stellar with it all done up - which I do like to do fairly often.  He saw my family as a challenge.  He saw my loud and obnoxious as fun and sarcastic.  He saw my intelligence, my good heart even in extremely challenging situations, and me smiling through most of it.  He saw me as someone he would love to help in life.  And he saw me as great in bed (ha ha).

He saw himSELF as a twice-divorced fat black man with an iffy financial past and nothing much to offer a woman.  Iiiiiii saw him as a kind, caring, loving, protective, attractive tall man that was willing to show me daily how he felt about me - through words and action.  I saw him as tenacious and a big dreamer (but in the right way).  He saw his old car and above-the-garage apartment as being little.  I saw those things as proof that he didn't need much to make him happy, and that he kept what he had clean and took care of it.  He says he had a hard time believing that a woman like me was even available, much less interested in him.  I was still available because no one had compared to him enough for me to stop and spend my time on.

Stop doubting yourself.  That was your old life.  This life, you're going to believe in yourself.  Even if you don't feel it, FAKE it.  Fake it until you believe it.  And then one day, you will.  Trust me on this one.  I could make a career out of that skill.  It works.  Thank the Lord above for providing you with someone good right now - someone who makes you feel excited and special.  And act like you feel that way, too - stop acting like you're not sure if what you're seeing is real.  Just make sure to see the real, and trust your gut.  It's all you can do.  It's all any of us can EVER do.

Merry Christmas!

Kel
 

Yes, Rob, I feel the same way.  I thought the same thing that so many bad things had happened and I was losing a little faith and when this happened I thought maybe I'm being looked after more than I thought.....

Kel, you are right.  First I am definitely over analyzing.  I think it is partly lingering from all the time I spent trying to figure out what my husband what up to.  I've just been in that mode for so long that I almost don't know any other way to be.  

Also I definitely have a self-esteem issue.  I did a little before I married my husband.  Mostly around worrying what other people thought.  Then I married my husband who was controlling and made me feel like I never did anything right.  So now my self esteem is basically shot.  I was really feeling kind of low the other day and I went to a yoga class and someone there gave me a huge compliment on my figure (said I should model for Lu Lu Lemon) and then an hour later a checker at the grocery commented on how beautiful my hair was.  At 45 those are huge compliments.  It was funny in a way because it came at such a good time for me since I was feeling low that day.  It's again like what Rob said.  A little angel was taking care of me that day.  

And I love the part about faking it.  I do need to act like I have confidence because you are right, eventually I will start to believe it. 

Hi Josie,
It seem to me that you are making this about him, and it shout be about you and your children. It does not matter if he ever comes out or not. You are in an abusive, sexless relationship. The question you should be asking is, do I want to stay in this marriage? As parents we think that the best for our children is to be in a two parent home, but when that home is an abusive home, that is not the best for the kids. The best for them is to be with the parent that can keep them safe and free of violence. Please read about the effects of witnessing domestic violence on children, and look for help with your local domestic violence agency. Remember that domestic violence has many faces, not only physical violence. I would be very concern about your and your children safety if you talk to him about leaving, or about looking for help. Please, do not tell him anything, and look for help from a computer outside your home. And as someone told you before, make sure you make copies of all financial documents, personal documents, and all important documents (and keep them with a friend)  before even talking about any problem or separation. Take care.