Thanks everyone for sharing. I think I understand the issue now. The term "bisexual" often triggers straight spouses because it's just another term used to deny or downplay things like watching gay porn, surfing Craigslist ads, or even cheating. There is a SSN thread dedicated to this very issue: http://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?id=269.

​Disclaimer: I am 100% gay, meaning that I have zero attraction to women. When I came out to my (then) wife back in May 2012, I never claimed to be bisexual. Although I'm not bisexual and have never identified as bisexual, I do believe that bisexuality (or attraction to both sexes) exists. With that in mind, here is what I recommend for straight spouses with husbands who identify as bisexual.  

​I've read countless posts by straight wives with bisexual husbands. And I think we can divide these bi-husbands into two categories: 1. Men who are truly bisexual; 2. Gay-in-denial husbands who use the term "bisexual" to continue denial and deception.

​1. Men who are truly bisexual

Cameron wrote a series of excellent posts on this very subject: http://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?pid=3813#p3813​. I agree with what Cameron wrote. Most truly bisexual men share details of their same-sex attraction with potential partners before ​the relationship gets too serious. A good example would be when college-aged students start dating and he shares with a potential girlfriend that he has had relationships and sex with both men and women. Cameron wrote:

"Generally speaking, when a man comes out early in a relationship, he's showing that he's had enough relationship experience to know that his label matters.  It also likely means he's done some soul searching and meaningful experimentation with both genders.  His early declaration is his way of putting the success or failure of the relationship on the straight woman's shoulders.  He's not really responsible for how his attraction affects the relationship because he was "honest from the beginning." Although some men use the early declaration as a way to indicate they don't intend to be monogamous, a majority are more traditionally minded.  Speaking up clears their conscience and, in their eyes, gives them some freedom to talk about their attraction to men and/or watch gay or bisexual porn. It's not guaranteed of course, but most of the early declarers are just as honest and trustworthy as most straight men are.  This means that the success or failure of the relationship is no different than if he were straight."

​2. Gay-in-denial husbands who use the term "bisexual" to continue denial and deception

Here is the most common scenario I've read about: a wife catches her husband watching gay porn or exchanging messages with other men on Craigslist. He then claims to be "bi-curious" or perhaps "bisexual" to justify his behaviour. Again Cameron explained it much better than I could have done:

"Men who come out as bisexual after being in a relationship with a woman for many years are very different.  It's not an iron-clad, 100% certainty, but overwhelmingly, what prompts the confession isn't a sudden need for honesty, but rather an overwhelming desire to hook-up with men. The dynamics play out the same way every time - a man struggles with his sexuality for years, finally accepts his attraction to men, then wages an interior war about whether or how to tell his wife.  Eventually he decides to confess.  There are some difficult conversations, but the couple weathers the storm and, in fact, feel closer than ever.  The man is so happy and thankful for his understanding wife!!!  A few months pass and the man slowly realizes that confessing the truth wasn't nearly as satisfying as he thought it would be.  What he *really* wants is to act on his desires.  This would be, of course, contrary to what he told his wife when he came out.  Stressed out by that conundrum, he becomes noticeably more withdrawn, effectively putting an end to the post-coming out honeymoon phase.  Eventually, as his unhappiness builds, he tells his wife he "wants to experiment."

Getting back to the issue of mixed orientation marriages, or MOMs, I think I now understand the confusion, frustration, and anger that have played out in recent posts. I believe the issue is one of informed consent. Again there are two scenarios: Scenario 1. A woman knows about her husband's sexual preference (namely gay or bisexual) before choosing to be in a long-term Mixed Orientation Marriage (MOM); or Scenario 2. A wife who unwittingly finds herself in a MOM because her husband of many years lied about his true sexuality and only came clean about it after ​he's caught cheating, on Grindr, or posting messages on Craigslist. I think what Duped and Lily were trying to point out is that I forced my (then) wife into a MOM because I've known I was gay since age 5. But I didn't give her a choice because I lied to her about my sexuality by pretending to be straight for so many years. In scenario 2, the husband expresses a confusing mix of "love" for his wife, and yet a physical need to sleep with men.

​Do you agree? Let me know.

Last edited by Sean (December 14, 2017 3:34 am)

Hi Lilly,
To try and answer some of your questions...
I am by no means an expert on bisexuality but from what I have read and spoken to some bisexuals about there are varying degrees of bisexuality.  I think that’s what you mean about percentages.  If a husband is more towards the gay end of the spectrum then there’s less hope for the marriage but there are those that are on the “mostly straight” end of the spectrum.  Those would be more able to maintain a straight marriage.
As far as someone being able to have sex with a woman if you’re gay, of course it’s possible.  I think Cameron’s words about trusting your insticts on this is sound. 
I am in a unique position I feel because my husband has never avoided sex with me nor have I felt it was lacking  in intimacy.
Now as for monogamy, I feel that is an entirely separate issue.  Monogamy is a choice regardless of sexual orientation.

Last edited by majenco (December 14, 2017 12:08 pm)

Sean you use the term 'informed choice'. Floors me really.  How can you make an informed choice if you don't understand what exactly a bisexual is?

straight - attracted to opposite sex
gay - attracted to same sex
bisexual - attracted to both sexes, how exactly does that work?

So here's my story - one day I walked into my studio and thought to myself why is it I keep coming back to it why do I find myself asking him if he is gay every so often, why doesn't his no satisfy me, why doesn't it feel like he has answered my question.  I found my answer on this forum - just because he says he isn't gay doesn't mean he isn't gay, it means he is denying it.  I didn't find any porn, I have never gone looking.  The confirmation that he slept with at least one man before he even met me came after I was divorced.

At first i thought now I knew we could at least be friends again but it didn't work out like that.  His aggressiveness in denying being gay scared me.  I was advised by my counsellor to ask him if he was bisexual.  That worked.  For two weeks he tried to convince me that bisexual meant he was special, it meant he had a choice and it was none of my business anyway.

I maintained that whatever bisexual is it is not straight and that he should have told me. 

I watched him go all pink and girly talking about how the men found him so attractive when he was a student.  I saw his resentment, I got the feeling he blamed me for keeping the men away.  After two weeks of this conversation and me still saying it wasn't okay, he turned round and said he was 100% straight and if I thought different I was crazy.  I went about the business of getting divorced as fast as I could, I did not disturb his closet as much as possible.

There's an old fashioned phrase for sexual attraction - animal magnetism.  Now think about how magnets work!  

Can you tell me what you think is happening inside a bisexual?  Can you tell me what is happening inside a closeted gay man when he is having sex with his wife?

Majenco, thank you for your post.  Um, I don't think monogamy really is a choice, I think we are or we aren't.  I am, I am emotionally geared for monogamy.  like so many of us.  it hurts really badly when it is broken.  I think for a monogamous relationship to succeed long term there needs to be sexual fulfilment within it.

I totally agree  that for monogamy to work there has to be sexual attraction.  I just meant I think it’s a choice because I don’t view bisexuality as a valid reason for cheating.  There is no valid reason for cheating.  If you change your mind or you want to open the marriage you need to communicate that to your partner and then they get to have a choice the same as you. 
Some people are not geared toward monogamy, those people should not be married or should be in open marriages that all parties agree to.

I get what you’re saying about magnetic attraction.  I just think that bisexuality has varying shades of gray.  Very few are out.  The ones in happy monogomous heterosexual relationships or MOMs with straights are basically invisible or the ones in gay relationships are also invisible.  How would anyone know they are bisexual if they are monogamous with a wife or husband?  It’s called Bisexual invisibility.  I think there might be more monogomous bisexuals than you think.