Thanks for writing Lily. In reply:

1. So Sean you have stood tall in my eyes when you have said so consistently that mixed orientation marriages don't work.

​Correct. I don't believe that gay/straight MOMs can work. Mine certainly didn't.

​2. Were they working before discovery/disclosure? 

No. Most of the marriages I've read about here are the same as mine: little to no sex; abusive; and unhappy.    

​3. Why muddy the waters now?

I'm sorry if I've confused you. I think my opinion on MOMs has always been consistent: I don't believe a mixed orientation marriage between a straight spouse and a gay spouse can survive. Why? Because without sexual desire, I don't believe any marriage can last. We need only look to heterosexual couples who divorce because there is no longer any desire. Before separating, my (then) wife and I hadn't had sex in years. I spent decades longing for a same-sex relationship; watching gay porn; denying my wife the intimacy she deserved; bullying her (via narcissistic rage/control); and near the end, cheating. When she came anywhere near to questioning my sexuality, I'd fly into a rage. So my opinion is clear: gay/straight relationships like the one I had can't survive in the long-term. Mine certainly didn't.

​However, I don't know if MOMs can work between bisexual/straight spouses. This is where things can get 'muddy' to borrow your term. Perhaps a marriage can survive if there is a genuine attraction and intimacy between husband/wife...even after one of the spouses has admitted same sex attraction. I myself am 100% gay with ZERO attraction to women so I can't express an opinion about bi/straight MOMs and whether they can work. I'd prefer to let those identifying as bisexual (or their partners) to share their opinions here or perhaps on the MOMs thread.  

​Interesting exchanges friends. Thanks for posting!

Last edited by Sean (December 13, 2017 12:39 pm)

Thank you for the update Jamie. First and foremost, I hope that you got tested for STDs and that your results were negative. I also hope that your heath has improved as I seem to recall that you were suffering from anxiety/depression due to gay-in-denial relationship stress. Please provide an update if you can to let us know you're safe and healthy. (WARNING: If you're new to this forum and have recently found out your husband/partner is on Craigslist or gay hook up apps like Grindr, Hornet, or Scruff, looking for "discreet/casual encounters", PLEASE do two things immediately: first get tested for STDs; and second, always use condoms if you continue having sex together. ​There appears to be a pattern to gay-in-denial behaviour. It first starts with gay porn and then inevitably moves on to real-life sex with other men. Exchanging messages about sex via Craigslist or hook up phone applications isn't just curiosity, it's cheating. So err on the side of caution and please protect yourself.)   

Looking back at our initial exchanges in September (http://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?pid=9803#p9803), you questioned whether your husband was gay or bisexual. I also had the impression that you were willing to work things out and stay with this guy: despite the pot; emotional abuse; cross dressing; and a total lack of interest in sex with you. Following your last post, I have a few questions, namely:

​1. You wrote "move on" so does that mean you've made a decision to separate/divorce?
​2. If yes, what was the breaking point for you?
​3. How did he and his parents react when you outed him?

​Please only answer if you feel comfortable doing so. Lately we've been discussing mixed orientation marriages so your answers might help straight spouses thinking about opening up their relationships. I seem to recall that for a time you were ok with him watching men masturbate online, cross dressing, and knew about his attraction to mature men ("daddies" as they're called in the gay community). I hope to hear back from you.

Be well!   

Last edited by Sean (December 13, 2017 1:02 pm)

this is like that Shroedinger's cat thing!  Is the cat in the box alive or dead, it could be either since you can't see.  Either is not both.

It can't be both alive and dead.  that's specious logic in my book - it's one or the other.  You just don't happen to know which it is.

If we both bend down to pick up the same something from the floor at the same time we will knock our heads together.  reality is more than what you believe.

Your wife knew all along it was a mixed orientation marriage.  Was she wrong?  You didn't know.  She misled you into believing she was straight but all the denial in the world doesn't change her being a lesbian - it was always a MOM, she never was straight.  all that's changed is now you know you were in a MOM.

she's lesbian, you're straight.  Mixed orientations.  got married.  

From our perspective as heteros, it hurts so much to lose the beliefs you were duped into having because it is so faithless, it is to take on board such a betrayal of your trust and love.  But it is healing to know what is reality.
 

Last edited by lily (December 13, 2017 4:11 pm)

I absolutely think bisexuality is real and is on a varying spectrum thereby making it hard to define and understand.  That being said, many gays in denial use bisexuality as a stop over on the way to admitting they are gay and this is why bisexuals have been suspect.
As for a MOM between a bisexual and a straight person?  It depends.  I think if everyone is aware of what’s going on from the outset then it has as good a chance of any marriage to last.  Once you introduce deception into it the chance of it lasting is greatly diminished.
Just my two cents

majenco wrote:

I absolutely think bisexuality is real and is on a varying spectrum thereby making it hard to define and understand. That being said, many gays in denial use bisexuality as a stop over on the way to admitting they are gay and this is why bisexuals have been suspect.
As for a MOM between a bisexual and a straight person? It depends. I think if everyone is aware of what’s going on from the outset then it has as good a chance of any marriage to last. Once you introduce deception into it the chance of it lasting is greatly diminished.
Just my two cents

okay so you believe bisexuality means they are attracted to both sexes and can choose either? fair enough you're entitled but I do have questions - what about all that percentages thing.  How can they say they can choose either if they are not equally attracted to both sexes?

And that's if you believe a double sexuality is commonplace.  I think it stands to reason it must be uncommonly rare.

I think the percentages thing is real - how emotionally capable they are of having sex with a woman but I don't think the desire is there for women at all.

But who cares what bisexual is in a sense, other than for your children so they can understand themselves.  From the point of view of marriage, if you're straight you need another straight of the opposite sex, just just like a gay needs another gay of the same sex for a partner.  Can you imagine what it would be like to be a straight male married to a gay man?   It would be lonely, isolating.

Emotionally speaking it's no more workable than a straight woman married to a gay man.

Have you considered the possibility that your bisexual partner is duping you into believing he desires you?

Here's another question.  How often do you think bisexuals form opposite sex marriages with each other?

wishing you all the best.  

Last edited by lily (December 13, 2017 10:07 pm)