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- Lake Breeze
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Re: Processing our situations: patterns and pitfalls
Leah - Excellent post! So very "relatable". This stuff does seem like it never ends even years and years later. You just keep seeing and uncovering more and more of the lies and denials that went on for years, and keep seeing over and over how you remained blind to it all and even helped the whole charade no matter how inadvertently it might have been. You are so right that it is about caring for yourself as a person and not continuing to assist them with their self serving lies, behaviors, and attitudes. It is sooooooo hard to turn the focus to yourself primarily. It seems harsh and selfish, but that does seem to be what is required. I have yet to get very far with that, much less able to master it. Thanks for your comments and insight.
"Oh what a tangled web we weave, when first we practice to deceive!" - Sir Walter Scott
- Kel
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Re: Processing our situations: patterns and pitfalls
Leah,
It's interesting, but whenever someone has called me a princess, it's made me angry. The only men who've attempted to do so said that word as a label, not a name. And they were all men who wanted me to be submissive (which is hilarious, if you know me - I'm the furthest thing from a submissive woman that you'll ever meet). They craved having power over a woman - maybe they were like that in any relationship, I'm not sure. But I do know that they thought that getting a strong, independent woman to be submissive would the ultimate feather in their cap. The words, "Why can't you just be submissive sometimes?!?" came up often. I was always perplexed - if what you wanted was a subservient woman, WHY would you want to be with ME, for God's sake? Go find a woman to whom it's in their nature.
I don't think being submissive is a bad thing - as a matter of fact, I do it a lot. I just don't see it as the classic sense of the word. Sometimes I give my spouse what he wants because he seems to want whatever it is WAY more than I want what I want in that situation. Sometimes it's because it's one of his trigger areas (we all have them). But God forbid the man TELL me what I'm going to do. THAT ain't gonna happen. I do things for the same reason that a man would - because I think it's what's best / needed in the situation. I am not always the recipient of the benefit. Sometimes I am. Same as any man. Any unselfish person who loves someone and wants the best for them will do the same. Take where they need to, give where they can, make compromises. If both people do that in the marriage, and your personalities are a good match, it works most things out. The rest comes down to talking it out.
For what it's worth, my husband has never called me a princess. It's actually laughable that anyone would - I'm the daughter of a lumberjack, for God's sake! I know how to drive stick shift, I can wield a chainsaw or a stump grinder and I can hack the hell out of a piece of wood, build a fire, paint a house, caulk the bathroom. I have a photo of me calking the bathroom with one had while nursing a baby on the other side. Does that sound like a princess? Nope - that sounds like a freaking badass. You know what my husband calls me? NOT his princess. He calls me his Queen. You're a grown ass woman - you aren't anyone's princess - you're a freaking QUEEN, baby. And queens are respected and held in high esteem. They are regal, powerful and a force in their own right. Queens tolerate no disrespect. You need to be worthy of them - and they will make sure that if you aren't, you're OUT.
Stop communicating with this man. Distance is the only way to sanity - I swear it. The further you get away from their gaslighting, the more you will see it for what it was. And the less their tricks will work on you in the future. Next time he tells you about your "responsibilities", tell him it was HIS responsibility to be faithful and true to you. So he can take his responsibility and shove it far up his ass, where he apparently likes things anyway. Pun intended.
Kel
Last edited by Kel (December 11, 2017 4:59 pm)
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- lily
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Re: Processing our situations: patterns and pitfalls
Kel wrote:
Lily,
I don't think that being gay has anything to do with being a narcissist. However, I'm beginning to think that being gay and marrying a straight person without telling them about the reality of the situation almost always takes a narcissist. Because in order to do that, it means that they had to see themselves, their covering this thing up - and them getting what they want - as more important than the rights of their spouse. If taking someone else hostage in order to keep a secret isn't narcissistic, then I don't know what the hell is. They highjacked our lives in order to be seen the way they wanted to be. Narcissism, pure and simple.
Kel
Fascinating the way we argue ourselves round the bend over this. My father was a narcissist. My view has always been it's like a switch on or off, one brother is one brother isn't, either you are one or you aren't and you're born that way. Sean really challenged that view. He said being in the closet made him become narcissistic and that he considers himself in recovery from narcissism now.
So maybe it works something like this - being same sex attracted means you can fall in love with yourself in a way that we cannot. Being openly gay gives you room to be gay and functional. Being in the closet pushes you back into your own company exclusively .
Being a narcissist doesn't mean you are going to be gay of course, they come in all shapes and sizes.
But if someone has married someone of the opposite sex when they are same sex attracted then they have committed a selfish act. Prepared to marry but they haven't thought to care about their spouse's feelings over time.
Last edited by lily (December 11, 2017 6:49 pm)
- Lynne
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Re: Processing our situations: patterns and pitfalls
delete
Last edited by Lynne (February 3, 2019 2:24 pm)
- lily
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Re: Processing our situations: patterns and pitfalls
I am about to go out and it's a big topic but a bit of it in a nutshell - imagine how different it must be to be sexually attracted to the same sex as you are. I'm not saying being gay makes you in love with yourself, I'm saying being in the closet could do it - you've..I've got to go, sorry. my ex used say don't burst my bubble. He didn't want me to connect to him at all emotionally.