That's a good question Laurence. Everyone is different but there seems to be a few things that we hear often. One of them is being a co-dependent personality. A fixer always taking care of another instead of themselves. Overly trusting that our partners are as honest with us as we are with them. Maybe conflict-avoidance could be added to this list. Just letting little things go to keep the peace. This one can go hand-in-hand with trusting, 'I'll let that slide because I trust them'.

I am not suggesting that we need to be selfish and paranoid about everyone we meet but maybe a little skepticism wouldn't hurt? I'm not there yet but I hope the next relationship comes with a comfortable feeling of openness that nothing is hidden.

Majenco -  thanks for posting.  I can see some of those things in my previous relationships as well. Being better about self care etc and letting go of conflict avoidance are important.    I want to avoid the narcissists in the future!

This is so true. 

Taken me 5-6 weeks here to start to process it all and piece it all together.   All she wanted to do was please other people. The lies.   I was unknowingly duped by an 18 year old girl way back who I thought was a good wholesome take her home to your parents kind of girl.  All she wanted was a family, and so on.  She knew to some degree without a doubt and used me to get to this stage.   Now I will be a single 40 year old man with a high functioning autistic son, and an angel of a daughter.  The lies and deceit to get to this stage is unreal.  I am duped.  The sooner our other house sells the better so she can take her money and run.  I am at the f-off stage.  Looking out for myself and the kids big time now.  Instead of getting her a nice Christmas/birthday gift we are off to spend the money to get me a nice watch!   Fun!  Not sure why I haven't told my parents yet.   My story too.  Duped and hurt.  She is in my dreams still.  Great.  Says she just always wanted to please others.

Lily,

I don't think that being gay has anything to do with being a narcissist.  However, I'm beginning to think that being gay and marrying a straight person without telling them about the reality of the situation almost always takes a narcissist.  Because in order to do that, it means that they had to see themselves, their covering this thing up - and them getting what they want - as more important than the rights of their spouse.  If taking someone else hostage in order to keep a secret isn't narcissistic, then I don't know what the hell is.  They highjacked our lives in order to be seen the way they wanted to be.  Narcissism, pure and simple.

Kel

I love this thread, thanks OOHC! 

Kel  thanks for this:
“But the reality is that what they've revealed is that they aren't for YOU, or for the marriage.  They are for themselves.  And you can't support them at that point without making that dynamic even MORE lop-sided.  You cannot help someone in hurting you even more.  Not unless you don't care for your own well-being.  It is not noble to do this - it is downright dangerous and pointless.  The more help you give them, the further you assist them in pushing themselves away from you and toward their own desires.  Let them get the help they need elsewhere - or from within themselves.  They've beein doing that all along already.  They don't need your help at that point - YOU need your help.”

I have struggled in processing my pain as I kept really denying the reality of the above statement!  He was not in it for me.  And I kept supporting him thinking that surely this man can’t be THAT delusional to think that somehow this is MY responsibility or choice to have to deal with the revelations that truly shocked me...surely there will be some compassion for how hard this is to deal with and remain sane and calm and not lash out....BUT Nooo

And then there are the lies that you start to remember, all the scenarios from the past where I was played for the idiot...the endless gaslighting when I knew in my heart that there was something wrong.  And when things arose that were so obvious, I chose to believe this person’s denials.  I kept making the dynamic more lopsided. 

Now I need to help myself and finally I feel like I am getting there.  I’m finding that I have a huge reluctance to really help ME.  I am called a princess by him and my sons.  Because yea, it is okay, I really get my life to be all about me on my terms.  And that is not a princess or something untoward, like I felt in the past.  I am a person worthy of respect and sarcasm and biting comments are not really justified. 

I tried so hard to play the ‘good girl, wife, mother’ that somehow I lost sight of the fact that I was not bound by those definitions and roles.  I relied on those roles to give my life structure and I wanted to succeed in them.  And the divorce feels like such an epic failure.  I over-invested in my relationship to the point of ignoring my basic needs as a person.  Forgoing my career and opportunities to facilitate the family moves and my crazy GIDXs career change and to play those roles more ‘perfectly’ hoping for appreciation.  So not healthy.   

Last night I dreamt of my GIDX coming out with a gay partner to me.  And I woke with such a sense of relief, that I wasn’t letting go of a man who was a ‘good husband’ as he wants everyone to think he was.  How he wants me to think of him!   Somehow I get all hung up on this sort of crazy making riff.  Because everytime I have any contact he always goes back to the word ‘responsibility” which just makes me see red now as it is classic projection. 

He has always projected his ‘badness’ onto me.  Made me into a harridan that I wasn’t because it justified his feelings, so baiting me endlessly and behaving in ways that illicited a reaction in classic gaslighting style got me to feel I was crazy and depressed.  But depressed means being pushed down too.  And so yes of course we get depressed!! Our lives have been pressed down by someone standing on our head drowning us as they get to ‘express’ their sexuality using us as a stable base.  I don’t care what your sexuality is as long as you are willing to let your partner(s) know. 

My processing seems to be hampered by self doubt.  I struggle still not to doubt that I can manage my life on my own, especially financially.  I find myself still struggling with the losses.  Grief at the life that has been wasted and used to further his agenda.  All the depression, all the self-doubt that arose in the relationship and now I am finding that it was part of the situation, part of the gaslighting that kept me going back to examining myself in some hellish loop.  I blame my depression on the situation, but then the aftermath is depressing too and it does take huge courage to pull oneself out of this morass of lies and gunk that covered up so much joy I might have had if I had known 15-20 years ago.....arrggghhh when will the processing stop????