OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
If this does not apply to your topic, please find another forum.
* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
NOTE: Due to recurring spam abuse, you must register to post.
- Count of Monte Cristo
- Member
Offline
Re: Christmas is hard
Wife says I shouldn't feel duped! Well that is nice. No one should tell me how I feel. I honestly I am at the get out of here stage. Be great when she is gone. Going to be hard on the kids, but they are young. It just comes down to housing. We aren't talking right now, and I am deciding where to have Christmas, and it wont be with her!!!! It is her birthday too. Should I get a gift card for her? Anyways life will go on, it is just going to be a lot of paperwork and so on in 2018 when everything goes down. I don't want to be anywhere near her on my 40 in 2 months.
Sorry, I was duped. You don't say you would think of women to get off with me, and that you have a crush on a lesbian teacher way back so on and so on.
F-Off
I appreciate the comments and support for all. What a crazy event to go through.
- Kel
- Member
Offline
Re: Christmas is hard
The men are hurting just as badly. I do feel like they have their commonalities and so do the women going through this with their husbands, and they seem to be slightly different. Same amount of painful - just different ways that it's being processed. I think this stems from the differences in men and women - men feeling more instinct to protect their spouse, and women feeling more obligation to be supportive. But in the end, it's the same betrayal, and the same heartache. I see that very clearly here.
Kel
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- Kel
- Member
Offline
Re: Christmas is hard
Count -
I'm so sorry. Yeah, you are entitled to feel however you feel. You were duped. Now,.... that's not YOUR fault. It doesn't mean you're stupid or foolish - it means that she's cold and deceptive. And you, with your loving, trusting heart, weren't suspicious of that. It means you have a good heart. In the end, she tricked you - knowingly - and then wants you to act as if it's no big deal, and treat her the way you always have. Well, she doesn't get to decide that. She got to decide how she treated you, not how you respond to that. To hell with their guilt trips and whining over the bed they made. Lie in it.
No, don't get her a gift card. Why would you get anything for someone who stiffed you like that and pulled the rug out from under you, ya know? If you want to get her a card, fine - then try to find THE most generic Christmas card ever. Try the dollar store. It should say something akin to "Merry Christmas". The end. Lol. Here - I acknowledged you. I didn't forget you, or run out of time. This is intentional - it's not NO tip on the table, it's a penny. If she gives you gifts, you can just let them sit there unopened and then put them back on her side of the bed that night, with a note saying thanks, but these little platitudes mean nothing at this point. In the meantime, go spend the money that you would have spent on her on yourself. Buy yourself something nice you've been wanting. Then bring it home, put it in the garage, and don't go look at it again until Christmas Day, when you go out there and bring the thing in and open it after everyone is done with their gifts. You don't have to be obvious about it so that they kids ask who it's from. But let yourself enjoy it. That's what you've got to look forward to. I don't care if it's a new shirt or a tool chest for the garage, or a new golf club or tickets to an upcoming convention. You're going to look at it all bright-eyed and shiny on Christmas day, come hell or high water. Yes, you DO have something to look forward to, and only you know that. Outside of seeing the kids open their presents, it's going to be the bright spot in your day - you giving to yourself and being proud of that.
If that doesn't work for you, well,..... you just send me a wad of cash and your address and I'll pick something nice out for you and send it to you so it's a surprise for you to open on Christmas Day. Ha ha. (don't think I'm not serious.)
Kel
Last edited by Kel (December 8, 2017 11:24 am)
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- Rob
- Member
Offline
Re: Christmas is hard
Kel you kind. You were very supportive of me when I was hit with this. I think, in terms of hurt, I will always identify more with the woman here...I went through it all with you women.
Count, Christmas is hard. You could get a card stating how you feel....but that is a form of contact. You should be starting no contact now...that includes Christmas elsewhere. I could not do it the one year and we each got each other small gifts even though I knew she was cheating. I remained, for myself, kind to the end.
It terms of the house.. I say don't leave...you didn't do this.. where she lives now is not your problem. You just make sure you have a place yourself and the kids.
I do not know why they pick Christmas to put us through this. I'm ok this year I will see my family and I will see my kids at some point. I will not give my ex a second thought.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- phoenix
- Administrator
Offline
Re: Christmas is hard
The holidays are very hard. They revolve around family and relationships and when those things are broken they leave you empty. Last year my ex was still in the house even thought we'd already divorced. It was just going through the motions for the kids sake. This year will be my first "single" Christmas, but in most ways it will be much better than last year.
Here's a thread I suggest you read.. especially the 2nd post which is a copy/paste of a great article about making new traditions and dealing with holidays after divorce.
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- Kel
- Member
Offline
Re: Christmas is hard
I say talk to a lawyer. They will be able to tell you if it's okay to leave the family home without jeopardizing your future custody rights with the children. Here in Illinois, none of that matters. They would have to go to great lengths to prove "abandonment". And I'd think that if you visited a lawyer and got a separation agreement in place before leaving, then it couldn't be considered abandonment.
Personally, I think staying is SUPER stressful - especially before they've made up their mind what to do and you just feel like a badminton shuttlecock at their mercy. I don't recommend that to anyone. You can't really begin to move on until you are sitting safely in your own place and going no contact except for the kids (and even then only when necessary). Communicate everything through your lawyer in the beginning until you get a feel of how this person is going to behave.
I'm sorry you're in this position, Count. It sucks that they do this so often at the holidays. You would think they could wait so that the stress of that season passes and we're more settled into the long, dark winter. There really is no good time though. There are bad times, and there are worse. There are bad ways to find out your partner is gay, and there are worse. There is no good. If you didn't find out by obtaining an STD from them, you're luckier than some.
Kel
You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.
- Count of Monte Cristo
- Member
Offline
Re: Christmas is hard
Wow! Some serious advice. First off. I am sorry for stealing this post. Secondly. My parents have $165,000 into this new house. Not hers. She should be leaving. As for getting her something. I will not. It is her birthday on the 25 too. Oh well. New traditions will arise. The kids will be fine too. I have been duped and deceived for 18 years. I really like that idea. Spend $150-$200 on me instead and walk in with that after all is done. Sweet! Yup. Her bed is made. Oh. don't tell your parents until they are back on March 8. Don't tell your co-workers Honestly. f-off to her. I have lived a true and honest and ethical life. Simple. She has tricked me since I was 22!
- Count of Monte Cristo
- Member
Offline
Re: Christmas is hard
Not going to lie. Some great advice. I bought myself a nice watch yesterday instead of getting her anything! Fun! No luckily I found out by wondering what was going on, why she was hanging out with this young open lady all spring, and why she was like a cold sack of potatoes in bed for the last 6 months. No. No stds luckily. Lows odd off me being able to get one from her anyways! Funny! Life will go on, it will just take time now for everything to fall into place. Like I said we will be in contact of some kind because of the kids. Luckily we can just text. I don't want her living here. Luckily she can stay at her parents a bit. I just can't believe she thinks she wasn't living a lie. She has had these thoughts or urges since she was a teen.
If all works out I will have a beautiful log house in a beautiful spot in Canada where my kids can grow up at least part time close to nature and close to family and friends. I have some rainy day money from before we were married to help and my parents are well enough off if they are willing to help.
Everything happens for a reason. Off for a hike!!!!