Yes, being thankful for the good things I do have is an important thing to appreciate and bring with me into the new year.

Count, do you have family from your side nearby to stay with? If so and you can't bear to do the Christmas morning thing at the in-laws, why not have a second gift opening over there later in the day? I don't think it's unusual to have a time share arrangement - Christmas Eve/Day or Christmas Day/Boxing Day split. You are just as deserving of your kids presence in your life at that time of year. Now it just needs a bit of compromise and fairness from year to year.

Last edited by Daryl (December 5, 2017 11:11 am)

I remember fostering some new traditions that I felt like we could all have fun doing without feeling like we needed to be touchy-feeling doing them.  For instance, I started making sugar cookie dough and having the kids cut it all out with freshly-bought cookie cutters, and then bake them.  The next night, we'd all decorate them.  I'd put out all the cookies, a wire rack with newspapers underneath, and lots of sprinkles and icing in different colors.  They didn't even care that it was difficult to do because Mommy didn't know yet how to make piping vs. fill icing.  They just had fun.  And the cookies looked AWFUL.  And they loved it!  I'm sure Daddy participated, as did his mom, who lived with us then.  If you put on some Christmas music and get the fun flowing, then you can each interact with the kids separately without them ever even realizing it's being done.  My ex often walked away from such an event a few minutes after starting - likely because he a) wasn't into that anyway, and b) he didn't like to be a group when we were splitting.  And that was fine - he was still around for them to show their creations to.  The whole thing was new, so there really weren't expectations that weren't being met.  It worked.  We still do it to this day.  Guess I've got to get around to that this year!!!

It was difficult to figure out whether my ex and I should get each other presents - because we felt it would feel obvious to the kids that we didn't.  I established ground rules - no overly-personal gifts.  Nothing in the way of jewelry or clothing.  Nothing that went toward the household as a unit.  No Christmas towels or baking pans or cookbooks (we both cooked) - because we didn't want to have to split those up later.  He gave me a Kindle and an Amazon gift card - for book purchases.  That was lovely - it was nice, and it was personal in that he knew I loved to read.  But it wasn't something that we needed to split up after the divorce, or something that went toward the household itself that we were dismantling.  And it wasn't something like clothing that we would like to see the other person in.  I believe I gave him a gift card to his favorite clothing place - he could be away from me and shop and not worry about whether what he was buying was to my liking.  It worked out very well.  I also gave him a Target gift card, which he didn't use until he moved out - to buy things for his new place.  And I gave him a framed pic of the kids - so that he'd have one to take with him to start off his new place.  That wasn't SAID, of course - just the framed pic.  Which he did wind up taking with.  Anyway, they weren't the personalized gifts of lovers.  But it still felt okay - like we were celebrating.  It worked.

We always used to drive around and look at the lights during the holiday season.  The kids still wanted to do that - and we did.  But I didn't like that much - the mood of togetherness was required for "OOOh - turn that way!".  But I went anyway - and decided to just let the kids and their dad decide on where to go and what looked enticing.  What did I care, anyway?  I was fine with him driving and them navigating.  It worked.

I also remember taking the kids to downtown Chicago to look at the Marshall Field's Christmas windows.  I took them myself - we did that, then went to the bookstore nearby, then got hot cocoa and churros, then headed back.  I told them Dad needed to work.  He didn't.  But he went along with it.  And I believe we did the opposite, too - he took them somewhere and I said I needed to go help my mom get ready for the holidays (cleaning, cooking).  So that was a lesson in how Christmas enjoyment doesn't need to be with everyone all the time - it can be the way you make it and still be fun.

Something I always encourage newly separated parents to do is to ask the kids for a Winter bucked list.  Then you can start planning what to do with them on visiting weekends.  It can be anything from "play board games" to "Go sledding" or "movie night".  Then, have them help plan it!  Or..... surprise them when they arrive.  I think planning with them goes a long way toward building excitement to be with the visiting parent again, and doing something that ensures fun.  It can be quite exciting.  Some of the things my kids have put on their list over the years have been the aforementioned, along with "carolling" (we just went house to house - just the 4 of us), building a snowman (which requires more opportunity than planning - but I made sure to have the "snowman kit" handy (plastic carrot nose, buttons, arms, scarf, hat).  I also made sure that they had good winter ware at their dad's house - because if I let them, they'd walk out wearing flip-flops and a freaking spring jacket in the middle of winter, because "We're just going to be inside".  Well,.... make it so that doesn't HAVE to be the case.  So they got boots sent over, along with waterproof gloves, hats, scarves, etc.  They may or may not have ever used them - I highly doubt they saw much action.  Their dad is more of a "mall" type of guy.  But regardless - they were prepared if an opportunity popped up over there.  They also had swimsuits and beach towels over there - for summer swimming or winter getaways.  Those did get used, I know.  New duffel bags for their weekends away, along with some books to take and keep there.  It's saying that it's okay to be there, and here's some stuff for you to enjoy the trip.

Create new traditions.  Look for ideas and then make them happen.  Look into volunteering opportunities - it helps to see how good you've really got it, and it does the heart good to help others.

Kel

Some great advice.   The wife did the cookie decorating thing that I suggested as I went off to play hockey.  Going to be tough to stay at the in laws.  We will see.  What I see is that life goes on and we all find our paths.  I could be wrong but it seems the women on here are hurt a lot more than the guys.   Just mean that the men coming out seem to be cheating more when still married?  Anyways I guess I am happy to not be alone and amazed at the stories on here.  You have been through a lot!  I have my health, my pride, my dignity and 2 beautiful kids.  A great family nearby and some great friends.  She can ruin her life.  Mine is, and will be great. Lady at the pool said I looked 25.  Not 39 like I am!!!!!