I couldn't agree more, OoHc.  We are still committed to them when we find out the betrayal they've been visiting upon us, but instead of seeing it as betrayal, we try to flip it into something that we can process easier.  Our HEART knows the truth - that's why it hurts.  But our brains are foolish - they try to figure out a reason for the betrayal - we can't seem to accept what's happened unless we can get to the bottom of it.  For some of us, that answer we come to is that WE are the problem - that if we would only morph into something better - or more to their liking - that the issue would self-resolve.  And so we futily try that - sometimes for years.  We own their issue - even though they've never come to us with things we needed to change before they stepped out on us.  For others, we see the stem of the problem as being the difference between their sexuality and ours.  And this IS the crux of the problem.  But there are two ways to go once we come to this conclusion.  We can accept that we're up against something that we had no place in creating, and that we can therefore have no place in resolving.  That's a tough pill to swallow - because it means the loss of the relationship.  So we make up an alternate reality - that their sexuality is somehow like an illness or an event - something to be diagnosed, treated, and accommodated.  So we try to do that.  Sometimes by letting them have the freedom to discover more about their malady.  Sometimes by sacrificing the monogamy we need so that they'll be fulfilled  enough to want to stay with us.  We forego the reality that if they're getting fulfillment outside the relationship in order to stay with us, it's really not US that's making them happy at all - we don't have all of them, which is what we really want.

The fact is that your spouse likely has known alllll along - for years - likely before you even knew them - that they are gay.  I view "bi" as meaning that people are sexually excited by and open to relationships with both males and females.  So if your partner is claiming to be bi but wants more than just you, then no - in my opinion they are gay, not bi.  To me, that's like saying that I'm open to dating men of man different colors, but then after marrying a white man, telling him that I am bi-racial, and that means I need BOTH a white man AND a black man in my life or else I'm not fulfilled.  And no one does that.  That's ludicrous.  If you're open to both and fall in love and commit to one, then that means you're happy with your choice.  And that you don't leave them because it turns out that you like other colors too, and need them as well.  So no - they're not "bi" if they're saying they need the sex opposite of what you are.  They're saying that you are not fulfilling enough to them - because as it turns out, they aren't fulfilled enough by someone of your sex.  And there's NOTHING you can do about that.  NOTHING.  It's game over.  Don't bother trying to accommodate that - it's a recipe for your own future pain and unhappiness.  You're just prolonging the inevitable, and creating unnecessary pain in the meantime.

Since they've known for a LONG time (or maybe all along) that they truly preferred their same sex as a partner but chose you instead, that means that they had ulterior motives for doing so.  It means that they didn't WANT to be gay - despite having been exactly that.  They chose instead to hide their sexuality by marrying the opposite sex (you), or they chose to have a "normal" life by having the dream - the spouse, the house, the children.  So they lied to you in order to get what THEY wanted.  It was ALWAYS about them and what they wanted.  They knew they should have told you what was really up, but that would likely mean that you'd have opted out.  And so their own motives were more important than giving you honesty - so that you could live an authentic life.  They were NEVER on your side - only their own.

THAT is what we need to realize when we figure out the issue in our relationship is a sexual mis-match.  That they have always been on their own side, and they are even moreso now.  That they don't NEED us on their side - they're getting all the support they already need from themselves.  US being on their side leaves no one to support us and what's best for us.  And that's not healthy, productive or sane.

You don't immediately stop loving for and caring for someone when you find out that they've betrayed you.  The feelings are slow to die - even if we feel the quick stab of pain right in the beginning.  But the reality is that what they've revealed is that they aren't for YOU, or for the marriage.  They are for themselves.  And you can't support them at that point without making that dynamic even MORE lop-sided.  You cannot help someone in hurting you even more.  Not unless you don't care for your own well-being.  It is not noble to do this - it is downright dangerous and pointless.  The more help you give them, the further you assist them in pushing themselves away from you and toward their own desires.  Let them get the help they need elsewhere - or from within themselves.  They've beein doing that all along already.  They don't need your help at that point - YOU need your help.

Kel

Last edited by Kel (November 30, 2017 1:02 pm)

Nailed it OOHC!   So well said!  Thanks for sharing. 

Ooooh, I never even thought of that before, Lily - that of COURSE they love the same sex - they're narcissists!  Lol.  I have noticed how often a gay couple will very much look like each other - same color, both have beards, dark hair, same body style, etc. It's like they're in love with themselves!

Kel

"Processing our Situations"
   That says it all! Processing any situation for an intelligent decent person is just that. Thinking through something. Where we get stuck is when we try to make sense of how another human being can be so cruel and callous. How another human being who professes love for us can behave so horribly. How they LIED to us 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year by misrepresenting the core of who they really were. A really awesome therapist once told me "For ANY relationship to work, both parties must honestly say who they are AND their actions must reflect that."
    My narc ex entangled me into his closet and web of deceit so much I nearly lost my self. After discovery there was the typical honeymoon where he cried and begged me to stay. I wanted so much to believe him after 24 years together. But, I wasn't to question anything and so his campaigning began. It has been an actual all out campaign to shift absolutely all blame onto me for the demise of our marriage. And he tells his line of BS to anyone who will listen. My circle of trusted friends and family is small but without their love and support I may never have picked myself up and started making decisions for my future. Decisions that were extremely difficult at times, but nonetheless have put me on a path where the light at the end of the tunnel has never been brighter.
    BTW, my divorce was final 2 weeks ago. I have gone from a blubbering puddle of agonizing pain 2 years ago to feeling free to be myself again. To spend time with my kids and grandkids and sisters and friends. To help my son-in-law build myself a house this spring and to read a book all day in my jammies if I want. I still do not know how another human being can be so awful, but I do know one thing for sure. I am not responsible for another's actions and choices. I am responsible for myself and will act and choose according to my own morals, promises and how I want my loved ones to view me.

Congratulations Paula on getting away.