Welcome GW, 

Sorry you are struggling with this strange situation.  Clearly this is not what you signed up for when you go married.  It's hard to diagnose your wife, even for you and for her, so I won't try, but I will share some common themes our group has experienced. 

Mental instability and other health issues are common with our spouses.  Keeping a big secret that a person understands can lead to stress, depression and even multiple personality dissorders.  When you don't even understand what is wrong (like perhaps your wife is experiencing) could certainly lead to mental and even physical illness.  

Many of our spouses married us because they wanted to be "normal".  They don't want to be different and looked down upon by society.  While this might seem reasonable to them, it's very unfair to us and we have all suffered greatly from this.  Some of our spouses knew exactly what they were doing and used us entirely to keep their secret. Others legitimately tried to be "normal", but after a period of time realized they couldn't do it.  

Your statement about always loving the woman you married is a very true statement and one that most of us agree with.  Sadly, the woman I married was a fraud.  I still love that imaginary woman...  but I sure don't love the real person she is today.  

Based on what you've written, I think you are handling this perfectly.   You are still loving and supportive of her because you care about her.  You  are willing to support her through the process of identifying what exactly she needs to be.  But, most importantly, it sounds like you have already set boundaries and limits for what you will endure.   I completely agree with your reservations about having children.  I think if it were me, I would want her to complete her process of identifying herself before talking about having kids.  

GW,
   Here's my take on your situation, based on the past two and a half years I've spent giving myself the equivalent of a graduate course on things trans, both trans affirming and gender critical.  (I'm a college professor, so that's how I approach things.)  What I've learned is that the truly transgendered (especially women deciding they're trans men) are very rare; according to women who transition (to men) and then desist, it's more likely a woman who has transitioned is either lesbian (in a culture in which it is more acceptable to be a heterosexual "man" than a lesbian woman) or has decided she hates the cultural messages of femininity and wants to opt out of what she sees as a distasteful vision of woman.
   There's a great deal of attention on 4thWaveNow, a website for the parents of children questioning the transgender narrative, to the effect of the internet on teenagers who decide they're transgender.  I would suggest you visit that site, and read around, because what you say about your wife fits with the narratives I saw there of adolescents who decide they're trans after time spent on the internet on sites that push the trans narrative:  https://4thwavenow.com/    There are also accounts by girls who were drawn to "transition" and then backed away from that stance.
  It's entirely possible that your wife has arrived at her self-diagnosis of being transgendered after being coached and encouraged by transactivists on the internet.  It's also possible, of course, that your wife's longstanding mental health issues are in fact the result of unrecognized gender dysphoria.  
  I would second Abby's advice that your wife visit a mental health provider to discuss her history of self-diagnosis.  I would recommend you NOT go to a "gender specialist," as they are likely to "affirm" rather than question or analyze.  

er, yes it is naive to hope it will all pass but we all do it, it's just normal - takes time to catch up to ourselves sometimes.  Particularly when you've been handed such a massive slice of doublespeak to absorb.  The woman you married is not the woman you married.  No scratch that - not the woman you thought you were marrying.

most definitely it's real it's happening and has a profound impact.  

Those specialists are likely to be part of the transgender machine.  There is plenty of money to be made out of it - from the counselling to the hormones to the surgery and all the extras.  You need to look after yourself.

It is good you're disconnecting.  It will bring you peace and easing of the hurt.

Right now you're feeling depressed from the feel of your post.  again, that's normal, it is nature's way of bandaging the ache in your heart.  It won't last but you're going to be on a rollercoaster for a while.  The best thing you can do for yourself apart from have a good cry is to get what's happening out into the open.  I get that you don't want to tell her secret but you need to do it some time.  I remember the first person I told - it was so hard to 'tell on him' but it was a strong move - it made me feel better, it put the ground under my feet to have it out in the open at least with somebody.

So basically you can pat yourself on the back for posting here.  It's a great first step and we can promise you, life does get better again.

wishing you all the best, Lily

Last edited by lily (November 30, 2017 3:29 pm)