Phoenix
If only you knew....

majenco wrote:

I love the poem. I hope to readjust to the “happy” you speak of.

You will be even happier.. because you've experienced the pain you will realize how happy you are. 

Love the poem, Phoenix.

I believe happiness is a choice that you need to make in every situation that you encounter.  For example, when I hear a song that me and my ex used to listen to when still dating.  I can dwell in the sorrow it brings or I can call a friend that will uplift my spirit with chat and laughter.  When I am alone at home with no one to talk to I pick up one of my favourite books and read and I will in no time be in my happy place.  But, yes, to be truly, blissfully happy is a dream that needs to be worked on every day. And the terms for that has changed.  That happiness needs to be centred within me & the person I will become now and not around a husband and sadly, but realistic enough,  children.

I'm not sure there's a good way to measure happiness, either.  I hear stories all the time about impoverished people on the other side of the world who seem much happier than we ever are on a daily basis.  These are people without basic necessities and freedoms.  If they have food in their bellies and clothing to wear, they're happy.  They seem to need so little.  By contrast, we have everything they could ever hope for and more - an endless supply of clean drinking water, warm (or cool) homes, numerous outfits, access to wonderful healthcare, education, freedom of religion, freedom to vote our representatives in, freedom from persecution.  Things to make our lives easier, safe neighborhoods, good education, transportation, safety from abuse.  So much food that our issue is being fat, not starving to death.  And we're not happy.  I'm sure they can't even imagine our lives, and vice versa.

I'm convinced we'll never find "enough" happiness to think that we've arrived.  There will always be new goals, opportunities, hopes, dreams, etc.  We are always trying to better ourselves and our situation.  Even when we consider ourselves happy.  However, I think it's pretty straightforward to know when you're not happy in a given area.  The trick is trying to figure out if you SHOULD be happy anyway.  If you're not happy because your reliable vehicle isn't considered high enough status for you, then maybe you need to re-evaluate why you need that status in the first place.  But if you're not happy in your marriage and you're trying to convince yourself that you should be, then there's a problem.  Everything doesn't need to be perfect for us to be happy - I think we know that.  But there are always things in any area that are deal breakers.  If, for instance, you love your home but it's in an unsafe neighborhood, then you won't be happy.  It doesn't matter how much you love home ownership in general, or even that specific house.  Your basic need of safety isn't being met, so you cannot be happy with your living situation.  You can try to slap a band-aid on it; maybe invest in a good security system, get a big guard dog, even put a big fence around the place.  But if you are still feeling like your children aren't safe walking to and from school, then none of those things will help.  You can drive them - sure.  But they're still in an unsafe neighborhood, and you're still not happy.  Until you sell that home and find another one in a better neighborhood, you won't be.  It's a deal-breaker.  Marriage is just like that.  You can have someone who has a job, doesn't abuse you, is a decent parent to the kids, and is even considered a decent spouse by most measures of the word.  But if you don't feel loved, respected, valued, cherished and supported, it doesn't matter what the size of the ring on your hand is, or how adorable they look.  It's.a.deal.breaker.

I struggled with wondering why what I had in my ex wasn't enough.  I tried so hard to convince myself for a freaking decade that it should be enough.  That anyone would love my life - he was an attractive man, he was nice, he knew how to cook and clean, and he helped out around the house without needing to be asked.  He was a decent dad, he was a hard worker.  He didn't drink, do drugs, swear at me, hit me or the kids, stay out late, or cheat.  I didn't get enough sex.  So what, ya know?  I felt like if I could just solve the few issues in our marriage (like wave a magic wand over them and make them magically disappear), then I would be happy.  But I could never get that to happy - no matter how well known I made it to him what these issues were, how detrimental they were to my happiness, or what not satisfying them would lead to (divorce).  So I kept talking louder and louder about it.  More and more often.  Because he MUST not be hearing me.  He MUST not get it.  Oh, he got it.  He just couldn't - or wouldn't - change.  And once I realized that, there was no hope any longer.  That's when I threw in the towel.

And you know what?  I found love again, and now I realize that fixing our issues was never going to be enough.  I was asking for more frequent sex.  That would never have done it - because the sex I was getting wasn't satisfying.  Because there was no passion.  And I didn't know how to tell him how to fix that.  I figured if we could just get some more frequency, that'd be a start.  But we never got off the ground.  But I did realize that I could have had sex every day from that man, and I STILL wouldn't have been happy.  He could have kept a job with regularity and it may have solved some of the money-related stress.  But it wasn't going to make me happy.  He could have grown up and acted like a second responsible adult in our home.  And I STILL wouldn't have been happy.  WHY?  Why wasn't all that enough for me????  Was I so greedy that even solving every problem wouldn't have been enough?  No, it wasn't greed.  It was an innate sense of unhappiness at the root of the marriage.  And it stemmed from not feeling cherished and desired.  And no amount of sex or lack of money problems was going to fix that.

I now realize that the relationship was flawed so deeply - on such a basic level - that there was no fixing it.  There was never going to be happy.  Maybe happy enough, but not really happy.  It wouldn't have mattered if I was happy compared to before the issues had been fixed.  It wasn't going to be enough.  And I couldn't understand why.  Now I know - because it's like having a home with a broken foundation.  I kept trying to fix the crooked windows and the doors that wouldn't swing.  The sloping floors and the leaky roof.  And it would never, ever matter.  Because the very foundation wasn't right.  It was just going to continue on until I fixed that foundation.  And in my case, him being gay made that impossible.  Now I know that when the foundation is right, it feels COMPLETELY different to live in that house.

I'm sure there are days now that aren't as happy as my happiest ones with my ex.  Not many, but I'm sure they're there.  And I don't feel unhappy overall in my marriage on those days.  They're just bad days.  They aren't the status quo.  The right components are covered, and nothing that ever happens on a bad day ever makes me feel unloved, uncherished, disrespected, or unsupported.  So I'm good.  It'll all be good.

Happiness seems relative.  But it isn't - it's having the basic needs met, and the rest is all gravy.  No amount of gravy is ever going to fill you up.  You won't ever be happy with a plate of gravy with no meat or potatoes on the dang plate.  You will never be happy in a marriage where you aren't being loved, cherished, desired and supported.  Period.  If you've tried to get those things, and done everything in your power to make that happen, and it's still getting you nowhere, it can't be fixed.  And it's not your fault.  It just is what it is.

Kel