Majenco

I'd never agree to non-monogamy. And he has promised me monogamy. 
This is where things stand at the moment. We're on a path, to where I'm 
not sure, and I hate not knowing.....but I've accepted that these are untested 
waters. One day at a time    


 

Yes it matters.  If he is straight there's a possibility of fixing the marriage.  If he is into men then that isn't going to be fixable whether he stops cheating or not.

Let's pretend for one moment that none of this had anything to do with being gay. It's just a husband, having been caught cheating on his wife. Let's say multiple times, since that makes this example easier.

1.  You caught him cheating.  (he didn't tell you - you caught him).  Is there any possibility of you ever forgiving him and getting back to a place of trust?  If yes, continue to next question.  If no, then game over.
2.  Is he owning what he did and how it affects you and your marriage?  If not, do not pass go.
3.  Is he truly remorseful and making attempts to be as open and honest as possible about what got him into this mess, and what needs to be done to create an honest relationship moving forward?
4. Is he willing to do the work necessary to cut the cancer out of your relationship?  This means stopping all contact with others he's cheating with - new or old.  No more "innocent" chatting or curiosity - because he's seen where that leads.
5.  Is he willing to do the self-reflection necessary to better understand the dynamics behind his inadequacies?  Is he willing to do the work necessary in counseling to get back to a place of honesty and trust?

NOW....... IF ALL 5 of the above are true, THEN.....

6.  Will you both have your needs met by each other (and ONLY each other) if you're both at your reasonable bests?  If not....., THEN......

7.  WHY?  Do massive changes need to be made on behalf of the needs of the other person?  Can said changes even be made?

THIS is how far down in the process the gay thing comes in.  If an individual cannot be satisfied by their partner because their partner is the wrong sex, then..... game over.  But there are other reasons why this answer could be no that have nothing to do with being gay.  Say for instance that one partner just doesn't find their spouse attractive anymore - not because they're gay, but just because they are not excited by their partner, then it's really the same issue.  Especially if their partner cannot change what the lack of attraction stems from.  Say the husband is only attracted to younger women, and despite being the proper weight and taking care of herself, then you're still at a stalemate.  It would make him an unreasonable, shallow dick, BUT..... the issue still exists, nonetheless.  Say she is grossed out by his sexual proclivities and cannot ever see herself being intimate with him again.  Maybe you don't satisfy each other's sexual needs because your ideas of what's sexy or feels good doesn't align.  Maybe despite lots of attempts, your partner doesn't possess the bedroom skills necessary to make your eyes roll back in your head.  It doesn't really matter the reason - if it cannot be changed or your partner is unwilling to change it, then you're at a place where you are not going to be satisfied by your partner.  Period.

Now,.... if you're both okay with that, that's one thing.  Maybe you're at a place where all you want is companionship and stability.  But then I'd argue that the cheating wouldn't have been an issue in the first place.  But it's possible that you're both okay with no sex, or with living with an unsatisfactory love life.  Then you can still make it work.  Or you could go an alternate route and decide that you want to continue on in a relationship with each other, but satisfy your sexual needs outside the relationship.  That is another whole ball of wax - and one that I think most people think has cleaner edges than it really does.  If you let your partner have sex with others outside the relationship, how will you feel when they spend too much time away from you and your family?  Will they be spending the family's money to make these trysts work?  Will you feel abandoned even though the sex part isn't really that big of a deal to you?  Can you establish (and honor) boundaries that you can both agree upon?  What happens if one of you accidentally falls in love with someone else?  There is a whole minefield here that we often don't consider until we're already in a bad place - after we've agreed that an open relationship is okay.  There can be lots of resentment, anger, sadness and loneliness where you didn't anticipate any.

The bottom line is that when you figure out that the other person can in no way ever satisfy your intimate needs enough for you to stay, it doesn't matter if the reason is because they're gay or they're fat or they're missing too many teeth.  THIS, I feel, is where most people go to instinctively - they go all the way to the end step and try to figure out if their partner is gay - because if so, then the rest of it doesn't even matter.  And I don't disagree, in theory.  But in reality, if you're not seeing the steps prior to that last step, then the last step doesn't matter anyway.  You can decide in a straight relationship that it could be satisfying for you both, but if you don't see ownership of their actions, and the strong attempt at removing the temptations and re-building the trust and honesty, then it doesn't matter if they're straight.  If you're not seeing them own what they did and be honest about their actions and make huge strides toward actively healing the relationship, then it doesn't matter if it COULD work - they're showing you they're not willing to do what it takes.  They're giving lip service to what they're promising you - because they can't come right out and say that they have no intention of making those changes.  But the proof is in the pudding - in their patterns.  One good day of behaving or one solid week of lovemaking isn't proof of long-term anything.

In my opinion, if a man is cheating, gets caught, and then acts like none of it is a problem because it doesn't MEAN anything, then you're not with a partner with whom you can make it work anyway - even if they were 1000% straight.  You need all the pieces to make it work.  If they actively resist any of the necessary steps, they aren't all in.  And you can't make it work with a partner who's not all in, no matter if your sexualities match or not.

Kel

 

Last edited by Kel (November 27, 2017 10:40 am)

That sounds awful.  I’m sorry you had to endure that.  Kel is right, once there is lying and cheating nobody is ever going to be satisfied and happy.  I hope you find your happiness and the peace you deserve.

I don’t know about “ew” for everybody but most certainly for some.  The lying thiough, that is the common theme that  essentially brings us all here.  It is very difficult to untangle this type of mindfuck.