phoenix wrote:

We've had some recent posts wondering if our group is supportive of BOTH those who wish to leave their marriage and those who wish to stay in their marriage. 

Newbie here, hello all. I hope it is supportive as I wish to stay in my marriage. I'm 43, married 9 years to the love of my life, who 'came out' around June this year to tell me that whilst he does not want to be a female, that sexually and in the intimate world, he feels 100% female and has done all his life. 

I cannot say it was a huge shock, but it was a shock. The initial days and weeks afterwards brought us very close, it was like nothing I'd experienced before - the intimacy, the love, the honesty, it put our marriage in a place I only could have dreamed about before. But now, I'm feeling a little tiny bit lost and unsure and am a little scared to ask questions. I keep reminding myself - baby steps. We had some grown up time yesterday where were chatted and he asked for a hug (he NEVER asks for this kind of daytime intimacy/hugs which suggested to me that he'd been struggling a little with the whole 'thing' too). We've rowed terribly since this little 'post coming out honeymoon period', but not about this.

I don't want to leave my husband. I love him dearly, but I am having to make adjustments that I feel I'm struggling just a little with and I'm also a bit confused too. I've suddenly become aware of what pronouns I use and try to be sensitive in that respect. Other adjustments I feel I'm having to make aren't anything that is  'ruining my life' by any means, just adjustments that I am actually willing to make but but going through a transitional process with, that are leaving me feeling a little emotional, confused and quite alone. For example, the sudden expectation that I will now have to accept my husband 100% as the person he truly identifies with during intimacy.

My husband (also 43) has admitted to wearing ladies panties and he occasionally wear them during intercourse with me (doesn't bother me at all - if it helps him feel him and sexually turns him on, fine by me). He has also admitted to wanting to try on dresses and have make up done sometime, just him and I.

Penetrative intercourse has become much less - it's all about another kind of experience now which I am adjusting too but that is also taking me on a bit of an emotional up/down ride. He has promised me that penetration will still happen because he respects my needs, but it is not the 'norm' for us anymore. I feel like I'm mourning that?  I could go on but as this is my introductory post I'm not sure yet of the tone, vibe and balance of this group - all I know is I'm here to seek support because I wish to support my husband who I love and who I want to be happy. We have two daughters (6, 11) who know nothing. A friend knows (he was happy for me to share - and I only shared because she has a 9 year old son who is identifying as female and reached out to me as a friend- my husband was very happy for me to share our experience with her and it helped enormously). 

I am looking for a community of wives who are in a similar position as me so that I can learn, support and feel encouragement as I navigate this new path in life. 

I adore my husband/life partner! I will never leave him and will always support him and encourage him to be whoever he wishes to be. But, coming out fully, publicly is something I cannot think about (I know I've just contradicted myself). He says he doesn't want to do this and I realise how horribly selfish it sounds of me to say that - he says all he wants to do is make some small adjustments to reflect who he really is and be allowed to be his true soul during intimacy. 

I do feel I'm in a tiny minority here, so would love to hear from others. Please tell me I'm not alone?

Thank you everyone.

One very important thing you said there "he respects my needs".
That is where many of us get (or got) shortchanged and why I always try to mention that it is important that you are happy and fulfilled. I wish you the best of luck but it's really more about mutual effort.

Countrydweller,
  I could have written your post two years ago.  From the shock of the initial disclosure, the honeymoon period of intense sex and bonding, my husband's desire to be "treated as a woman" in bed but otherwise make no public changes in his life, to the beginning of my own discomfort as during sex I understood the degree to which the sexual dynamic had changed and what I had lost in my partner, and as outside the bedroom my husband began to push the boundaries he himself had originally said he wanted to draw (expressing himself only in our intimate life).  And as long as I was compliant and played along (aka "supported him"), all was fine.
   If your husband is anything like true to form--because this behavior has a pattern--having expressed his desire to try on dresses and get his makeup done (with you), you can expect that he will do these things; he will expect you to participate (because your participation serves as a validation of his "female" self).  Doing these things will no doubt lead to his wanting to do other things.  You can also expect him to become increasingly self-centered, self-absorbed, and to lash out resentfully if you express the doubts you are so careful to minimize in your post. Yet if you think about it, the only accommodating that's being done is by you: he continues to live publicly as a man and to enjoy his status as a man, but he comes home to also do as he wants--and casts that as a concession!--while you are the one who is asked to bear the burden of his desire.  He is bearing nothing, although he feels put upon by your wish--your heterosexual wish--to have penetrative sex. 
    You have already started trimming your needs and yourself to fit the new pattern he has cut out for your life and your self.  You are acting from a reactive stance, with your husband doing the "expecting" and you doing the "accommodating," you being the only one to have to make adjustments.  And although he says he "respects your needs" the reality is that your sex life has changed, and he is remaking your entire life and expecting you to accommodate whatever change he needs. You don't feel confident expressing your doubts and discomforts, even here.  Look at your language, and at all the ways you are minimizing yourself and your feelings:  
  I'm feeling a little tiny bit lost and unsure and am a little scared to ask questions. 
  I am having to make adjustments that I feel I'm struggling just a little with and I'm also a bit confused too. 
  I try to be sensitive
  adjustments I feel I'm having to make aren't anything that is  'ruining my life' by any means, just adjustments that I am actually willing to make but but going through a transitional process with, that are leaving me feeling a little emotional, confused and quite alone. 
  Penetrative intercourse has become much less - it's all about another kind of experience now which I am adjusting to but that is also taking me on a bit of an emotional up/down ride.
 I'm here to seek support because I wish to support my husband 
 But, coming out fully, publicly is something I cannot think about (I know I've just contradicted myself). He says he doesn't want to do this and I realise how horribly selfish it sounds of me to say that

It is not "horribly selfish" not to want to live as the wife of an out transwoman, or even a covert crossdresser, nor to subject your children to such a life.  Indeed, it is perfectly reasonable.  I would encourage you to see this forum as a place where you can express your own needs and doubts and discomforts; there are other forums out there where you can be tutored in how to adapt to your husband's needs--in fact almost all other forums for wives of autogynephiles (that's what your husband is: "a man who loves himself as a woman") operate from the precept that it's your duty to adjust yourself.  I would also encourage you to read the work of the psychologists Michael Bailey ("The Man Who Would be Queen"), Ray Blanchard, transwoman psychologist Anne Lawrence, and  the blog of Miranda Yardley, a transsexual who has written a short history of autogynephilia making use of Bailey's typology (available here: http://mirandayardley.com/en/a-history-of-autogynephilia/).  

 It's perfectly ok to have doubts and discomforts; in fact it's inevitable.  Your husband has revealed to you he has a sexuality at variance with yours.  This is particularly difficult for those of us who are the wives of autogynephiles to see and understand, because our husbands look like their same male selves, and they wish to continue having sex with us, even as they begin acting out their fantasy of woman.  If your husband had announced he was gay, and wanted to have sex with men, you would have an easier time seeing that your sexualities are at odds with one another, and would have fewer doubts pulling at you about your own role and obligation to your marriage.  But essentially this is what has happened.  It's important for us to know and to feel that we have an equal right to the life that feels authentic and comfortable to us.  

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (November 24, 2017 7:06 am)

My husband not only wanted to start in women's lingerie, he then wanted to change to another "outfit" halfway through!  And he never in 35 years of marriage ever wanted me to wear sexy lingerie.  He never gave me any, expressed a desire to see me in lingerie, and, the one time I bought a lovely satin camisole, was completely uninterested in me in it.  But him?  After the trans reveal he had to dress up during sex, and in the most stereotypical way (stockings and a garter belt? Check!). In fact, after one of the few times he agreed to his new idea of "sex" (no penetration on his part of me, but wanting me to penetrate him) without dressing up, but still declaring to me "I want you to fxxk me (as if he were a sexually hungry submissive woman), he asked me, "Was that heterosexual enough for you?"  Say WHAT?

Last edited by OutofHisCloset (November 28, 2017 5:46 pm)

Hi everyone, it’s me, OCJamie.

Riding the rollercoaster and finally realized I’m done with the marriage. I don’t even care about all the gay, bi, cross dresser stuff anymore. My problem is the guy always does exactly the opposite of what he says he’s going to do. Even after long talks and agreements about stuff, work, etc, he will do exactly what he wants to do and then thinks I’m overreacting. Idk if this is because of TGT, doesn’t matter. I feel like it has everything to do with commitment and character, has he doesn’t have any. Maybe it’s the fallout from being closeted, I just don’t care anymore, don’t want to continue living like this. We are living together for the next 8 months to pay off my surgery loan and some of his bills, after that I can afford the place on my own. Done thinking he’s going to change and understand and put me up there with him.

All I ever do is think of him and it’s hard to stop. I see things at the store when I’m shopping, wonder if I should add some cherries to the cheesecake I’m making because he mentioned he would like cherries on top, screw him. See some other food item he might like, have to stop myself and say he will buy it if he wants it. See a cool shirt on the internet he would love, want to buy it for him, have to say no and buy something for myself instead. I know he rarely thinks of me as he goes through life. It’s a retraining process to put myself first and stop thinking about doing nice things for him. The last 5 years I have done so many nice things for him and twisted myself into a pretzel, then I have expectations that he might do the same for me, never happens, can’t even keep his word if we had a contract written in blood, lol. So I’m done.