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November 21, 2017 1:58 pm  #1

After 30 years of marriage

I never thought that is would ever happen to me!
I met my husband when he was playing guitar for a band and we were both 18. We got along great, I could speak to him about anything and he could to me so I thought. Our relationship was good and we got married when we were 21 and then years later I started to get disinterested in sex as memories were coming back that I was raped my Grandfather when I was about 10. For some reason when my husband would start kissing me or things would start getting heavy I would just start to get grossed out and then I would push my husband off. My husband was understanding and I tried to get help, going to sex therapists, psychologists and I still could not get over this. Years later I just started pushing my husband away and I felt angry and felt like I just hated him. We still remained together as we had 2 kids.
Jump ahead now to 2 years ago and 30 years into our marriage I started noticing my husband being very private with his iPad and disappearing to the washroom for an hour saying he was pooping. I also noticed and so did the kids that when we would look over at his iPad he would flick the page away so we could not see it. Then one day I was jogging on the treadmill and noticed his password to his iPad and when he left for work I looked into his iPad. Well I found out was on a kink site and a few other sites and found out user name and password and logged into his kink site to find over 300 pics of my husband dressed up in women’s undergarments with high heels, stockings and a wig and his name was a girls name. On top of this there was pics of my husband being sandwiched between 2 men. My husband getting it in the behind and a man in front that he was giving a blowjob to. I also found that he liked being a submissive and dressing in women’s undergarments. Everything I looked at that he made comments on it was all male genitalia, I did not see any pictures of any women parts. I also found that he was on some web cam thing and he was jerking off for everyone to watch. Then I found another web cam thing of him sitting on dildos for the world to see. All this supposedly started about 2008. He had also been advertising to get together with men doms. I know I was having my problems but did I push him to men? Or was this in him?
There is another piece of the puzzle, I found out when all this came out and we were going for help that when my husband was young this is Grandmother used to give him enimas and he liked it and she also used to dress him as a little girl. He spoke with his older brother about this and his brother remembered that he used to run and hide from Grandma and then my husband would get the enimas.
We have gone for help and we were separated for over a year. I am now back and he says he truly loves me and he is sorry but I can’t get all those pics out of my head.
When I found this all out I hated him and I wanted to hurt him so I told our kids and which to my surprise they just accepted him. I tried to commit suicide and landed up in the hospital for a week and then on LTD trying to cope with this. Even to this day we live together but I am not happy we sleep in the same bed but I cannot even touch him I cannot get those pics out of my head. I also found things he had bought for me was in the pictures and he was using them to get off.
I don’t know what to do it still hurts, and I am still angry. We don’t talk about it. When I was seeing the psychologist about this last year she said you husband is gay and he is not admitting to it and she even told him to his face in front of me. He says he is bi-sexual but I find it very hard to swallow when everything on the sites he was on was all male genitalia he was making comments on.
I feel so alone, no one to talk with.
I would like to talk with someone who has been through the same.


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