It seems like both sides of this debate have merit. 

just personal opinions of course. 
I think it can be harmful to hold in your emotions completely and never express the pain and betrayal.  I think there is a healthy way to outlet those emotions and get them off your chest so that you don't have to fight with yourself in the future to hold them in.   
But, I think once you've done that..  once you've made your feeling known, then there is no point in doing it anymore.  Say what you need to say and then go no contact.  Any rehashing or repetition in communication is fruitless.  No contact is absolutely the best for your own peace of mind and happiness.  

 

Unless I'm wrong, RW is still actively living with her husband.  It would be impossible to go no contact in such a situation.  RW, am I incorrect in that you're still together?  Because if you're not, then definitely go no contact.

You sound so supportive of him, and that may have been okay the first time you caught him and you just wanted the truth, and to figure this thing out together.  But he didn't take you up on that.  He instead lied to you, and then did exactly what he wanted to do - and he knew exactly what he was doing.  He knew he was lying to you, deceiving you, and putting your health in danger.  And he still did it.

It's past time to be supportive at this point.  Especially since you've made mention that he knows how to cut you down and belittle you.  Which means that he's done plenty of that - which is NOT okay - in ANY circumstance.  It IS time to get angry.  I know you wish you were there.  But maybe instead of trying to figure out him, you look at it ONLY from your perspective - that he lied to you, cheated on you, deceived you, put your health in danger, knowingly damaged your relationship, and used you.  If you can concentrate on how he did each of those things, and how little he must respect you in order to do them, you might just get angry.  You're trying to see this from his perspective, but it's past time for that.  He has been seeing it from his perspective alone for a long time now.  You don't BOTH need to be on his side - then who will be on yours?  It's like he's running you over continually in the driveway with the car, and after every hit you hold up a little flag that says, "Go you!" "Thatta Boy!" "I hope this is making you feel fulfilled."  Ugh.  STOP THAT.  It's not healthy.

Kel

Keep on RW, you're doing great. Just another shout out for no contact. It helps break that rumination cycle. I read so much on here to block them then only when I did it did I feel I was winning.

Hello Ride, abuse is not something you should live with. I would suggest considering any options you have for seeking some personal counseling. Then there are the legal options. Those vary from place to place but it's usually possible to get a free preliminary chat with any lawyer. That's a great way to ask some questions and start to collect valuable information on what your options are, along with what you are entitled to. That doesn't mean you are deciding to leave or putting a timeline on it. In some cases it pays to quietly build the safety net slowly over time so that one has a solid exit plan. Of course, if physical danger is a possibility, you should always seek to contact the authorities and find an escape to a safe place. Be safe, you might want to consider starting your own thread so you can better share and collect responses into one place.

Hi Kel

Still going strong with the no contact. Thanksgiving will mark 3 weeks since I called him out and his denial. I am doing a lot of reading on narcissism and co-dependency. I am trying to just keep moving forward. It is hard because I do hear that he is talking about me to mutual friends stating that I am a crazy bitch. I know what I saw and I know it was real, even though he states it isn't reality. Each day gets easier. My friends are encouraging and telling me I am so strong and doing great. I still find myself talking about him a lot, which I guess is to be expected and is part of the healing process. I am still trying to process it all, but I am not sad anymore, I feel indifferent to it all. Thank you for checking in on me. I hope all is well with you!