I hoped that someone else might have posted in the interval but since no one has I'll add my thoughts again. Your husband may not be able to acknowledge his same sex attraction at this time in his life and you can't help him through what he isn't ready to face. It could be years before he gets to that point, if he ever does. You have to decide what you can live with and what is unacceptable.

If you are planning on staying with him after the baby is born please be aware that he may bond with the child and leave you out even more. New mothers are told not to get so involved with the baby that the fathers are neglected but I've seen no similar advice for fathers about making time for their wives. When you have a husband who isn't into intimacy anyway cuddle time may be the baby and not you. Not that you should be jealous of your child but there is no attempt at balance.

Most men can't wait to resume sex with their wife post-delivery but we didn't have sex until it was time to try for another child. And try to stay silent when your doctor asks about birth control methods. For years.

I wish you well. My children are the bright spots from my marriage and I would have had no support system if I had left him. Don't let yourself get in that position by neglecting your career and if at all possible, maintain relationships with family members who will support you rather than blame you.Try not to get isolated, by depression or by geography if he wants to move away from your support system.

Enjoy your pregnancy and don't force yourself to make decisions that  you aren't ready to make.  

 

My husband says he's bi. Just came out after 10 years of marriage and in the middle of trauma therapy. I thought he was acting out his abuse so I allowed him to show me what he had been hiding for years, different types of sexual orientation (gay/bisexual/tranny). I was mortified but went along with this new sexual openness thinking he was processing sexual abuse (by a step-father, ages 11-16). He loved my new openness and I admitted that I might have thought about women before too. However, sex with women to me seems solely sexual fun & nothing I would go outside my marriage for. Then he started talking about threesomes. Not that this hasn't come up before but this time it included more than just women. With my acceptance, he let me know his true desires for very well endowed men/trannys. I begged him to discuss that with his counselor and she would know what to say. I think he told her he was very happy that his wife accepted his bisexuality, open to threesomes and I'm bisexual too. Well\, I considered if I could do this or not. I thought telling him to wait until trauma therapy was done would change the intensity or his counselor would help him process it. Nope. She only knows what he tells her. I have no idea what he told her accept that he's been pretty happy lately. I guess he feels like he got his cake & will be able to eat it to. I may be accepting toward the lgbt community but that doesn't mean I necessarily want to enter that world as a participant. I've been devouring everything I can get my eyes on in websites dealing with these things. That's how I found this place! Thank you, thank you, thank you. I try to tell him how I feel but he just can't hold a space for it. I'm  a prude, I'm a Holy Roller Christian (a very bad cut down for him), Bible-Thumper, just like "them". All the typical responses. This has destroyed me as a person. I am in the process of reinventing myself: going to school, getting a job - focusing on ME for the first time in 10 years!! I didn't notice how much this relationship consumed me. I spent all my time looking for proof, evidence. There was plenty but he'd get violent & gay bash. The beauty of marriage for me is monogamy. I don't care if I'm bisexual. I married YOU. I want YOU! I'm hearing that he doesn't want JUST me. And I have a sneaking suspicion that he is actually gay but wants to use the marriage to stay in the closet. Saying he's bisexual is just a way for him to be gay with a wife. I have told him till I'm blue in the face that I feel invisible when we have sex bc he insists on watching porn "to get hard" or else he's limp. Well then, if I don't do it for you....?? Nope, he won't go there. Nope, he's ONLY bisexual. He said he would never, ever pursue same sex partners without me. I do not believe it at all. I think I would be the third wheel and be shocked to see him do all the things to that man's body that I have been longing for him to do to mine. He cannot hear that I believe he is inadequate with me in bed. He just won't hear it. He will go nuts, ptsd. Too sensitive. Isn't this a red flag? So obvious to me. I'm hoping he will open his eyes. But I am not holding out for it anymore. I am moving on in my life (going to school, getting a job). I am making all the moves that will set me up for being single. If he wants to work it out & get honest then we will have to reinvent our marriage. I just don't think that's going to happen. I have been suicidal for two years solid. Did not move from my bed much. Gained weight. Was told I was unattractive (that's why he doesn't want to have sex), blamed for restricting his private sexual activity. I was shamed. I am on medication for depression and he's happy to say that my depression is the reason for our marital problems and he's so glad I'm on meds now. He also has "come clean" with so many details my head is spinning. Things I really couldn't handle hearing. How much he loves huge cock, for instance. How much he loves the taste & smell of another man (or woman's) body. Not mine!!! How much he ENJOYED aspects of his abuse & wants to keep some of it as part of his life now. How everything I do reminds him of the sick relationship his stepfather tried to force him to have. Oh god. There has been no space for me to process the years of deception, self-denial (I knew) & feeling of betrayal. He came clean about an incident involving a cross-dressing man that I KNEW about. Well, he was picking me up one day and the guy was standing there talking to him. At the time he told me it was someone down on their luck & he felt sorry for him. He said he was warning him that straight men would get violent toward him if he was cross-dressing & this area is a bad area. He was doing a public service. He felt sorry for him. That was last summer. During therapy, recently, he told me more details he didn't tell me before. Because I was getting more information every time we talked about it, I believe he actually had a sexual encounter with this guy but is too ashamed to tell me. He knows I will flip & leave right away Infidelity is infidelity. He said two things that disturbed me the most: that he had to reach out and touch his "boob" to see if it was really a boob. I questioned this intently as touching is off limits in a monogamous relationship. He said he "had to" touch it to see if it was a stuffed bra or real. I said "Stop. That's enough for me to feel cheated on. You touched." He also admitted the guy asked to suck his dick. And another time he admitted that there was an "I'll show you mine, if you show me yours" exchange. Of course, I tried to remain calm & gather as much info as I could. I know this parking lot very well - he drove me here every Tues night for 7 weeks. He said he was parked in the back. I said "there is no place to park in the back, so where were you actually?" He began to hem & haw, "hmmm, lemme think. Was that the night I went to get cigarettes? I dunno. I must have moved the truck." I stopped questioning right there bc I knew he was just lying more. This place is a mini mall. There is a Dollar General, a small chain grocery store, & few other businesses that were closed. If he needed water or cigs he'd walk 20 feet to the establishment next door to where I was & get it. He would not have any reason to move his truck. I knew the only reason to move it was to take this guy to a secluded place so they could do whatever. When I told him I suspect he's lying (in other conversations here & there) he rages at me. How DARE I call him a LIAR!! He acts like he's going to attack me. Hit me? Yes, he has. When a mutual friend that he respects (someone he is intimidated by) saw my bruises around 5 years ago. That person turned to him and said if I see another bruise on her I will break both your legs. And this is someone who loves him like a brother. Someone I respect & who is no longer in our life. So here I am. I have a plan for my physical well-being in place. I am taking a skills class at a trauma healing center. My 16 yo son just started too. My husband is there also but he is just finishing and my son and I are just starting. And in case you're wondering about my son. He is not attracted to my son bc his penis is too small. No shit. That's what he said, but could only admit this to me recently. He completely ignores my son. My son is angry at him. It's a huge mess. The best thing is we're all getting help. I feel my husband is still deep in denial. Just reading some of the facts on this site to him made him rage "I AM NOT GAY!!!". He said he wants a divorce just a few minutes ago bc this place is telling me he is gay when he's not so we may as well end it now. He gets like that all the time. Says he's going to leave me any time I make waves. This used to hurt so much bc he knows I have nothing to my name except debt from our ugly marriage. But I am dismantling that button for him to press as we speak. In fact, before I was able to get out of bed I had a shelter lined up for me to go to at any time. That was Feb, Mar, Apr (my Birthday month) of this this year. I am better now. Getting stronger. But I have very little mental support. I fall back to blaming & shaming myself all the time. We have sex & it goes alright and I get all hopeful again. Only to wake up & be devastated again. I'm living a nightmare. I'm going to wake up and be relieved I was just dreaming. Nope. It's real. I have felt so very alone until now. I've read story after story and finally realized how NOT alone I am. Someone who understands, that's all I need. Someone who won't tell me that what I feel is damaging to someone else who is damaging me. This is my first post. I just looked for a box to type and started typing. I could go on and on but it's too painful. So I'll stop there. Thank you everyone.

Ouch! But if I'm the only one who believes this and I have no support, how can I believe I am right? And I want to clarify, not that it matters much, that the comment about my son was not just spontaneous. We were talking about him coming out bisexual and I asked if he ever thought about that. He said no bc he prefers HUGE penises.Still sick that what if he had a BIG ONE? So that means he would have went for it? Well, I guess so. But when this is so BLATENTLY off the wall & I am caught off guard AND dealing with a narcissistic denial master, I don't know what is what. That's why I'm here. Lots of people tell me I should leave him - those who got close. But they don't understand the mental torture and doubt. I don't trust my own intuition after 10 years of stubborn denial. Yes, I internalized that. Surely he wouldn't be this triggered and angry if he wasn't telling me the truth, is the crazy thought. Top that with total & complete isolation from anyone. No friends, not even casual,no job - no social interaction to speak of other than the grocery store & other shopping. I simply have no reference. Like I said, that is why I'm here. I need to trust my intuition again. I need to know that I am correct. BUT GENTLY. The guilt of staying, of exposing my child, of putting up with it. Of family calling cps on me bc they were sure he was molesting my son. Ya, sicking the Police on the battered wife bc she's too stupid to get of an abusive situation so we have to do it for her. I went to trauma healing services. He agreed to go. He got in first to start individual therapy. I got in two months later, go figure. When I was the one doing all the calling & setting up of appointments etc. He simply agreed to go. My counselor told me I need the skills group. That I was suffering ptsd currently in this relationship. That to heal my past sexual trauma (my past & current ptsd), I need to come "home from the war" first. She said she would be happy to spend these trauma sessions dealing with my marriage but that she'd rather that I go and get general counseling on my own (for the marriage) and then return to work on past trauma. It took me 5 sessions of crying & telling her everything he was doing before I said I guess I need some skills. Skills of coping,distress tolerance, self-compassion (HUGE!! - thus my username) and independence. I am completely dependent on his income. We are in too much debt. I have no car. Not much at all to my name. So I am getting those things now. This is my exit plan. To work on me. I'm getting a job. I'm saving money. I'm putting my foot down & getting a back bone. I am insisting that he deal with this in a way that I feel safe or it's over. He is playing head games with me. I am biding my time so I do not have to go to a shelter. Believe me, the suicide prevention hotline knows me by first name, I know all the local shelters and I also know that most of them will not take my 16 yo son. He will be placed somewhere else, by himself, with strangers. I am in a whole new State I've never lived before. I know no one. Just getting to know social services now and I have to say I am impressed so far. I've been picked up by a crisis team twice. They know what's up. They sat here on my couch just two weeks ago and said 'You are doing awesome and you are going in the right direction". I wouldn't take that compliment and I did not truly believe that. I'm broken but I am open. They said the average is 7 times. Seven attempts to leave before a person actually does it. Well, we separated once in 2015. But I asked him to help me out of a bad jam. We went to another State for some crappy opportunity (my idea) that did not work out. We separated from there but I had to ask him to pick me up & get me out of there. We've been together ever since but never really talked about it. Well that's how I ended up here in this new State. So yah, since early 2016 I've been here dying inside & shriveling into nothingness. I came up for air, decided not to end my life. I decided my son needs me to help him to fly out of the nest with the strongest wings possible. I am leaving him. But it's not easy, it's not quick and I fall back into hoping all the time. I still love this guy as crazy as this sounds. Tonight I've been begging him to just be civil. Admit he can't give me what I need (honesty about issues without denial) and I can't give him what he needs (my own denial) so we can just pursue happiness. He won't even go there. So, yah, I'm building my support team. I'm making my exit plan. I need clothes, shoes, a job, a life. I don't know how else to do this but this way. If someone offered me an apartment with rent paid for 3 months, I'd go and never look back. As long as he gets no access to me after that. NONE. I have no cell phone either. I need people who are going through the same thing to tell me I'm not crazy. So thank you but please be gentle. I don't need a reality slap. I need validation & support. Thank you for your reply. I hear what you're saying and I appreciate you. 

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Last edited by Duped (September 13, 2019 2:20 pm)

Thank you majenco. Your words are so soothing. Scary but the right kind of scary. I have excitement for the future bc I found this place. I am continuing to do the same actions regardless of my back & forth, School, job etc can only help no matter what direction I go. I'm searching for individual counseling now. I don't have that. I am in a skills group helping me to focus on my self. Huge. But I do need someone to talk to. I found a support group from this site that I can go to once a week. That's gonna be big for me. VALIDATION! 

Duped: Thank you also for your words of truth. I am so grateful for your validation. I can't say that enough. I am shocked how freeing it is. Yes, I think I WILL get tested & stop thinking that it's not the right thing to do. Besides, what can it hurt? Knowing is power. Isn't it? Thank you!

Daryl: I do need to disengage. As soon as I get a job & can afford to do something besides a shelter, I will. If he escalates, I won't hesitate to go to the shelter. We are involved in trauma healing services. They are letting both of us know what cps can do here if I won't. At least with me, they know the situation 100% - every ugly piece of it. So an agency is now overseeing my marriage, my son, my husband. One that works hand in hand with Police, CPS and many other services I have taken advantage of in just the past few months. We have had cps at our house twice over the years. They found nothing but how far did they dig? Only on the surface. That's okay. I don't want that. I'm doing something about it. Yes, I devour everything I can get my hands on. Since starting therapy in June, I have read three books, the Lucidpages.com (all about incest - long term studies), PTSD, Narcissism, co-dependency, domestic violence and I have also started writing again (had severe distrust that what I write can/will/has been used against me) and I have written a book. The first time I started I hand wrote 30 pages non-stop on printer paper front & back.  It took me a while to take my new knowledge in FOR ME and not to diagnose or confront HIM but it happened eventually. I am a sponge. I believe he has Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissism, Antisocial Disorder - I could go on and on but who cares? I care about my diagnosis and my son's diagnosis. I have a new diagnosis, surprise! Not! My son probably has one too. I'm about to find out. I'm ready to face that with eyes & arms wide open. I get it - I need to focus on me and my son needs me severely, being the victim here. I am one of six daughters from an alcoholic, drug infested, cocaine/orgy, Police involved incestuous childhood. My real father was wonderful but I never saw him. I had 3 stepfathers in a row that were of younger & younger ages than my mother (like a 21 yo stud when her daughters ages were 18, 17, 14, 10, & 6). Every one of them used drugs/alcohol and were wife beating, child molesting demons. Every one of my sisters is completely screwed up and dysfunctional. Some believe bc they are financially well off (opposite of me) that they have it made. But their home is full of the same thing as mine. They married wife-beating, child molesting men. Some of them also have issues with their sexual identity. But all of this is hidden right under the surface. None of us sisters associate with each other. My Mother made sure we all hated each other. No partnering up against the abuser to be had there. My sisters bcm the abusers to me. Caught me with my step father and beat me to a pulp - I was 11. Modify the child, not the abuser. We went to the Police by ourselves on foot. There was no cps then. The police locked us in a cell & called our parents & warned us to never lie about being raped ever again or we will get locked up. It was bc my sister who was raped (11 yo at the time) had a nervous giggle. She was intimidated by all the male police officers in her face saying "Are you sure? This is serious". That was our first step father. So I have a history of severe dysfunction & screwed up priorities. I sometimes feel like a war hero who survived and isn't it amazing. The sometimes I feel like the biggest looser for hurting innocent children & never seeing the forest through the trees. Severe self-hatred. That doesn't help. I'm learning and I know I'll be okay. I KNOW my son will be okay. I know because I want SO BADLY to end pain & start to live while I still have the chance.

I'm inspired. Thank all of you. I will be staying right here. I am so touched by every single story here. Chmiddy6: your story touches me and encourages me. I hope I can do the same. So grateful.