It is so hard to get unstuck from this rut. I am glad that you are finding your way and starting to think through things in a logical manner. Hard to do when the emotions are so raw but certainly well worth the hard work and self evaluation. Blessings and best wishes. Thanks for sharing where you are, it is an encouragement to us all.

Wayne I am glad if my progress helps you in any way for your journey.  I know how very hard this is.  It has been the hardest thing I have ever had to deal with.

Phoenix, thanks so much for your encouragement.  It feels good to start feeling better and put myself first.  As an empath and codependent it has been very hard for me to understand the damage I do to myself by accepting poor behavior and treatment.   
I’m still not sure what I am going to do but I am more confident that whatever I decide I will be ok because I will be strong enough to handle the consequences of my decision.
A big part of what has helped me is therapy and time apart from my husband.  We have been temporarily separated for about a month and a half and that time, while very difficult at first, has helped me see things much more clearly.  It has helped me break away from the narrative that was going on before.  There was a lot of manipulating happening and I see that now.
My husband is contrite, wants to work things out, put me first etc.  he has been sober 7 months and is active in AA and has a certified sex Therapist he sees twice a week.
He has admitted to being physically, emotionally and sexually abused  as a child.
I know he was physically and emotionally abused.  I knew that from the start and it was obvious as he was estranged from his family and what little contact we had made it very clear that his family was violent and filled with addicts in deep denial.
I’m not sure about the sexual abuse though.  It’s certianly possible, but also seems like yet another convenient excuse for same sex behavior.
In the end all that matters to me is trust.  I do believe he loves me but I am not sure if I can ever trust or feel the same way about him sexually again.  It seems highly unlikely.
I am going to go to therapy with him at the end of this month to see what progress has been made on that front but there’s no magic wand to fix this.  It is what it is and the damage has been done.  I love him, but with my new eyes looking at him in this way I feel like that love will fade in time if something significant doesn’t happen.  I have no idea what that something could  possibly be.  I guess it would need to be a shift inside me.  At this point the only shift I see is me shifting towards moving on. 
I don’t know when it will happen,  but I know I will not live in limbo forever and for now that has to be good enough.

Last edited by majenco (November 13, 2017 11:56 am)

Majenco I am so happy for your progress toward freedom for yourself.  It is so difficult. I recall both of our sposes are also alcohol addicts. Mine has lost his job and is escalating his drinking. I am getting ready for him to live elsewhere ASAP. I thought it would be better to delay it for the sake of our teenage son but I no longer see any advantage in dragging out the misery. I don't know if my husband is going to survive on his own. Sounds silly, right?  I'm worried about him!  But I really need peace in my life and some way to find my own self again. I don't seem to be able to make progress with him in the house. We have old patterns that are hard to break when we are around each other. I have been so sad lately. I am not taking good care of myself or my needs. I am helping him job hunt!  Ugh. I feel alone.

Do keep in mind that alcoholism or being molested as a child isn't an excuse for being Gay and marrying someone straight. There may be factors in what your Gay spouse is using to explain things away when they are exposed as being Gay, but it's not why they have done this to you. Stop spinning up wild excuses for their lack integrity and character. These are not kind people and none of them care about any of us or they wouldn't have lived this shallow, false and damaging life with us. They used all of us and lack basic decency whether or not they call themselves Christians or had a religious upbringing. It's not Christian to do this to your wife or husband and if you continually forgive them, you won't have anything left of yourself. They feed off you sweeping it all under the rug and staying in the game with them. Most of them are very good at creating all kinds of wild excuses followed up by some "I love you and I do want this marriage with you" game. That lasts about 10 seconds and they move on to repeat it all but get even better at working to hide it from you. There doesn't seem to be too many here who want to tell the harsh reality or truth about this for fear of not being fluffy enough. The more time you engage in their game to hide behind you, they more time you've lost. Might as well cut to the chase and save yourself. It's inevitable.

Last edited by Reality (November 15, 2017 5:50 am)

Once the trust is gone, the marriage is OVER. If you stay in it, you are deluding yourself and delaying the divorce. Time apart after being betrayed is just a delay tactic. It's buying time for them to use us more. Don't give them the chance. Enough is enough. You will end up at the same destination as all of us.

Duped wrote:

Im glad you feel better Majenco, and your courage to ask for time apart has helped.

You're right though, there is love and there is trust and you can't really have one without the other.

I hope you continue to look after yourself first and end up in a more peaceful place.