I think it goes just a bit deeper than that. Of course not all hetero's exhibit 100% fidelity but when we commit to one, that "one" has a physical attraction our very core desires (opposite sex characteristics). When you are gay that core isn't really there. You can try to convince yourself that it exists but it doesn't change that desire. In some cases it appears to lead to depression. Some of our spouses fall to alcohol or other addictions. Some stray just enough to satisfy that urge. Some go into full double-life mode.

Speaking from a few years of post-disclosure, as much as I would have wanted to save my relationship, I also want both of us to be happy and that would not have happened (to either of us) if my ex decided to tough it out. In the long run you lose some of the joy in being a couple.

Last edited by Daryl (November 4, 2017 1:24 pm)

Chris, 

I've thought about this often.  I expected my ex to chose to honor commitment of marriage despite her sexual desires.  I felt that was the right thing to do.   She felt it was unfair to her and unfair to me.  She kept saying that no person should be forced to be "celibate" for the rest of their life.  Outside of her sexuality we had an excellent marriage and a fantastic family and life together.  We were best friends, good parents, making our way financially and planning for retirement, enjoying vacations, watching the kids grow up, etc..  I couldn't see how her sexual desire would be so important to her to make her detonate all of the things we had built together.  But she did..    Unfortunately she didn't do it kindly either..  She cheated and lied and turned into a slime-ball of a person.   

A year later I can look back and see things a bit more clearly.   What I was asking for was something that most of us had already done.  Not many of us had healthy, fulfilling sexuality in our marriage.  Most members of this club had infrequent and unpassionate sex.  We always had to instigate.  We were often rejected and made to feel bad.  When we did get sex, it was robotic and one-sided.   But, despite the poor experience in that aspect of our lives we chose to remain married.  We honored our vows and commitment.  We stayed in a marriage despite being unfulfilled sexually.  But many of our gay spouses couldn't do that..   They weren't willing or able to keep their vow.  

So yes.. commitment is a choice.  Be proud of yourself because you chose honorably.   

So I post this with a degree of hestitancy as I have only joined the site in the last 12 hours and only in the last 5 days learned that my partner of 13 years is gay -- a realization that she came to the very moment she shared it with me: the first time she said it aloud was as I was holding her.

Sexuality is fluid, complicated and sometimes contradictory. Categories like "straight," "gay" and "bisexual" are things that we make up to try and fit incredibly complex realities into simple models. They might be useful to policymakers and statisticians, but no category can accurately capture and describe a human life.

People can live their whole lives and not be aware of who they "really" are. I've met too many "straight" people who met and fell in love with a person of the same gender, and a few "gay" people who met an opposite gender person that they fell hard for. (Erica Moen wrote a great webcomic about this kind of experience, Google "Dar Comic," as I cannot post links yet.... ) I can't believe in fixed identities because I've seen too much evidence to contradict the idea.

My wife and I are going to move forward in a queer-positive way. Maybe we'll find a way to make it work, maybe we won't. Maybe next year she and her (as of yet imaginary) girlfriend and the (as of yet imaginary) woman that will be my "friend with benefits" will have Christmas brunch together. Or maybe we won't and I'll be grateful for the best 13 years of my life and wishing her the best as she moves on and I do too -- sad, and a little hurt, but also happy that the person I love is building a happy new life for herself, as I will for me, because human beings have the power to do that.

But bitterness? I've got no time for that. Life is too damn short. Looking at myself right now, I'm feeling a lot of things. Anger is not one of them. I've not been rejected, nor have I been betrayed. My reality has changed, and I will adapt. God gave me the freedom and power to do so.

Reading some of these posts, I'm not sure this is the community for me -- I respect there's a lot of pain, because I'm feeling more pain and fear than I've ever felt in my life right now. But this is not permanent. People can, will, and do, live and grow and change and adapt and make peace. Skimming some of the posts and the usernames that reflect deep-seated feelings of anger and betrayal makes me think this may not be the kind of queer-positive space I assumed it was. I hope I'm wrong.

Be good to yourselves and each other.

Last edited by DoonesburyFan (November 7, 2017 1:24 am)

Most of the straight spouses on this board are here simply because we're the sort of people who do make the choice to be committed - we want monogamy and will stick with our mate through thick and thin.  Not everyone is the same so you can't really say anyone can make the choice to be committed.  

And it gets even more complicated - not everyone who stays in a marriage is truly committed to their partner, some are committed to themselves.  My ex was gay in denial and simply using me for as long as he could spin it out.  37 years and then another 18 months to finalise a divorce.  

My philosophy is bitter is good.  You are a goodnatured person you will always be one.  Bitter is like food, who would want to take out bitter from food, certainly not those of us who like coffee, or chocolate is bitter too for that matter.  Beer, of course too.  It is a healthy clean-feeling thing, it gives a balance to the taste.

Thanks to those who quoted me/responded to me. I’m still processing a lot of what’s going on here in my life, and I found some of your comments useful for getting a handle on ideas I’ve been struggling with. 

Duped wrote:

I’m afraid we’re a community that is a product of what has happened to us. In most cases we are here for support because we have been lied to, deliberately misled and cheated on. Some of us have had our reality deliberately distorted and yes we are bitter (I am). I can’t see too many stories where people came here sad and embraced the situation, generally this is because they have been emotionally abused.

 I get that, but I’m not sure what any of that that has to do, specifically, with LGBTQ identity. Straights don’t lie, mislead, cheat on and abuse their partners? Of course they do. I’m here for support not because somebody did something bad to me, but because someone I love more than anyone else is going through something hard that will forever change the nature of our relationship and I’m hoping for insights from people who wanted to move forward with love, openness, honesty, respect and, most importantly, a spirit of forgiveness for whatever pain was caused by the situation.
 

phoenix wrote:

You say your wife realized and shared her change in sexuality with you in the moment she expressed it to you?  
Many of the members of this forum are/were married to people who made this claim as well.  Only later, when the truth came out we found that our spouses had actually known this since their early teen years.  The reality is that a person can claim no guilt if their spouse believes they just "changed". 
I'm not saying your wife is lying to you because I don't know her.  But I will tell you that the collective experience of the people on this forum says otherwise. 

 My partner and I were struggling with a sex life that had pretty much died, something that was frustrating me deeply. It was in the course of her exploring the reasons for her lack of desire that she was finally able to admit something to herself that she had been carrying since her teen years/early adulthood. Repression and denial are powerful forces, all the more so in a society that still, with all the gains since Stonewall, is profoundly homophobic and still largely built on normalizing a particular type of sexuality – straight – and a particular type of relationship, one in which each partner is expected to be literally everything to the other, including a perfect sexual fit. If people lie and cheat as they struggle to make sense of their desires, I can’t not see that as happening, to whatever degree, because the feelings they are experiencing are things that they have never been equipped to deal with because they’ve been taught that those feelings are WRONG – for some, to wrong to the point of putting their immortal soul at risk. Which leads to this:

 

phoenix wrote:

Are we "queer positive"?   We support the LGBT movement with the goal of ending the discrimination that leads to LGBT people living in the closet and marrying heterosexual people to help them stay hidden. 

 That’s one definition of “queer positive,” but it’s one that I think sets the bar a little low. Ending discrimination of any type should be a universal goal; to me, that’s not “queer positive,” it’s “being a decent human being.”

My definition of “queer positive” means embracing and celebrating a person not despite their identity, but because of it; living a life in which people who love each other can explore and learn about the fullness of their being with the trust and respect that every human being deserves by virtue of being one of God’s children; understanding that sexuality is complex and accepting that the relationship and family models that society imposes on us and normalizes from birth and going back generations are part of a longer history of a society building itself in a way to benefit and privilege some to the detriment of others.

I can’t see “queer-positivity” as something that exists apart from, for example, the struggle for women’s/wimmin’s equality and the struggle against racism (Loving v. Virginia wasn’t that long ago, not to mention, say, the racialization of sexuality in apartheid-era South Africa.) Being “queer positive,” to me, isn’t just about letting people marry who they choose or marching in a parade once a year; it’s about “queering” the entire social order so people can be free to be their best selves. I look forward to reading more from this community to see what insights I can take from these shared experiences as I move on, but, as scared and confused as I can be right now, I won’t let anger stop me from loving and being loved.

Last edited by DoonesburyFan (November 7, 2017 1:32 pm)