I am writing this to you instead of sitting down in person because the last thing I would ever want to do is hurt you or embarrass you.

I want you to know I listen and watch everything you say to me. I see so much more than you realize. You are not very discreet, which makes me wonder if you wanted me to see. First time it happened we were in JC Penny and you were pulling up something to show me on your phone, and there it was, Craigslist t4m staring me back in the face with someone’s ass in the air. You had just been bragging to me that you hadn’t even watched porn and had left your laptop in your truck. I let it go because I knew of your fascination with looking at the pictures…you previously said that you went on these sites because it was visual like porn, and that I didn’t have anything to worry about, and I believed you, and I accepted that. At our last sit down, I told you I would not stand for the drugs, drinking all day, and the porn, and you agreed and said you would do whatever it takes for us to work. You said you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me and that there was no one else, and we were exclusive. You told me you were an open book. Again, I believed you.

Next time you slipped up you were sitting next to me, pulling up an email to show me and there it was…the headline read “Craigslist Re: Massage therapist here for your service- m4m”. I paused and thought to myself there is no way that he would reach out to someone on Craigslist and put myself and himself in danger.

I did something that I swore to myself I would never ever do again, and that is violate your privacy and trust. Sadly, I broke down and looked at your emails on your work phone to confirm what I saw. There it was in black and white. Your email to another man about wanting to give him oral and another email reaching out to a transgender woman telling her you didn’t mind giving her the donation aka “roses” which apparently you already knew what that lingo meant and asking her lots of personal questions. I have the pictures of both conversations, so please do not try to deny it.

I confirmed my suspicions and I decided to wait before confronting you about it so that I could digest what I saw and my actions in all of this. I have tried to understand why you would’ve done something like this.

Is he stressed? Is he bi? Is he gay? Is it the thrill? Did he truly act upon it? Is he addicted to porn?

I am at a loss here. I don’t know what to say. I am numbed by all of this. All I ever wanted was to love you and make you happy. I wanted to be your best friend. I wanted you to see how great life could be with a woman who loves you so deeply, and does not judge you. All I have ever wanted was for you to open up to me, let me in, and let me help you. You stated that you have never had to worry about anybody but yourself. Did you even think of me or worry about the repercussions that this may have on us?

I would love to understand why this happened. I have supported  ALL of you, the good, the bad and the ugly, BUT I WILL NOT be used as a cover and lied to and cheated on. I am hurt. My trust in you is damaged, as well as I am sure your trust in me is too.  I’m not sure if this relationship is repairable or if you ever truly even wanted to try. I realize now that this is part of who you are, and I am not sure I can share or accept the thought of you going outside of our relationship to find what truly makes you happy.

I could’ve lived with the porn had I had to...that’s one thing, but communicating with actual humans who’ve posted ads on Craigslist is crossing a line.   

I WILL NOT speak of this to anyone, you have my word. If you do want to talk this over I am here to listen and support you.

I love you with every ounce of my being. I would give anything to be that person that can fulfill your every desire.