I am brand new here and I really need a stranger to talk to. We are 24 years old and have been married to my husband for 2.5 years. He is a great man, just want to clarify that. Everything has been great in all other aspects besides being physical and sexual. We are best friends. We love each other. We both come from a Christian background. His dad is very homophobic. When we were dating, things were amazing. He was Christian, I was Christian, he wanted to wait until marriage to have sex, I wanted to wait as well. Dating was not very physical because I thought he was just so involved with his faith. And it was fine with me because I have a hard time being intimate with others due to social anxiety and general anxiety. I felt safe with him because he never pressured me to do anything. We would only peck kiss each other, never make out, cuddle on the couch, hold hands, and hug.. I liked that at first because it was comfortable to me. Two and a half years into dating, I went over to his house and he was laying on his bed crying and said “we need to talk.” He started off by saying, “all I’ve ever wanted was to be a husband and father...” as he is crying. In my mind I subconsciously thought “oh no, he’s gay.” But then he said that he has been struggling with porn for the past few years. I never asked him what kind of porn, I have just assumed it was Woman based porn. The thing I was most devastated at that discovery was that he was getting it off with a computer screen instead of Using his soon to be wife for sex. I was so confused. I think I am an attractive woman. I’m normal weight, have long brown hair, and an hour glass figure. But knowing that he watched porn made me feel ugly. The haunting question was why didn’t he use me for sex? I learned to forgive him and he promised me that he would not watch porn anymore so he wouldn’t hurt me. I believe in my gut that he stopped watching it from that day forward.  So anything that I felt was odd physically and sexually, I always suspected the reason for it was because he screwed up his brain with porn. That has always been my go-to reasoning. We dated for three years, had sex, and then were married 2 months later. I was a virgin before meeting him so I didn’t really know what sex is supposed to be like. Our first sex encounter it took us over two hours to finish. He gave up and finished off by masturbating. I chalked it up to him just being nervous and his brain being porn driven. And I didn’t orgasm either because of being nervous. That was that. I think it was exciting for both of us. We were in our honeymoon stage. Sex was new and fun. I remember him saying, “turn on the light, I want to see you.” That felt great.  Now it’s different and now I’m on this website questioning everything. We have sex about twice a week but I always initiate. He never does ever. He said he doesn’t initiate because he’s afraid I will say no. I would never do that unless I was sick or something. I told him that, he said okay. Still never initiates: the way we have sex is very to the book and vanilla. We don’t kiss each other. (Making out kind of freaks me out because of germs) but he is okay with that too, why is he okay with that?  I start by touching his body and junk, he doesn’t ever touch me. We get him hard, and he gets on top of me and holds me really close, closes his eyes and looks to the side, we have missionary sex, he cums, I orgasm most of the time, and then he goes to bed. No cuddling. That upsets me because I tell him I need more physical touch. When he does cuddle me he’s very stiff and I can tell he doesn’t like it.  I told him that last night and he said I was needy. I told him that if I didn’t ask for touch, we would never touch. He says that’s how he was raised. I believe that because his family isn’t physically loving at all. So that’s what I concluded that to be. But I’m still here on this website. One time, I asked him, do you want to try a different position? And he said “I don’t care.” And I said, “I wonder what doggy style would feel like” And he said, “no I would never do that to you.” As if that position is dirty or something. I hate that he doesn’t care. At the start I would occasionally be on top but then half way through he would flip me over and I would be on bottom face to face.  This summer my bitchy friend said, “why are you attracted to him? I think he’s gay.” And I said, “well we have sex.” And she said, gay guys can have sex with woman too.” That’s when I started to notice different things. He is not homophobic but it’s like his hobby or something to point out which of his friends are gay or who he thinks is gay. The other night he was on Snapchat and said, “do you think so and so is gay? He’s in Vegas at a gay bar. I think he’s gay because he’s homophobic..” I said why do you care so much? He said I don’t know and I said “you’re just into drama aren’t you? He said yes. I have my gay best friend staying at our house for a few months. We are very close to him and love him. Sometimes we massage each other before bed because it feels great and why not? Well, yesterday my husband was in his underwear (because why not we are at home) and he was massaging my gay friends shoulders but occasionally would look down at his own crotch( I think to make sure he didn’t have a boner). Is he attracted to him or is he making sure just because massages feel nice and he could pop one? Sorry this is so long. Feels great to write it all out. Thank you.