OurPath Open Forum
This forum is for discussion of issues related to Mixed Orientation relationships only, that is when one partner is heterosexual (straight) and one is Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Transgender or Questioning.
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* Opinions posted here, including that of the Administrator, are the poster's own and do not necessarily reflect the views or policies of OurPath.
* As a peer-to-peer network, any advice given is that of a peer, based on personal experience, and should not be considered professional in nature.
* Any discussion of LGBT related issues is acceptable provided it remains constructive and respectful of other viewpoints. Hateful, degrading, or prejudiced speech and/or personal attacks will not be tolerated.
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- Clif
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Re: Finally registered, feeling awkward
Hi Wayne,
Sorry you have to be here but glad you found this group.
I was married for 27 years before my ex-wife came out. Said she had always had a thing for women.
I was devastated. We divorced in late 2010. For 6 months I was miserable.
I now explain it this way, "I was mourning the loss of my illusion."
My thoughts are once someone confides to ANYONE that they are gay they rarely make the decision to stay in a hetero relationship. Using the word 'rarely' however means there are a few that do.
Be well,
Clif
Last edited by Clif (November 3, 2017 2:13 pm)
- lily
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Re: Finally registered, feeling awkward
Hi Wayne,
Going back to college will have meant meeting lots of new people. And yes all the 'anything goes' ideas, which don't seem to include being straight.
We monogamous types do seem to have an ability to do without sex for periods of time in order to stay with our mate, but it matters so much, doesn't it. can you do without it for the rest of your life? well maybe you could for the right mate but if she is having sex with someone else that changes it completely doesn't it - and we all know that.
In a sense tho, it doesn't matter whether our spouse is or isn't having an affair because right from the start it's been a one-sided affair. It takes time for it to sink in but logically you can see that she has been hiding her essential feelings all along from you.
- wayne
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Re: Finally registered, feeling awkward
I asked if she was involved or interested in anyone and was told no...So at this point that is where it is.
I took the opportunity to talk with her about my emotional needs, affection, being valued, etc...as well as discussing her emotional needs which seem to be having more control over her own destiny and choices. Seems she would prefer less connection with me. I guess time will tell if she heard my side of the story or chooses to continue in her deterioration of the relationship.
As for sex, that isn't going to happen with her and I still feel an obligation to be faithful. Time will tell.
- •
Thread Starter- tompetty781
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Re: Finally registered, feeling awkward
Wayne-
Sorry to hear about your struggles. I think what I am realizing has been the hardest part for me is my wife not "owning" this. There are always sly comments about- I have been telling you my relationship with so-and-so is not like others. It invalidates our legitimate feelings. I finally had her read the foreword of James Chapman's books to give her a sense of what things feel like from the other end as it wasn't getting thru with my words. I think there is a lot of wisdom on this board especially when people remind us WE have a choice and say too and that YES our spouse's behavior is selfish and adolescent.
- lily
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Re: Finally registered, feeling awkward
Wayne, have you heard the term emotional abuse?
I first heard it from my divorce lawyer - Do you realise he is being emotionally abusive? she asked, and financially abusive, she added. Oh!, and my jaw dropped.
so here you are telling her your emotional needs are not being met and her response is I'd rather give you less, not more. What are you supposed to say to that? oh right I don't need affection I'm a crocodile?
My suggestion is the use of time frames.
I have come to recognise there are lots of closet lesbians. They can be very charming and attractive, they often want to keep hold of their straight husbands, no matter the misery entailed for both of them. And they have secretive longterm affairs. They are not emotionally invested in the marriage with their husband, but with their romantic partner. I can't justify it, but my sense from what you have written is that your wife could be like that.
all the best, lily.
- wayne
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Re: Finally registered, feeling awkward
It seems that our little talk had very little effect on her. She doesn't want to be in a marriage relationship with me, doesn't want intimacy with me, doesn't to respond to my needs. I have sent her articles on how we as males feel about sex, acceptance, and self worth. She feels bad, acknowledges that I am getting the bad end of the deal but it doesn't change anything. I even expressed how affection was higher on my list than sex when it comes to emotional needs. You would think it wouldn't be so hard to show affection for someone you have been intimate with for over 14 years.
I'm realizing more and more that it seems to be about what she wants and her selfishness. and yet I still love her, still want my wife to love me too.
- •
Thread Starter- phoenix
- Administrator
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Re: Finally registered, feeling awkward
I'm sorry to hear that news wayne. I know just how you feel my friend.
Your love for her is genuine and authentic and it won't die quickly. It's going to hurt for a while. If there is a silver lining it is that she is not trying to lie to you and control you and keep you in a false marriage just to keep her secret. If you are destined to separate and restart your life, you can at least do it sooner and not waste more years.
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- lily
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Re: Finally registered, feeling awkward
yes, ditto to what Phoenix said, so sorry it does hurt to feel that lack of affection from your partner.
Just to whine a bit here for myself - my ex made me feel guilty for wanting affection like it was a defect in me. He would complain about how needy I was. Looking back, I can see that the times he put an arm round me were when we were in front of other people.
However strong his desire to maintain his image as the wonderful straight husband it didn't stretch to kissing tho. It is distressing to remember all of that - how he rebuffed my affection as me being inappropriate.
No wonder I would periodically blurt out with do you think you might be a bit gay - and he'd say no like how could I and it was my fault he wasn't going to be able to come near me for the next few months now so I better keep quiet and then he'd be able to approach sooner. Of course he never did and finally I started setting time frames and he walked right over those and then I was able to detach emotionally as a partner to him.
I know it seems like she is being more honest with you, but I am not sure that's entirely the case.