R&L - I'm so sorry.  You sound exactly like me just several years ago.  I let an entire year lapse because I believed him when he said he was just bored and it was only curiosity and he could stop at any time.  It took me finally telling my best friend a year later to get me to look on his computer again.  Unfortunately, the history showed it had been going on over and over right under my nose.  On our own computer and on the one he travels with.  He did a pretty good job of cleaning our computer, but not the travel one.  He went on to pull the same BS with me which was "I was bored, really, it's nothing, I can stop".  I let another year lapse, choosing to believe his lies again.  Then the dildos started showing up that he ordered "for me" when we had never used any sort of sex toy in our entire time together.   As it turns out, he had been looking at it even before our 10 year marriage.  years before, he would finally admit.  But he will not admit to anything else - even to this day.  I just grew tired of the lies and the dildos and I finally left. 

I get where you're coming from.  I do.  I've been there.  I totally bought the "I'm just looking", I was bored, you're black and white and I'm more gray.  I bought all of it.  But please explain to me WHY on earth a straight man would look at that.  They wouldn't.  When you're bored does your mind drift to fantasies of other women?  Do you then set up accounts on craigslist just to see?  Do you initiate contacts with lesbian women for no reason other than just boredom?  And what does "breaking chops" mean??

Hang in there.  Search for new jobs.  You don't have to do anything immediately!  You said you had retired early.  Is there a way you can inquire about your former job?  If you don't mind me asking - how old are you now?  How long have you been retired?

Thank you so much Kel, jkpeace and Stillwondering for your frank and enlightening posts here! Well, my denial card has been shattered but in a positive way to help ME....I'm  beginning to realize I will have to make some major life decisions.  Most hinge on tough financial goals as I DID retire and would have to return to work to pay off my mortgage & make much less salary bc I'm probably unable to continue in my career at this age & also to release this dependence on HIM to cover the expenses of owning my home.  Unfortunately, he put in more monies on updating the home than my mortgage balance is so he'll fight me tooth and nail to stay here when the time comes but I have been to a lawyer and understand my rights as the actual home owner.  He can contest(in my state) IF I decide to sell and can "sue me for some monies(not everything he put into the home) IF I make a profit on the house sale.  I am going to my bank today to get some facts on how much I need for what amt. of time to pay off the mtg earlier....not easy when I have nothing but SS coming in!!!! I keep thinking....ok, HE has MORE to lose than I do at this point but I have to move slowly and work out sooooo many details.

Such hurdles to get over at this time in my life but when the anger surfaces thinking how HE used me for over 10 yrs, it keeps me motivated.  I noticed since discovering all this on CL over 2 yrs ago that I've been just distancing myself from him to keep the emotions intact and all this came to a head when I found myself on his PC searching for more proof only yesterday, however, I 'm done with all that.  The only regret I have is that I deleted all the "proof" I might've needed as he watched over me doing it so we could "start fresh"  Yeah right!!!.....That was two years ago....GEEZ, ah?  I realized I don't NEED the proof, we aren't married, no sex in over 10 yrs(thankful for that)....no at home children(he's never married or had any kids) .....GEEZ!....wonder why??&%$#,,,should have been the first flag which probably WAS but in denial at that time...After spending over 4 hours yesterday reading many of the posts, most of you experienced repeated discoveries on CL.... I now realize that the depth of his lying, cheating and USING me will keep me out of denial for once and for all.  I notice when he says something sarcastic now, I don't argue, talk under my breath what I really want to say!  Not looking to rock the boat and don't want him to get suspicious prematurely  even though I almost don't care....Someone on here gave excellent advice to NOT confront bc what would that accomplish?  He'd only lie or give a lame/new excuse, however, when I have all my ducks in a row and feel financially secure, I'll just say those simple words....."I know"....I do have to say that I did say to him when all this was discovered that if I ever found out he brought anyone into the home, he'd have less than 30 days to get the hell out.  I have to say I've had fleeting thoughts of getting a camera facing him in the bedroom just to catch him(while I'm away on vacation)  which would only make this easier for me to get him out sooner regardless of my financial burden of the home expenses but why sicken myself with watching everything????I'm especially ANGRY that he has emeshed himself into my son and grandchildren's life and they adore him, however probably part of his plan to keep me emotionally attached and harder for me to let go.  Yup, I guess I'm in the anger stage but using my negative energies to channel making my plans to escape easier...I guess I should change my pathetic username to something more empowering????  lol  

R&L -

Go see a lawyer for a free consultation.  They can help you begin to know what exactly to expect with regards to support, for how long, how marital assets would be split, etc.  A lot of people think they need to figure everything out before they go to the lawyer, and it's scary and it takes a long time.  I wish they knew to do it the opposite way - go, get free info about how to move forward, and leave knowing more of what to expect than when you walked in.  It's like immediate learning.  And it's really refreshing to be gathering info JUST for you, and then being able to digest it at your own speed, for your own needs.  Empowering.

Kel

Kel wrote:

Does it sound like men look at other men just out of curiosity???  No.  In fact, not only do they not want to look at each other, but they do not even want anyone to think they have.  A straight man  would rather have his hair set on fire than have men think he's looking at them.  Because ew - that's disgusting.  It makes them cringe.  They may admire another man's body from the perspective of "damn - nice abs.  Wish I had those".

I agree with the depicition of the behavior as you describe it Kel, but I don't completely agree with the reason for it. It is true that straight men don't go seeking it out, that's absolutely true. But if we thought it was "disgusting, it makes us cringe" then we could not admire another man's body from the perspective of "damn, nice abs, wish I had those," either. 

The motivation is not that we cringe at seeing another man's body. Think of being in the army, or a shared shower area at the gym, or if you had roommates in college, or grew up sharing a bedroom with your brother(s). We can't prevent seeing it at certain times. It's that, as you said at first, we "do not want anyone to think" we've looked at another man, and also, we don't like the idea of another man possibly checking us out and we assume other guys feel the same way. But we still have eyes that see and take note and compare; there's no getting around that, we just don't want to admit it. Anyone who says he never does that - straight or gay or inbetween - is not being fully honest, because there is no way to avoid it, short of plucking your eyes out first. But it's that we "do not want anyone to think" it about us.

Sorry, guys, if I just spilled the beans...

Last edited by BryonM (September 1, 2016 12:15 pm)