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1 - wayne
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Finally registered, feeling awkward
I wish awkward were the only word to show how I am feeling. My situation started almost a year and a half ago when she decided to tell me she thought she was gay. I guess I had created such a caring and loving environment, always supportive, that she thought she could confide in me. Maybe that is just part of the old saying that nice guys finish last. 15 years of marriage and she decides that she is sexually attracted to women and I'm just not enough any more. Said she has always been attracted to women. (Isn't that nice) Everything just seems to slip downhill from there. From thinking she is gay to identifying herself as gay, but just to me. I am the one who has to keep her secret, bear the burden, and I'm not sure I want her to push the issue further. No friends to confide in, no one to reveal what I am going through. I guess that is why I first reached out to this network. Unfortunately there aren't any support groups near me either. So here I am finally registering so I can get something off my chest.
This is a second marriage for both of us, prior children to think of and another child between us who is just entering middle school and very vulnerable. I'm not sure where to turn. We continue to live together, she says she still loves me but does not want to be in a husband / wife relationship. Even still in the same bed and I'll be damned if I know why, appearances I guess. In my mind I am refusing to move out of my own bedroom. I'm at the point that she can take the basement if that is what she chooses.
She cooks dinner most evenings, packs a lunch for me, goes through some of the motions. Just not the ones that I need. There is no physical contact unless I initiate it and then it is a friendly hug. Not much communication. A couple of times we have tried to talk and it just becomes about what she doesn't want.
Thanks for listening to me out there in internet land. Seems like this is a dream and not reality anyways. A year and a half and I am still lost. I love her, care about her, just tired of rejection and doing this alone.
- phoenix
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Re: Finally registered, feeling awkward
Welcome wayne.
I'm glad you signed up. We have strength in numbers. The more people who sign up and share and reply to others, the more helpful we can be to everyone.
I'm sorry you are going through this. Your story has some very big similarities to my own. I know the pain you are going through.
Not that it brings much consolation to you, but at least she was finally honest with you before you caught her cheating on you. I can tell you personally that the betrayal from cheating hurts me more today than the lies and incomplete relationship.
The men on this site seem to share a very admirable trait. We all seemed to sit back and hope our gay wives would chose to stay with us. We were totally committed to our relationships and optimistic and hopeful that our spouses would somehow change back into the women we married so that our marriage could continue. While our commitment and care is admirable, it does harm us in a way.. We give all the power to the woman and it leaves us flapping in the wind. It robs us of our own control of our lives.
In that sprit, I do love that you've set some boundaries about your bedroom.. it's yours and you are not leaving. I would encourage you to expand your boundaries in other areas as well. She is not living up to her marriage vows and has been a fraud.. If someone is going to feel uncomfortable from changes in lifestyle it should be her and not you.
So I would challenge you to remember that you also have a decision to make. I'm not telling you to make a certain decision.. just telling you that you have an active role in decision making. You don't have to sit back and wait in purgatory while she has all the power and choice. If you decide you don't see a future in your marriage, then you are allowed to make that decision and pursue moving forward. If you decide that you want to keep your marriage at all costs.. then actively pursue that choice. One way or the other, I would just encourage you to make a decision. Being powerless and at the mercy of someone else to determine the future of your life is an awful situation to endure.
I have a middle-school kid as well. I can tell you from research and personal experience that younger is better when considering divorce impact on a kid. It doesn't get easier for them in high school or college.. maybe 20+ years from now when they have their own lives and family. The stress coming from outside their family only continues to increase as they age. I'm no expert of course.. just a personal opinion based on my reading and watching my own kids vs. other families kids that I know.
Let us know how we can help! Keep sharing.. it's really good for you!
-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular.
- Duped
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Re: Finally registered, feeling awkward
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Last edited by Duped (October 6, 2019 4:58 am)
- Laurence
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Re: Finally registered, feeling awkward
Sorry you are here and you’re certainly not alone.
I would echo what has been said and add that you have a choice. When I was in the middle of discovery etc I thought I was powerless and was obliged to wait and see. Start focusing on YOU and what you want.
Good luck !
- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Finally registered, feeling awkward
Wayne,
Like you, I spent a year and a half in my spouse's closet, with the exact same situation of a spouse who thought I was the perfect person to test out his theories of his new sexuality on, to talk him through his feelings, and to keep his secret and bear his burden, before I found this forum.
I believe the traits Phoenix talks about as those men feel are traits many of us, men and women, feel: committed and caring, and despite the shock of our spouses' revelations, we continue on in hope our spouses will "choose" us over their newly declared sexuality--until we realize the toll keeping secrets and bearing burdens takes on us, and see that our spouses are willing to benefit from our sacrifice while taking their time, enjoying their experimentation, and taking us for granted while shutting us out.
I'm sorry you're here, but this can be a place for you not only to get your feelings out and off your chest, but also to think out loud and learn from others' experience as you decide what to do and ask for support when you make decisions.
Asserting boundaries can help us take back our agency and our self-respect in a situation in which we've been playing defense, and your assessment of sleeping arrangements seems a good place to start. She's the one who's changed the terms of your marriage, and now wants a roommate relationship--not a marriage--but one in which otherwise platonic roommates sleep in the same bed! And expects you to be ok with this. Asking her to take the basement bedroom would be one way make it clear to her that her explorations have changed the terms of the marriage and that her decisions and actions have consequences. It would also demonstrate to her that she is not the only one who has decisions to make about your marriage. It's not just one person deciding she's a lesbian; it's also you, deciding what's acceptable to you. Because you have wanted her to pick you over this newly expressed sexuality, she has had you on the defensive; maybe it's time to push back a little.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (November 3, 2017 6:03 am)
- wayne
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Re: Finally registered, feeling awkward
Thank you all for your advice and support. I do find myself holding on, hoping that she will choose me. The statistics certainly don't seem to lean that way and maybe I, like many of you, am just fooling myself. I went through one divorce and never, ever expected that I would be going down this road again. I don't want a divorce. I just want my wife and family.
When did sexuality take precedence over everything else, morality, commitment, responsibility, sacrifice for one another..till death do us part. When did the choice to be gay become more important than the commitment we made to one another.
and I know that many of you may not agree, and perhaps this is not the right forum to discuss it but I do find this a choice. She didn't choose to be gay in her first marriage, she didn't choose to be gay when we met, dated, became intimate. Now she is choosing to be gay over having a marriage with me. We all have desires, passions, longings and I'm not saying that an attraction is by choice. But what we do with that attraction is a choice. That choice just isn't me anymore.
I have a lot to say, to get out there and it may take several tries. Many thanks
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Thread Starter- OutofHisCloset
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Re: Finally registered, feeling awkward
If I may say so, and I know from experience how this will sting: you want the wife and family you had (or thought you did); you don't have that wife and family any more. You also probably want the future you thought you were going to have, and that you even may feel you deserve, given how much you've put into your marriage. As so many of us have discovered, wanting what's no longer the case and hoping you can get it back can keep you stuck in an untenable situation, one that really can't be salvaged, for a very long time.
Last edited by OutofHisCloset (November 3, 2017 7:51 am)
- lily
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Re: Finally registered, feeling awkward
sorry Wayne but its a question of timing - why is she telling you now? The death of a parent, birth of a child or life-threatening illness are possible causes but the most likely one is that she is in a relationship. And as she is showing no signs of wanting to leave it is likely it is with another married woman.
- wayne
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Re: Finally registered, feeling awkward
OutofHisCloset wrote:
If I may say so, and I know from experience how this will sting: you want the wife and family you had (or thought you did); you don't have that wife and family any more. You also probably want the future you thought you were going to have, and that you even may feel you deserve, given how much you've put into your marriage. As so many of us have discovered, wanting what's no longer the case and hoping you can get it back can keep you stuck in an untenable situation, one that really can't be salvaged, for a very long time.
My mind hears and agrees and yet .....I am still stuck.
We had an argument last night about something small and I sent her a text this morning apologizing and asking for us to set aside time to talk. That should be later this evening after work and my daughter will be away with a friend. I have been typing away trying to put my words on to paper about what I am feeling, how my needs are not being met, how she is coming across as selfish. And it is not all about sex. What happened to affection, admiration, helping one another out, maybe I am juts holding on to something that is no more just like you said.
Thanks for the thoughts and words of wisdom.
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Thread Starter- wayne
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Re: Finally registered, feeling awkward
sorry Wayne but its a question of timing - why is she telling you now? The death of a parent, birth of a child or life-threatening illness are possible causes but the most likely one is that she is in a relationship. And as she is showing no signs of wanting to leave it is likely it is with another married woman.
I'm not sure about the timing. She went back to school about 4 years ago to complete her bachelor degree and then that got extended and she finished her Masters degree. I think she has been so in touch with a liberal world and this new world norm that anything goes that she decided to jump on the band wagon.
I guess I am just going to have to ask her about it, and why I don't know, I still hope she is not involved with someone.
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