Is it really the case, that "nobody's responding?" It's only been two days, right?

Perhaps because Kel's question, taken literally, is actually one with a factual answer, yet not one that everyone feels comfortable answering. Because it involves statistics. Not anything fancy; just simple; high-school or first-year college level. But few people are comfortable with using statistics.

Kel, your question "what are the odds?" should be answered in a couple of ways. Firstly, the odds are not particularly high that this would happen to both of you; on the other hand it isn't really an astounding rarity, that this would happen.

To calculate odds you multiply the chances of the component parts of the proposition. So let's look at yours. You both married

1) men that needed us to support them, and
2) who wound up being gay

The chances of the first condition, are approximately 100 percent. Men need women's support. I'm a strong, self-reliant, healthy male, successful in my field, socially, personally, etc, etc, etc. Yet my need for the caring, nurturing, supportive love of a good woman, is great, deep, profound. I think that about 95% of straight normal men fall into this same category. Not all will put it into these same words, or maybe even ever mention or think about it. But it is true.

I learned this from women, by the way - if you want references, just ask me.

So there is nothing remarkable, that you both married men who need support.

As for you both marrying men who "turned out gay", well, that is a little more complicated. The statistic I have read here and in other places most recently says that about 5% of people are gay (or "bi" which can fall into the same category for our purposes). So on the face of it, the chances of this happening to both you and your sister, would be 0.05 * 0.05 = 0.0025, or in other words, 1/4 of 1%. You might say, that's a vanishingly small chance. But this is not really the case.

The fact is that if you take enough married women (say 50 of them) and ask them how many are in similar situations (both married to gay guys, both married to alcoholics, both married to guys who X, Y, or Z), the chances are actually quite high, that many of the women will find that they share some "unusual" experience or situation.

I'll skip the math but if you want it, just ask me. I probably won't write up an answer but just refer you to authors more skilled than me at explaining this. But I will tell you this - it's really true (and mathematically prove-able) that the following is true: "It isn't that unusual, to have something very unusual happen to you." I know that sounds like a paradox but, it isn't. It's literally built into the fabric of the universe.

Why bother to say/write all of that? Because, Kel, I want to ease your mind and your heart, to (hopefully) lift a burden that does not and should not weigh down your heart. We live in a time when we have this idea of the power of psychology; that deep and dark forces in our personalities "attract" and create certain outcomes in our lives.

Kel, please don't take on any guilt or blame, don't take any responsibility for this situation. You nor your sister share some kind of character flaw or defect or weakness, that have gotten you into the situations you're in. My priest said last Sunday "If you want to make God laugh, tell him your plans." Or now that I look it up on WikiQuote:

• Der mentsh trakht un Got lakht. (Yiddish)
• Man plans and God laughs.
• English equivalent; Man proposes, God disposes.

Or last night I just finished watching the BBC 4-part series on Rome hosted by Mary Beard - she pointed out that the Romans were quite certain (it wasn't a matter of "faith" as we know it - they just knew that this was the way the world worked), that the gods messed around with the affairs (sorry about the pun) of people and that's just how things went.

The wisdom of the ancients is not to be derided just 'cause we live now and they lived then. Stuff happens and please, Kel, don't go thinking that this is somehow your fault. You just drew a bad hand. Take what good you can from it all, and move on.

Do your best, I wish good luck and good love to you and your sister both.
 

Kel, I read your OP but was away from town without my password and couldn't post.  I hate to see this happening to any Str8 man or woman and it pains me that your sister is going through the same thing.  Yes, I agree with James' analysis and I also agree with you about the family dynamic predisposing us to accept certain behaviors.  I have a sister who is probably gay married to a probably gay man.  Our entire family believes it to be a marriage of "gay convenience" but no one really cares one way or another. Did my XGIDH recognize this and feel comfortable with us?  

But it runs deeper than that.  My X is a bonafide Narcissist and so is my Sister.  She is bad to the bone and not in a good way just like my X. Okay, like a lot of things in my life I did not recognize this until it was all over, but I 100% believe that I was groomed from an early age to put up with a Narcissists bad behavior.  Unfortunately many N's are gay or have no boundaries period.  

If I can find a bright spot in your situation it is that I am glad that you can help your sister navigate TGT.  Who better than you Kel.  I hope you can help her get through the crazy.  

IF my sister's dh is gay, she is in a very similar situation to what I was in.  She is already over him and has decided to move on.  If she finds out after separating that he's gay, it'll just be another thing to add to the pile.  With my ex, TGT was what was causing our biggest (in my eyes) issue - a lack of intimacy.  I don't think that's my sister's biggest issue - it's that her dh is a narcissist who doesn't work, and focuses solely on his own pleasure.  He's not being a provider or protector, and his version of being a dad is taking his girls out to fantastic places rather than spending any real time with them on a basic level.  He does not interact with them, he entertains them.  My sister is just.... DONE.  Just like I was when I finally threw in the towel with my ex.  It's a long, painful process to get there (while in the relationship), but it's a great spot to be in when you finally separate.  It's not full of the regular heartache and loneliness that can be typical for the end of a relationship.  She'll just glad to be rid of the problems and not have another kid to watch and pay for.

Even if my sister's dh doesn't wind up to be gay, it does say something about both of us that we stuck out our relationships until they were SO dead that it was dragging a corpse around.  That's how far we'll go before we stop trying.  I think it's a good thing in many ways (shows commitment and dedication and tenacity), but also says that we're willing to sacrifice ourselves on the alter way too much.  I know I learned my lesson.

Kel

I used to work at the zoo when I was a teenager.  So I saw this scenario (momma monkey) play out several times in real life.  And Momma Monkey wasn't with the other monkeys in any interactive way.  She had essentially isolated herself to deal with her mourning.  And the other monkeys got the message - if they went over to her, they could sit in front of her, but she wasn't going to engage in her normal social behaviors.  She couldn't pick through their hair, looking for nits.  Her arms were full (keep in mind that even though a live newborn monkey would be work, it would cling to her, effectively freeing up her hands).  The weight of this dead little one doesn't distribute the same way as a live baby would - instead of being a centralized, compact weight, with the legs clinging to her and just feeling the weight of the baby's trunk, the floppy baby is all over - she can't control it, and it's.... messy.  She can't tuck a leg without an arm popping out.  It's much harder to carry this way and hinders her.  All the other animals get the picture - she won't interact - leave her alone.  She has no monkey consoling her, or even taking the baby to hold it so her arms can get a break.  IF they come over, they see the dead baby, attempt to pick its head up, and confirm that it's really dead.  Then they leave again.  Yep - nothing's changed over there; the thing is still dead and she's not putting it down.  She can't interact with us.  We'll move on until she can re-engage.  They don't try to PULL her back to re-engaging.  It'll happen on its own, in its own time.  The weight of the baby forces that, eventually.

Kel

I wonder if it isn't that the numbers are much higher than 5%.

I have two brothers.  I am pretty convinced one of them is married to a closet lesbian.  And the other one is married to a woman whose mother came out as a lesbian in later life.

I think there's more closet gay than we can poke a stick at.  We had a narcissist father.  nice mum.

maybe a correlation between closet gay and narcissist is they are both hiding the truth of themselves.