Elloxoh - I think you've hit the nail on the head.  If the marriage isn't working the way it is and you feel that it has no realistic hope of changing, then it's time to decide if you choose to stay unhappy.  Because that's what it is, in the end.  It's deciding if you're okay with being this unhappy, and accepting it.  For some, that's the choice they'll make.  And that's fine - it's their choice.  But I feel like we never really, truly make that choice - we choose to stay because we still have hope that a change can happen.  It's when you're at the crossroads of "I'm not okay with this, and I no longer believe it's going to change" that the inner conflict comes to a head.  For some, they leave because they've lost trust, and they can't see it being repaired.  Again, no hope of changing that thing that's making you unhappy

Kel

Hi Scrupulous,

That was me that wrote the paragraphs you posted.  I'm glad something I said so long ago is able to help someone .  You also hit on a very important point as well:  "They manipulate and train us into thinking we owe it to them to believe or accept the lies and work it out."  Wow.  yes!   To this day even with a divorce being final five years ago and our issues starting more than 10 years ago, my ex will still try to giggle and tease and say it's all my fault for not accepting him as he was or that I could have tried to understand more.  To which I usually reply: what a load of horse shit.  Then I change the subject or end the text or call.  We don't have a ton of contact, sometimes more for certain reasons, mutual friends, etc., and sometimes none at all for months or a year at a time.  But I've found the best way to deal with the situation where he is still (10+ years later) trying to manipulate me back into his circle of weirdness and thinks he can have me question my decision to leave, is to just call it as I see it, which is 100% horse shit, and walk away.

Brassy and Ellex - you'll find your way.  It won't come overnight but you'll see that you're slowly going to find your way.  And, it does or doesn't have to involve this person.  If you want to hang around the person they've become then that's up to you.  An adult decision is just that - an adult decision.  It's yours to make and it's ok if it takes you a while.  You'll know when you're ready to move on.  Don't be hard on yourself for finding it difficult to move on.  We've all been there and done it.  But distance makes it better.  Disconnecting makes it better.  Go back to things you liked to do or explore new things you might like. 

Brassy, I know it's harder when you're older.  I'm so sorry you're in this position.  But to offer you some hope, a lot of the clients I work with are between 65 and 80.  I have seen so many of them find love and get married!!  We had one whose spouse passed away.  A couple of years later she decided to move to a retirement community and within a year she had found a partner.  6 months later they were married and have been going around town in their matching outfits for the last three years!  It might be the cutest thing I've ever seen.  I know it's not the life you envisioned.  It's normal to hate what has happened and to mourn the life you lost  It's perfectly normal to not want to give up on that.  When you're ready, things will fall in to place.  But it will take a little stepping outside the box on your part.  That was the hard part for me.  I didn't want to step outside any box.  I wanted to sit in my house and be pissed.  I let myself have the right to do that.  Then after a year or so I pushed myself to get on a dating site.  Best decision ever.  It forced me into a completely new life with new people.  The past slipped more in to the past than it already was.  You're not ready yet.  But one day....
 

Yeah, I’m finally done. Finally pulled my head out of my ass, can’t fix him with my love or understanding or twisting myself into a pretzel 🥨. Guess TGT makes for some pretty narcissistic behavior and it will continue this way forever, no matter what he promises. He has gone back on every promise he’s ever made, and always will.

Ellexoh,

Sorry I haven't responded in so long; I was out for a bit following some surgery.  Just now getting back to the board.

You said that you are just so afraid - of stepping out of your comfort zone, of having to rely on people, of living with others, of not having any financial back-up, being looked down on because you don't work, have no qualifications....no assets....everything I have was yours together.  I very much get that.  Honestly, it's the fear that keeps us so firmly planted in one place - even if we're afraid to stay in that place, too.

My advice is to take each one of those fears and figure out what the worst is that can happen in each scenario.  Let's take the first one - of stepping out of your comfort zone.  Okay,.... what's the worst (realistic) thing that is likely in that scenario in your situation?  If you feel uncomfortable, what's that going to produce?  Some stress?  I'm not trying to downplay it.  I'm just saying..... what if you feel uncomfortable?  It'll pass, right?  So is it terrible to feel stressed and confused and unsure sometimes?  Maybe.  But maybe not enough for it to be worth staying.  The anxiety will pass.  What's the BEST that can happen if you step out of your comfort zone?  You learn something new, or discover a new strength, or breeze right through the thing without so much as one anxious day.  The good looks pretty good.  The awful isn't really all that bad.

Let's take the next one.  You're scared of having to rely on other people.  Why?  Do you think that makes you weak?  DOES it?  Do you think that others that rely upon people are weak?  Now let's look at the bad.  If you rely on other people, and they fall through, then aren't you in the exact.same.scenario that you're already in?  How's that worse?  And what if you rely on other people, and you make lifelong, strong friendships out of them, and they are your saving grace and you'd never want to without them again?

Not having financial backup is a big one.  Because without that net, we imagine the worst-case scenario. But.... is that realistic?  If you wound up not having enough to pay your bills with, what would happen to you?  Would you wind up in the gutter?  Or would you wind up with a family member (not ideal, but NOT the gutter)?  What's the worst that can happen in this scenario - that you have to cut back for a while on anything but necessities?  That you let someone you love help you out for a while?  And the best that can happen - what if your finances don't offer tons of backup, but you don't actually wind up suffering?  What if you had enough to pay for everything every time the bills came due?

Now the one where you're afraid to be looked down on.  By WHO, exactly?  Your friends?  Your family?  Strangers?  Strangers can go suck it - you don't need to give a rat's ass about what they thing.  Who are THEY to you?  Nobody.  Friends?  Would a true friend do that?  Would you do that to a true friend?  If a friend DID do it, do they deserve you any longer as a friend?  And what if NO ONE looks down on you, and you just fear they might?  What if they instead helped you, encouraged you, and were your cheerleaders, bolstering you and never tearing you down?  It CAN happen.  It's just as likely as the opposite scenario.

For me, I had to look at the down side of STAYING.  I was complacent for many years - afraid of all the answers to the questions that seemed so scary.  Money was likely the biggest fear.  We already had issues meeting the bills - how could we do it alone?  So I took it to the 9th degree.  What's the WORST that could wind up happening?  I wasn't going to be in a gutter.  I have plenty of family who might not love us living with them, and vice versa.  But my kids and I wouldn't be sleeping in the car anytime soon.  The next most realistic poor outcome was needing to move to a smaller place.  Okay, we wouldn't die if we needed to do that.  We could exist in a 2-bedroom if we absolutely had to.  It wasn't idea, but it wasn't going to KILL US, either.

My fears were financial, the kids being hurt, and me never finding love again.  I did find love again - very soon.  And therefore my financial issues never came to pass.  And my home wouldn't have been nearly the happy place it is if my current dh hadn't entered the picture.  Literally NONE of my fears came true.  Consider the possibility that that scenario can happen, too.  I never would have believed it ahead of time, but I stepped out onto the invisible ledge anyway.  Because I realized that the downside of staying was feeling dead inside for another 25 years. Resentful, angry, lonely, frustrated and unloved.  THAT turned out to be a bigger fear than the alternative fears - which never came true anyway.

Kel

First Kel,
I am glad you are back and I hope your surgery went well and you are healing up well.
Elexoh,
Don’t worry what others will think.  You do what you need to do and make the decisions you can deal with in your own time.