Hi Tom,

I'm sorry you're going through this.  But this is a definitely a place you can benefit from.  We have several others with stories just like you on the board.  Feel free to come here and pour out your feelings any time.

A few things stand out to me in your post.  The one is "For the past year my wife has been cultivating a relationship with a woman", and then "telling me that there are things we could work on in our marriage".  Her doing both of those things simultaneously is unfair to you.  I can't imagine that you'd think that cultivating a relationship outside of your marriage with another woman and then simultaneously telling your wife to work on the marriage would be well received.  It's like having her cake and eating it, too.  She is doing this because if she shows you that she has elsewhere to go and then insinuates that you could work on the relationship you have with her, it's a threat.  It's like insinuating that if things in your marriage aren't up to her standards, she has a backup plan.  I suppose many people do this in order to give them leverage in their relationships.  But it works on two assumptions: 1) that if the marriage were fixed, it would be as good or better than the competition, and 2) that the partner who's being cheated on (for lack of a better word) is desperate to keep their partner.  Because if they weren't, then admitting to cultivating the other relationship would equal the breakup of the marriage.  So she's counting on you upping your game because the threat of competition is there.  That's not supposed to be a factor in a committed marriage.

Then what?  Say you take the bait and try to "fix" everything that she wants changed in the marriage.  If you slip up, is she back out there, shopping for a threat again?  Or maybe you spin yourself crazy trying to fix everything, only to have her leave in the end for the other person anyway.  Then she can conveniently blame you for not fixing things well enough to keep her.  She's putting YOU on the defensive when it's her who should be accounting for her actions.

I'm not understanding why she's getting upset when you two talk about the connection between you.  Do you have any understanding about what she's upset about there?  Have you asked her why she's getting upset whenever that topic comes up?

You're right - you can't make up her mind for her.  And you shouldn't be asked to.  YOU are not the person who is confused about what you want - she is.  It's like asking you to constantly reassure her of your love and desire for her. That never waned (I'm assuming), so why do you need to throw your love at her for her to make a decision?  It's like pulling you along on a string to then toss you back out to sea every time she knows you're close enough to swim yourself to shore.

The only thing I can give you advice on is to take time to figure out what you want in your current situation.  It feels from here like you're sitting still, waiting patiently for her to decide if she's going to walk toward you or not.  Like you need to stay in one space so she knows where you are so she can come back to you if that's what she decides.  But she is not the ONLY person in the relationship capable of making decisions on the future of the marriage.  You are allowed to be hurt and angry for putting you in this position.  You are allowed to be upset that she's cultivating a relationship with someone who she has feelings toward while still telling you that she wants things changed in your relationship.  You are allowed to tell her that now that you understand what she's been doing, you're not sure you want to be with HER.  Then watch her reaction.  If she does anything short of cut off the other relationship and try to fix things with the two of you, she's not really serious about fixing the marriage.  She's just trying to get you to jump through hoops so that she can watch you dance on firecrackers while she stands off to the side, clapping at the entertainment.

Best of luck.  I know this is hard.

Kel

Hi TOMPETTY,
 My ex-wife joined a company bowling team. She told me that there was a lesbian woman there and was afraid this woman would 'cling' to her. That was in January of 2010, the month of our 27th anniversary. We were divorced by the following November. I thought we were still great then. Now her and the 'clingy' woman are married to each other and live on the other side of the country from me.
 All of this can be a huge shock to the system. I will never be 'over it' but I have learned to live with it and move on. It may work out for you but better to be prepared and start doing some things to protect yourself. Mentally and financially. 

Be well,
 Clif