The pain of it is unbearable.I can't see a time when it won't hurt this much

Kel wrote:

It will get to the place you think it will never get to.  The shitty part is when you're in hell, the only way out is to keep walking through more hell.  Kel

 

Just read your post Kel
 
 

Last edited by Ellexoh (October 25, 2017 1:15 pm)

It's like a death in many ways.  You feel like a day will never go by that you don't mourn about what's happened.  But it will.  I rarely every think of my ex now, or what I went through.  And when I do, it doesn't bother me anymore - it's a scar now, not an active wound any longer.  And just like any scar, I can describe where it came from without feeling any of the pain associated with the experience that gave it to me.

Death sometimes softens how we see the dead person's qualities.  We tend to reminisce about things that used to annoy us about them.  But this isn't like that - this is the opposite.  I can rarely remember something good from my time with my ex because it's all tainted now with the knowledge that he was lying to me then.  I see every one of his good traits through that lens.  If he's great to the kids and takes them and buys them some clothes, I automatically think, "He's trying to look like the nice guy".  Because he's a professional about how to hide his true personality.  But I try to auto-correct when those thoughts cross my mind now.  "It doesn't matter WHY he bought them clothes - they needed some, they're happy with the new items, and it's something crossed off my list."

It will get to the place you think it will never get to.  The shitty part is when you're in hell, the only way out is to keep walking through more hell.  The only advice I can give is to treat yourself the way you'd advise your best friend to treat themselves in the same situation.  You'd tell them to give themselves a break when it comes to feeling shame over what happened.  That it wasn't their fault.  You'd try to get them back out there so that they can enjoy things that make them happy.  You'd tell them all about how wonderful they are, and how strong they are, and that they can make this.  And you hold their hand while they walk.  Find someone to hold your hand if you can.  A good friend, a trusted relative, etc.  This is NOT your entire life - this is a chapter - or a few.  It's not the new title of the book.  The book is still about you.  And there are other chapters yet to be written.  Even a happy ending, if you believe that and open yourself to embracing a different reality than you originally intended.

Kel
 

Chris wrote:

After 17 years together, my fiancé told me he was gay. This was almost a year ago. It still hurts, I feel broken. Shattered. Still. I have no self esteem. I feel stupid and unworthy. He wanted an open relationship, that would not work for me. I am trying to be there for him, but it is difficult because I am still in love with him. It hurts when I think of him seeing other people. I have many gay friends, but it is hard to now consider him one of my “gay friends”. He doesn’t understand why I am having trouble staying friends. Do I need to disconnect with him in order to heal?

Hi Chris - please let me direct your attention to this post by Kel, I think it might be relevant to you - http://straightspouse.boardhost.com/viewtopic.php?pid=10474#p10474
 

HI Chris,

Detachment really is the only way to go.  I think that's true for any romantic relationship that's ending.  But it's even moreso for a romantic relationship where the other person has treated you poorly.  It's sending the message that they're more important than you are.  And it's not THEM getting that message that's a big deal - it's you reinforcing that message to your own soul.  When you can say, "I won't tolerate being treated poorly and seeing the other person as a friend.", then you can get somewhere.  Not only will you begin to feel better about who you are and what you're worth, but you're also deciding to follow some standards vs. just bobbing along after your feelings.  So many times I think we're just bobbing along in the ocean, expecting to eventually flop back onto the shore eventually.  It would be SO much quicker if we just looked for land and swam in that direction.  And that's what deciding to go no contact is doing.  It's deciding to work a plan vs. waiting for a plan to break out spontaneously.

You can tell him you're going no-contact, if you like.  But if you do that, it's not up for discussion.  You're not having a conversation about having no further conversations.  You're stating what's going to happen.  So if you tell him, it might be easiest in a text or email, and it should be short and sweet.  "I've decided that I need to do this on my own.  I've also decided to go no contact.  I wish you the best."  Boom - done.  He can write you back all he wants, but you're declared your intentions and it should be like he's writing to a brick wall - he'll get no response.  If his response is anything but "I wish you the best", then he's maintaining contact for selfish reasons.  If he truly loves you, he'll set you free so that you can find health, healing and happiness.  Because he knows he can't offer that to you.

It's not easy, but it gets easier every day with no contact.  And it doesn't take long before you feel like you can make all your decisions about you - which is how it should be when you're single.  You can decide to sell all your posessions and sail the world without any guilt or grief because you answer to only you.

Kel