trusty wrote:

The more I read old posts, the more I see that it's more common than I thought for the straight spouse to be told/asked not to explain this to the kids.

And the other big thing I'm dealing with right now, being blamed and shunned by in-laws, is apparently something pretty common too. TGT didn't blind-side me as much as having those people shut me out and tell me to comply with my marginally-competent spouse's divorce demands.

I would say stand up for what is right and fair. Your obligation is only to your kids. To hell with what the in-laws think is right. Leave that to the courts. I have seen more than one person here report that their in-laws sided with blood relatives. You lived it, they didn't. Also they may also be getting a one-sided story. Sadly there is little you can do about that if they are unwilling to have a discussion. If you can keep a relationship going with them, that is great but do not expect it.

As for the kids, the adult thing would be to give them an age-appropriate explanation together. They need to know what is probably going to happen so that they are mentally prepared. That it's not their fault and that they still have two parents who love them. Agree on the explanation in advance. Do not let your spouse tell them without you present. I recall someone here who told their spouse that either they do it together or it was going to happen anyway. Not sure if that is an option here but worth considering.
 

I suppose what I just wrote could work the other way around, too, i.e. the children could side with their blood relative, the straight spouse, but I that does not always happen.  If the blood side of the gay spouse makes more noise and forcefully defends the gay spouse, and denigrates the straight spouse, the children are going to be swayed I think, to the side that seems the strongest or most forceful in their advocacy whether it is "right" or not.

I am not so worried about the kids being forced to take sides. That's what made things so bad when my own parents divorced. And that's not really whats happening (not right now anyway). At the moment I'm just extremely disappointed that my in-laws, who only seem to want one side of the story, are so eager to break my family apart. They are doing everyone involved a disservice. But what can you do.... I understand completely that they must take her side; I don't expect anything less from them- I am just trying to process everything, and it's all happening so fast right now. 

Nobody is saying anything against me, either to my face or to the kids. My behavior is not in question. I'm just being told by the in-laws that they are sorry if I am hurt, but that I should just give up and agree to separate, which supposedly will make everything better. 

Last edited by trusty (October 22, 2017 2:32 pm)

Trusty,
I think in-laws are caught in this like we are.. They will never know how much their child hurt us.. never comprehend.    I miss mine.. I drop the kids with them whenever they want..   They would be wise to 
be kind to you... as the kids mother you have more say in  them seeing the kids or not ...

My minority opinion. now...   my kids are doing well.
As for the kids..they just want a mom and dad.   they dont care about nor can they really help with your problems...that is ok though...    its true that they  will never know how much  we were hurt... but its may not help them to know the reason that we have to separate . I mean we have a hard time processing TGT..it may not help the kids to have that added to their worries also.    What we can do the for the kids is be the most consistent and reliable parent they know...the parent they know and love.  

It comes down to how trustworthy your spouse's words are considered by the people he/she is speaking them to. My sister's husband tried SO hard to manage his image that people eventually figured it out.  He was always posting the #Blessed thing on FB about his beautiful daughters, and posted pics with them when they were out having fun at some organized event, but no one in his real life ever saw him parenting.  He posted tons of pics of his body as it morphed with his body-building.  But no one ever saw him holding down a damned job.  I think he had a lot of people fooled for a long time, and then it just became so blatant that it was pathetic.  My sister, by contrast, stays almost completely off of social media, and was always just quietly parenting the kids.  People saw through the facade eventually.  And when they broke up, lots of his friends came out of the woodwork to support my sister - because they felt like THEY'd been duped, too.  I'm sure he tried to speak negatively about her at some point, but no one (including his family) was having it.  So he had to go make all new friends with his newly single, partying lifestyle. All much younger and less wise.

You can only speak the truth, and let people decide for themselves.  They may want details, but you aren't obligated to share them unless you feel like it.  It's sometimes enough to tell people that was actively deceiving you and your children on a daily basis about who he was and what the basis of his relationship with you was about.  You can say that he lied, cheated, and stole years from you.  I've often told people, "I wasn't blameless when it came to issues within our marriage.  But most of the critical issues stemmed from one fatal flaw that should have never been hidden from me in the first place.  And there was just no rectifying it."  After you say something like that (and if they believe you), it will matter little what your ex says to them afterward.  They will see everything through that filter.  If he says you were cold and distant, they will think, "Well SURE she was - he was actively deceiving her!".

Yes, people will often side with their blood relative.  Partly because they have so much in common when it comes to personality and beliefs - they've helped form each other, so they think more alike than most non relatives ever would.  Sometimes people just align themselves because they think they're expected to.  Maybe someone else in their lives gave them an ultimatum in the past where they had to choose between people, and they think it's normal/expected behavior now.  Or maybe disliking what a relative does feels like they're not loving them unconditionally.  Or maybe admitting their child sucks makes them feel like they must have done something wrong in raising this turd.  So they choose instead to see their relative with rose-colored glasses.  You know those parents when their kids are young who will go stomping over to the school at the mere mention that the teacher isn't being fair?  Yeah - that doesn't go away.  Their kids grow up but they still see the child as an extension of themselves, and they will never admit their kid might be at fault.  There is literally nothing you can do to change that.

I've never understood gay parents not wanting to come out to their children.  I mean, if being gay is cool, and not "wrong", then why do you need to hide it?  If it's truly just an alternate lifestyle, then ACT like that's what it is, ya know?  It's sending a mixed message when you leave so you can live authentically, but then don't live authentically to those closest to you.  That's just hypocritical and frankly, selfish.

Kel
 

Last edited by Kel (October 25, 2017 10:20 am)