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- lily
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Re: New and feeling alone.
Yes exactly. The thing about same sex attraction is that it produces a visceral reaction in the heterosexual spouse even when they have no idea why - I remember back in my 30's recognising I was always feeling slightly anxious and wondering about it.
Greyhound gal says in her post that she thought they had a good sex life but now she knows he's attracted to men she doesn't want to sleep with him anymore. yes exactly. That's a normal response. Finally the visceral reaction gets to the light of day.
Whether a man identifies as gay or bisexual doesn't mount to a whole hill of beans for the straight spouse because we need someone the same as we are - who can also commit 100% because they too are 100% attracted.
Difflurker used to compare the attraction he felt towards women as a weak flashlight compared to the light of the sun for men.
I know what it is like when you fall head over heels in love - ah finally, that feels right.
It seems to me a lot of the time that when it is the non-straight spouse wanting to end the marriage the timing of it is because finally they have met someone of the same sex and fallen in love and it is the light of the sun.
No wonder we feel duped and betrayed.
I remember reading something where the person was saying that what you are feeling is often a better indicator of what is happening than what you are thinking - yes, my experience corroborates that. I found that a very useful observation. It's like if you've got the bruises then that's where you were hit.
Last edited by lily (October 18, 2017 2:09 pm)
- greyhound gal
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Re: New and feeling alone.
Duped wrote:
I never quite understand the, almost relief, that they’re bi not gay. Bi just means they are sexually attracted to both, now how is that any less destructive in a monogamous marriage where the partner is clearly acting out gay needs than being labelled plain gay? If someone is bi but happy, content, honest, monogamous and not seeking satisfaction of their alternative sexuality elsewhere (including online), then great, carry on. Anything less than that and it doesn’t matter whether they’re bi or gay.
This is the real problem for me. To clarify, (and I'm sorry for missing it out of my original post) I knew he was bi when we married. I have also had same sex experiences as a teenager. BUT- Since I married I have had no inclination to watch or explore that side of me. I made a choice to be married etc and be faithful.
What does this continued need/compulsion to watch gay porn mean? It feels wrong to me. Mt gut tells me there is more to come. And how do I know he wont do it for real in the future?
It feels like infidelity to me-is that nuts?
- •
Thread Starter- greyhound gal
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Re: New and feeling alone.
Sorry, another post but I am really struggling today.
I am tired of hearing-
I'm sorry
I know I've hurt you
I feel awful
You know I love you
BUT- what is he doing about it? Nothing has changed. He still watches porn and wont stop.
Added to which (more I forgot to tell you. Sorry my brain in mush) he has formed a close friendship with a previous colleague who has recently come out and left his wife. ( I can see you all waving your red flags)
The friend is having big work/stress issues and is at a very low point.
BUT- is it wrong to want to shout-"What about me?!"
I have spent my life putting him, his job, our kids and his health first. And here am I yet again putting him first while he has counselling and figures out what is gong on.
Aargh.
- •
Thread Starter- lily
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Re: New and feeling alone.
okay that does put a different perspective on it.
When you talk about the 'close friend' it's not that red flags are waving, the porn is a red flag waving, it seems likely to me this is a romantic relationship and as the 'close friend' has left his wife then the chances of him doing the same are high - he already has a new life to move on to.
You might have no choice in this. It might be necessary for you to get ready for the settlement negotiations because that's what's coming your way.
It might also be a good idea to explore 'that side' of you, and anyway you need the support - perhaps a solid step on all fronts would be to tell him it's your turn to have some counselling, his will have to wait for a while. (find your own counsellor of course) but get ready - it is likely he won't want to do that. Of course you need to put yourself first now. there's nothing wrong with putting others first - your turn now.