Welcome trusty.   I'm glad you signed up. 

I can't speak to what my ex has done since our divorce, but I don't think she has come out of the closet.  She did in fact cheat on me, but would never have told me or admitted it.. I caught her.  She told people that the divorce was because we had grown apart, because I was "controlling", etc..  To the best of my knowledge she still hasn't come out.  

I don't know your ex, but my guess is that she is having a crisis of conscience.  She still isn't ready to come out of the closet and tell the world that she is lesbian.  But she has at least come to accept that of herself.  She is looking to satisfy her sexual desires, but doesn't want to cheat.  Or perhaps she is looking for a long term partner and thinks she has to be single to do that.  Or... what i think is most likely because it's what my ex tried.. .she is already cheating and already in love with someone, but doesn't want to get caught. 

sorry.. it's late and I'm probably a bit incoherent..   To answer your question more directly:
It is not rare or unheard of for a marriage to end due to TGT, but have the LGBT party want to remain in the closet.  I have no idea what the stats would be.. But I think it's fairly common. 


The question is.. what are you going to do about it?
What can we do to help and support you? 

Trusty,

Yes my gay ex was like that..gay affair, does not want the marriage anymore, I must leave...(the kids and all you own is mine).

Do not leave your home.  I repeat do not leave your home unless she becomes physically abusive.
She will use the fact that you left as a reason she needs full custody.  Do not leave the home without a legal parenting arrangement in place..else she may/will keep you from your kids.

There are advantages to staying and one is that you will see your kids.  The other is financially you don't have to pay for 2 places.
Downside is the stress of living with someone that now loathes you and sees you as blocking her from her new gay life.  They can become abusive...and hurtful. . (See any post of mine for details)

Gather strength, gather your financial info and get a lawyer.
She cannot make you leave the home unless she is the sole owner.  She cannot take your kids away from you.  Do not fall into her false reality and sense of entitlement.  You did nothing wrong..do not feel you need to solve all the problems that she created. 


These gay spouses confound me...they don't want us anymore ..fine...yet they want us to still solve their problems..ie. where will they live and who will pay for things.  If they do not want us they are not entitled to our problem solving and resources.
The kids are...but a gay cheating spouse..no.  I'm sorry but they have forfeited this entitlement in their decision that they no longer want us.  The fact she feels it's morally ok to take the kids away from you should shake any insane loyalty you have toward her...it's an inhumane thing...one needs to act strongly against this.

Yep..   DO NOT LEAVE YOUR HOUSE!

None of us are lawyers (to my knowledge), but I was told this by an attorney and have heard it countless times.  If you move out, she can claim abandonment and it will greatly help her case to get full custody.  Don't do it.   It's your house, you have legal right to be there.. don't move out. 

Her mental health issues (being documented and in treatment) will give you an advantage.  Don't give away that advantage.  If you feel the kids best interest is spending a majority of time with you, stick to your guns and fight for it.  

A mistake I made was assuming that the courts would give the mom favorable treatment in a custudy battle.  I assumed (because I wasn't thinking clearly at a time of shock) that I would be relegated to every other weekend status no matter what i wanted.  So I started from a disadvantage in negotiations.  What I should have done was stake an early claim to majority custody and make her try to fight back from that point.  We settled at 50/50 and I thought that was a win.  Now I wish i would have pushed for more time.  

As said above..  go see a lawyer.  You can visit many of them in fact.  Most give free or low cost initial consultations.  You don't have to hire one, but you can get an excellent education in the process and if you do wind up needing one later you will have already established a relationship and will likely have a favorite so you'll be up and running immediately.  One of the best questions you can ask is  what NOT to do.  What mistakes to avoid.  Leaving the house would be the most common answer for what not to do. 

 

Some bits from my story that you might find interesting. 

My ex wouldn't allow me to tell the kids why we were getting a divorce.  I refused to lie to them, but she refused to tell the truth.. it was a bit of a stalemate.  She wanted them to just think we had grown apart over the years and didn't love each other the same way.  She figured they would understand it later in life and just come to accept it.  She is a coward. 

I was also a coward during those initial days.  We had agreed to a civil divorce without attorneys and our financial solvency was somewhat dependent upon that.  A lot of our assets were theoretical because they were tied up in property.  The courts would have likely forced the sale of those properties and the commissions and costs paid to do so would have eliminated a lot of the value.  So I wanted very much to keep the peace and keep either of us from "lawyering up".   So I agreed not to tell the boys the truth despite their constant questions.  They were 10 and 7 at the time.  It was HELL..  I hated ducking the questions.  I feel like they came to me because they sensed that I would be honest with them.. but every time I said "you'll have to ask your mom" or "you'll understand later" it was a dagger in my back. I felt awful about it.  I was having my family torn apart without having done anything wrong and having no choice or options in the matter.... and on top of all that I wasn't even allowed to tell the truth as to why it was happening.  In a world where people tend to assume misconduct by the male I felt the stares of finger pointing at me all the time...and I wasn't able to defend myself.  It was hell. 

I stayed in that hell until the court proceedings were complete and the divorce was final.  I had been telling her for months to be honest with the kids, but after the divorce was final I no longer felt like I had to hide the secret.  So i told my boys.  I did so in an appropriate but factual matter.  I told them that their mother had pretended to be someone she was not and now she wanted to change. She had fallen in love with her friend and she had betrayed my love.  She wanted to leave me to be with this other person.  I told them that none of this was my choice.  I wanted to keep my marriage and I still loved her the way I always had, but that I couldn't do anything to stop her from making this decision.  

She of course was extremely angry.  She thinks I did it to hurt her or get revenge.  She hates me for it. 
I don't care because she no longer has a valid voice in my life.  She is a fraud, a person of the lowest morals and her opinions or thoughts carry zero validity. 

I never told her family.  I never told anyone in a malicious fashion.  So i didn't "out her".  but she thinks I did and blames me.. so I think she hates me..  but we don't communicate and I don't care about what she thinks of me. 

What I care about is my relationship with my sons.  They are doing great.  They love me and we have a much stronger bond today than we ever did before.  They know they can always trust me to tell the truth and because of that they confide in me things that they would never tell their mother.  They are too young to have a say in where they live, but I am confident that at some point in the future they will desire to spend more time with me and that will be best for them. 


My advice for you is this: When you are sure that your wife wants to divorce you, you need to start considering her impact on your life differently.  As her husband you consider your actions based on the concept that she is a permanent part of your life.  It's hard not to think that way.  Love doesn't die quickly.. it takes a long time.  If you start thinking of her as temporary  you start to prioritize your decision making in a better way.  Don't worry about making her angry because a year from now you won't care in the least bit if she's angry with you.  Start worrying about what is permanent.. Your relationship with your children!  Start laying the groundwork for how you want your kids to remember you.  Show them honesty.  Show them respect toward them and toward their mother.  Don't let them see you act with anger toward her.. if you need to have an argument do it when they are not around. 

Your kids will be great.  The younger they are, the easier the divorce process is.  What they care about first is what will happen to them and how their own relationship with each parent will be going forward.  They won't really care about how you and their mom get along.  As long as you keep them out of the middle of things and keep your relationship with them solid they will thrive.  When it comes time to tell them about the divorce, make sure you say many times that is not there fault.  There is nothing they could do to cause the divorce and there is nothing they could do to prevent it.  Take that stress away by stating it clearly and often.  Next, tell them that they will be safe and sound no matter what.  They will always have a home and their bed and their toys.  Let them know that their safety is never in question.   Tell them their relationship with each parent will remain the same and be strong and loving, even if they spend time with their two parents separately.. in two homes instead of one.  They will be just fine!    

 

The more I read old posts, the more I see that it's more common than I thought for the straight spouse to be told/asked not to explain this to the kids.

And the other big thing I'm dealing with right now, being blamed and shunned by in-laws, is apparently something pretty common too. TGT didn't blind-side me as much as having those people shut me out and tell me to comply with my spouse's divorce demands.

Last edited by trusty (October 26, 2017 11:19 am)