Hi all, I haven't been commenting here lately but how could I resist this topic.  

It's been my experience that this is not a supportive environment for MOM's or for LGBTQ in general, it's tolerated on some level here but mostly discouraged.  Kind of a 'if you're in a MOM or gay go to another forum' sort of attitude and clearly that is others' experience or we wouldn't be having this thread topic!  I recall about a year ago a woman coming here to seek help on how to tell her husband she's a lesbian (never cheated) in the kindest way she could and the comments were mean.  I still remember that because she reached out for help and was vilified and I felt terrible for her. 
 
My personal experience here is that I am a misfit of sorts, I do and I don't belong on MMOMW or Alternate Path forums because of the situation I'm in, but I don't find real support here either but I still check in here from time to time out of curiosity.  I'm 1.5 yrs post discovery and despite overwhelming evidence my partner claims to be straight despite other actions (no infidelity that I am aware of).  

Being a member of MMOMW and AP I can tell you there are people over there that are extremely happy in their relationships I think it's due to the open communication they have.  It's not because they are all trapped due to age or finances.  

This is a good first stop upon that shocking discovery but I wish it was more inclusive.  I don't expect people to 'blow smoke up my a#$' but resist the urge to comment if you're comment isn't insightful or helpful in anyway.

Vicky

I don't think it's that this board doesn't want to be supportive to people who choose to stay in their M.O.M. - but I do think that the current mix of individuals here don't think it's the best course of action for most, and so they naturally can't really offer too much support in that area.  So the person who wants encouragement to be in a M.O.M. doesn't get the type of encouragement they want and need.  Which is why it's often suggested that they might be better supported on a M.O.M. site - because it's likely to better meet their needs.  I think that's the entirety of the "problem" here.  It's just a mis-match in what our typical poster thinks/offers advice on vs. the type of support that a MOM poster needs.  That's.IT.

I'm not even sure it can be fixed without getting some more people in M.O.M.s here.  I'm not opposed to that.  We can be attempt to be more supportive by being more kind and gentle, and by accepting that others will have a different view of marriage than we do.  I think there's some here that feel somewhat neutral about MOMs - like,.... maybe it could work, but it didn't work for me.  Or I didn't want that.  There are also others here who feel that a MOM doesn't align with what they view true marriage as.  And if that's their view, then there likely can't be much authentic support going on of the actual MOM - even if we're attempting to support the poster themselves.  It's just kind of the nature of the beast.

Kel

Abby wrote:

What I think those of us who have been around for awhile are trying to do is encourage those who find themselves in this situation to think of their own needs in the relationship and take some time alone in order to think clearly. I think that we generally agree with the LGBTQ community that sexual orientation is not a choice so we do discourage visitors from thinking that there is a program or group that will "make it go away."
.

I'm sure that to actually be able to pull off a "successful" MOM the straight partner must accept that the LGBT partner is not going to change orientation/identity. They must have open communication and agree on what is acceptable and unacceptable behavior. And they must have a relationship that can transcend the MO part. Not easy. I freely admit my ex and I did not, her coming out was more like the last straw. 

It is not always smooth sailing and sometimes they need to vent or ask advice. Sometimes they need to hear from people who have been able to maintain a MOM. I know there are few here, in part because they tend to get discouraged. I would ask the members of this board to be understanding, If you don't have something helpful to say, refrain from posting on topics about this issue. 
 

I've found a missed bit of what I wanted to post, so here it is:
I've come and gone here, I see, from my posts. On all the sites that I've found, bar two, there have been some rather insensitive posts: 'you'll have to leave sooner or later, so better sooner,' 'she's bound to be cheating on you,' 'you deserve better...' It's hard for us all not to offer advice based on our own experience. And clearly, most MOMs are doomed. There's no will on BOTH sides to make them work. That's the basic requirement; that, and absolute honesty on both sides.

The two sites where I feel totally at home are the Yahoo MonMOM group, only 252 members... https://groups.yahoo.com/neo/groups/MonMOM/info
but mostly straights struggling to stay monogamous with their less straight partners. Pretty quiet most of the time, and I've found there two other men married to lesbians staying in a monogamous relationship. And the other is the MOM forum on the Gay Christian Network: http://community.gaychristian.net/groups/M-O-M where it's mostly gays and lesbians, but with a lot of compassion and understanding for the few straights hanging in there. We ARE a minority of a minority of a minority. Straight men, married to lesbians, and staying. So it's no good pretending that this isn't going to be seriously hard.

I'm certainly happy to stay here, and to answer any more questions. Virtual communities on the Web are the only communities that people like me will ever know, I suspect.

I like the idea of a section for MOMs - why do you think it would need a lot of moderating?  wouldn't it just have posts from people in MOM's trying to support each other to stay married?

If someone is worried they'll be told I told you so if they come here for support to leave after saying they want to stay then really why would they be thinking of coming here!  Apart from a few young ones who got out after a few years most of us have done years in MOM's, why on earth would we say I told you so - aren't we the ones who understand?

and aren't we allowed to change our minds?

I changed my mind about wanting to be married, I am a monogamous person - it was a long and painful process.  And I am glad I was able to come here and be supported in that and not told I should give it another go.

I like the idea of a section for people who want to stay in their MOM.  They can always change their mind.  They can get the support they are looking for.

Last edited by lily (October 11, 2017 11:24 pm)