Majenco, I feel your pain wholeheartedly. I am only three weeks in but the narcissism is evident - he is only concerned about who I have "outed" him to and what those around me are saying and thinking of him. He has told his family and friends absolutely nothing but yet remains the "victim" - poor me, don't you know how hard this is for me, I will come clean in my own time etc. I don't think he has any intention of coming clean to anyone. He is a successful, good looking man in his late 30's and I suspect he will find another unsuspecting woman as soon as he can and just continue living a double life.

Thank you all on this site for keeping me straight and giving me courage to end the lies and move on as my authentic self which I have always been. For 12 years, my every decision and thought has revolved around him and his needs. It was never about me and isn't now either. I am scared and nervous but know I cannot live a lie. I don't know if I will ever trust a man again, but being single has to be better than this.

Hey guys...   if we start talking about ourselves..  I know  my ex is the broken one a but its doesn't stop me from feeling broken sometimes..   I mean I'm so much better now away from the hurt and abuse ..I thank God for getting me away from her.   But I'm distrustful of other people and myself..  it shook me to my core.    In time I will recover but for now I can say  I'm not who I was.  I never used to shake and mistrust everyone.. yet I am better in many other ways.  

 

I agree I am not who I was..  I am working on getting back to that person but I don’t think I will ever be the same.  The issue of trust is now a huge question.  Not only for others but for myself.  I don’t trust myself to know others intent.  I don’t trust myself to know reality due to the gaslighting I endured.
For me the trauma has somewhat rewired my brain in a very unsettling way trapping me in a feedback loop of anxiety.  My husband once asked me “Where is the funny wife I used to have?”  As if laughing and joking could make this okay.  I responded “She’s back in 2016 with her straight husband..”
Not to be too indulgent here but I wrote this early on to try and describe how I feel...

I remember me
Laughing without a care
Trusting without the fear
Leaning into the sun
Then the rain came down
Washing that girl away
Dissolving into a stain
Swirling around the drain
Now am here a ghost
A whisper of once a laugh
Silence where I would shout
I wish I could let it out
But it's a dream,
It's a fog
I am someone not myself
I am becoming someone else
Not who I used to be
Just the girl who isn't me

Last edited by majenco (October 9, 2017 9:35 am)

That’s a great point about how the hiding leads to self focus.  It comes down to the simple fact that without self love we have nothing left to offer others.  They cannot give what they do not possess.
I often have to remind myself that my husband says the right words but he is not like me inside.  When he says he loves me or that he’s sorry these words do not mean the same coming from him as they do from me. 
He probably means the words but they are not deeply ingrained in him due to his childhood and other issues etc.  I’m not attempting to excuse him but to help myself understand the disparity between our emotional maturity levels.
It’s like he’s struggling to give me all he’s got and he’s at a 3 and I require a minimum of 30.  There’s just no lining that up.

And Phoenix, I’m in a band so there are many songs and poems being written.  I hope someday there will be some more focused on healing.  I will definitely let you know.

Last edited by majenco (October 9, 2017 1:52 pm)

Oh Tam I hear you.  Tired and sad.  I can so relate.  I think it’s amazing the progress you’re making.  After a year and seven months you are still in the early stages.  It sounds like you’re doing all the right things.