Great topic, thank you. I understand the side of wanting to leave, I’ve felt that way a hundred times. At this moment we are working things out and I hope to find support in that journey.

Jeez, I give up. Why are you naming me Out of his closet? Just back off please.

This is a really good topic to touch on.  And yes, I can totally see why the question exists - if 9/10ths of the time (and let's be honest - it's more like 99/100 times) we suggest NOT staying together, then is it a support board for anything but leaving?  I suppose it depends on how you define support.  If "support" means that we want to be here for the person - no matter what their choice or past choices, then we've got that covered (most of us, most of the time, anyway).  If you define support, however, as someone who agrees with your decision even if it doesn't match what they would do in your situation, then no - you're may not feel supported here if that's what you're looking for.  There are two sides of the coin here - the support that the new member (who chooses to stay) wants to feel, and the support that the older members feel the new member NEEDS.  And here's where we diverge.

There is a reason we're so divergent.  When we are new here, most of us are in a state of shock, anger, sadness, hopelessness, and confusion.  What they want to hear is that everything's going to be okay.  And to some degree, we're good at telling them that.  We tell them that they can and will make it through this.  That they're not alone.  That it's not their fault.  That what they're feeling is normal and healthy.  But what they REALLY want to hear isn't just that in the end, it's going to be okay.  Most times, what they want to hear is that their love with this person can survive.  That there is middle ground to stand on, and we've seen it done and that they stand a chance of making it work, too.  Only,.... most of us can't, in good conscious, say that.  We told ourselves that for years, and it just prolonged the pain until we realized that.  And we realize, in retrospect, that the only way it could have worked is if we'd laid down everything we needed and wanted and gave our spouse everything they wanted.  THEN maybe it could have worked.  But then, of course, there was no joy in the marriage for US.  And we realized that if someone were to take this from us, then maybe they didn't really love us at all.  And the worst - that no matter how hard we tried and what we gave up, it was always a shell game anyway.  That we never got the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.  Because they knew that if they gave us that, we'd run shrieking into the night.  They tell us things like, "I just want to have sex with a man occasionally - I still love YOU.  It's just sex."  And then we find out that no, it's not just sex.  It never really set well with us anyway, but we were convinced that it was literally about a pumping action, and that we're attaching too much importance to it.  So we convince ourselves that it's worth it, only to find that they begin spending all their time with their "only sex" buddies.  Or that they're sending them love poems and little heart emojis, and we get to stay home and vacuum and bathe kids and lie down alone, crying - lonely.  And we realize it never was just sex - not to us.  It was an expression of love.  And they've given the damned thing to someone else - or cheaply, to lots of someone else's.  And we're ruined.  And we wish we could re-wind the whole story and just leave at the beginning of the end, rather than going through the gauntlet for no gain in the end, anyway.  And we just can't help but try to save others from that, too.  Especially when we see the story told and re-told here so often.

So it's not about support.  We support you.  But we can't in good conscious tell you that it's worked for us, that we know anyone it's worked for, or that we even believe it CAN work.  Which is why we often suggest you go to a place where there are people that are making it work, and know people who have, and who have suggestions on how to go about doing things that will help you make it.  It's NOT that you're not welcome here.  It's that we literally don't know how to support you in staying.  Because after what we've gone through, we fear for your heart.

I hope that all makes sense.  Again - it's just MY opinion.  Others may totally disagree.  No matter what, I wish you hope and joy, and love, and peace.

Kel

Very good summary of the whole thing, Kel.  I think you said it all pretty well.

Also, aren't there some other forums out there for people who are trying to stay in their marriages?  I think others have mentioned them here before - something like "MOMS" and one other one.  Maybe those who feel unsupported here would find more of what they are looking for on those other sites.  Just a thought.

Kel, from SSN's records, it's more like 5/6ths of the time. Which means that about 1/6th of the time, people stay together. Not great odds but not impossible either. Here's what our experience is:

When a spouse comes out or is outed, 1/3 of the couples immediately split, the decision of either the gay spouse, straight spouse or both. After it has had time to sink in, another 1/3 will eventually split, usually within a year. Of those who truly try to preserve their marriage (the last 1/3) about half will make it.

This is anecdotal of course, from people who have voluntarily reported to SSN.

The important thing to remember is that everyone is an individual, not a statistic.