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November 28, 2017 1:33 am  #1


My wife is Questioning

A bit of background: my wife has spent most of the past 4 years self-diagnosing (mainly from internet searches) various conditions that would explain her health concerns and feelings. It began with an imagined hemochromatosis, then a series of auto-immune disorders connected to gut bacteria. Now, she has begun to suggest that a transgender identity is at the root of her problems. If in fact she really is trans, then I do not want to stand in the way of her self-actualization (even if it means that we can no longer be together--I did not marry a transgendered person and I don't know if I can accept a transgendered spouse). However, this seems like the latest in a series of self-diagnoses that are designed to legitimize her feelings of uniqueness and separation from her past. None of this presented itself before we were married, but showed up almost immediately after our wedding. I am trying to do the right thing, but I am unsure what that is. I don't want to tell her that I can accept being married to a trans man if that is, in fact, the end-game of the current situation, because I think we are still at step 3 of 1000. However, at some time I will need to decide how far I can go with her, and at what point I must step away. I hope this is just another phase that will pass as the other phases have, but if it does not, how far have you been prepared to go to be supportive? I will always love the woman I married and I think I could remain friends with a transgendered version of her, I am not attracted to transgendered people and I am very uncomfortable with her increasingly frequent discussion of children.   Thoughts? 

 

November 28, 2017 9:19 am  #2


Re: My wife is Questioning

If your wife has spent four years self-diagnosing it's time that she see a medical doctor and begin to find out what she does and doesn't have. At this point you are like a tin can tied to a dog's tail, she runs and you follow in whatever direction she goes. It will be helpful to you if you can detach enough to not buy into her self-diagnosis as it may change given what has happened in the past. Give yourself some time and space to pause and breath.

Her self-diagnosing might be connected to some mental health issues but a medical doctor will be able to connect her to a psychiatrist if s/he thinks that is part or all of the problem. If she wants to come out as transgender there are doctors who specialize in providing services to transgender patients and counseling is part of the process for anyone considering hormones or transition surgeries.

It sounds as if both of you are tired and unhappy as things are so I hope that she can get to the bottom of her needs and you can decide what direction you want to go. 


Try Gardening. It'll keep you grounded.
 

November 28, 2017 9:39 am  #3


Re: My wife is Questioning

Welcome GW, 

Sorry you are struggling with this strange situation.  Clearly this is not what you signed up for when you go married.  It's hard to diagnose your wife, even for you and for her, so I won't try, but I will share some common themes our group has experienced. 

Mental instability and other health issues are common with our spouses.  Keeping a big secret that a person understands can lead to stress, depression and even multiple personality dissorders.  When you don't even understand what is wrong (like perhaps your wife is experiencing) could certainly lead to mental and even physical illness.  

Many of our spouses married us because they wanted to be "normal".  They don't want to be different and looked down upon by society.  While this might seem reasonable to them, it's very unfair to us and we have all suffered greatly from this.  Some of our spouses knew exactly what they were doing and used us entirely to keep their secret. Others legitimately tried to be "normal", but after a period of time realized they couldn't do it.  

Your statement about always loving the woman you married is a very true statement and one that most of us agree with.  Sadly, the woman I married was a fraud.  I still love that imaginary woman...  but I sure don't love the real person she is today.  

Based on what you've written, I think you are handling this perfectly.   You are still loving and supportive of her because you care about her.  You  are willing to support her through the process of identifying what exactly she needs to be.  But, most importantly, it sounds like you have already set boundaries and limits for what you will endure.   I completely agree with your reservations about having children.  I think if it were me, I would want her to complete her process of identifying herself before talking about having kids.  


-Formerly "Lostdad" - I now embrace the username "phoenix" because my former life ended in flames, but my new life will be spectacular. 

 
 

November 28, 2017 12:06 pm  #4


Re: My wife is Questioning

HI GW - what phoenix said.  

Let me get this straight - she is saying I think I might want to turn into a man and let's have children.  

Is she feeling concern over what she's doing to you?

It was an act of faith to marry the woman you fell in love with - it was a risk, not because the love you felt wasn't true but because if she is hiding the truth of herself how can you know that?  we live and we learn.  these are tough yards.  it will get better with a bit of time.

 

November 28, 2017 4:17 pm  #5


Re: My wife is Questioning

GW,
   Here's my take on your situation, based on the past two and a half years I've spent giving myself the equivalent of a graduate course on things trans, both trans affirming and gender critical.  (I'm a college professor, so that's how I approach things.)  What I've learned is that the truly transgendered (especially women deciding they're trans men) are very rare; according to women who transition (to men) and then desist, it's more likely a woman who has transitioned is either lesbian (in a culture in which it is more acceptable to be a heterosexual "man" than a lesbian woman) or has decided she hates the cultural messages of femininity and wants to opt out of what she sees as a distasteful vision of woman.
   There's a great deal of attention on 4thWaveNow, a website for the parents of children questioning the transgender narrative, to the effect of the internet on teenagers who decide they're transgender.  I would suggest you visit that site, and read around, because what you say about your wife fits with the narratives I saw there of adolescents who decide they're trans after time spent on the internet on sites that push the trans narrative:  https://4thwavenow.com/    There are also accounts by girls who were drawn to "transition" and then backed away from that stance.
  It's entirely possible that your wife has arrived at her self-diagnosis of being transgendered after being coached and encouraged by transactivists on the internet.  It's also possible, of course, that your wife's longstanding mental health issues are in fact the result of unrecognized gender dysphoria.  
  I would second Abby's advice that your wife visit a mental health provider to discuss her history of self-diagnosis.  I would recommend you NOT go to a "gender specialist," as they are likely to "affirm" rather than question or analyze.  

 

November 29, 2017 9:37 am  #6


Re: My wife is Questioning

Is she feeling concern over what she's doing to me? I doubt she thinks about it at all, partly because I'm trying to be supportive and partly because lately she's been very self-absorbed. I think that she only way she'd consider that is if I made a big deal of it and while eventually that might need to happen, I'm hoping that this will all pass. Perhaps that's naive.

I'd like to thank you all for providing a forum for my question--I feel like I can't really talk to anyone else since to do so would be to betray something that is very private. She's got appointments with some specialists and depending on how those turn out, there will be a clearer direction for us. I hope that this is something that will pass eventually, but it's already eroding our relationship, I think. I feel bad for saying that, but it's true--I feel disconnected from her more and more and that, plus the fact that she's living in another city for graduate school makes me feel that we are doomed. Maybe we are. I think I'm ok with that possibility, as difficult as it will be. I just want to wake up and not dread the next shoe to drop.

     Thread Starter
 

November 30, 2017 3:23 pm  #7


Re: My wife is Questioning

er, yes it is naive to hope it will all pass but we all do it, it's just normal - takes time to catch up to ourselves sometimes.  Particularly when you've been handed such a massive slice of doublespeak to absorb.  The woman you married is not the woman you married.  No scratch that - not the woman you thought you were marrying.

most definitely it's real it's happening and has a profound impact.  

Those specialists are likely to be part of the transgender machine.  There is plenty of money to be made out of it - from the counselling to the hormones to the surgery and all the extras.  You need to look after yourself.

It is good you're disconnecting.  It will bring you peace and easing of the hurt.

Right now you're feeling depressed from the feel of your post.  again, that's normal, it is nature's way of bandaging the ache in your heart.  It won't last but you're going to be on a rollercoaster for a while.  The best thing you can do for yourself apart from have a good cry is to get what's happening out into the open.  I get that you don't want to tell her secret but you need to do it some time.  I remember the first person I told - it was so hard to 'tell on him' but it was a strong move - it made me feel better, it put the ground under my feet to have it out in the open at least with somebody.

So basically you can pat yourself on the back for posting here.  It's a great first step and we can promise you, life does get better again.

wishing you all the best, Lily

Last edited by lily (November 30, 2017 3:29 pm)

 

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