Just want to underscore what OutofHisCloset said.  I too wish I had found SSN and ChumpLady much sooner!  Both have been extraordinarily helpful and essential to my understanding and attempts to heal and move on.

(Have typed this out and tried to post it twice before, but it never shows up - weird.)

jk,
 I don't think you need to worry that what you're doing is training your children to subordinate their interests to others.  First and foremost, the most powerful example you could set in that regard is that you divorced their father instead of capitulating to being a beard and living with a cheating husband (he was cheating on you with that younger man he took camping).  That in and of itself provides them a model of self respect based on healthy self interest.  I realize you were speaking more about asking your children to go visit their father when they didn't want to, but I thought I would give that added perspective.  
   Also, my situation as a child was extreme and not exactly comparable to what you describe: my mother would actively use me to keep the peace by sending me to go sit in my father's lap when he was upset, because I was his favorite child and could calm him down (I was his favorite child, all right, enough that he came into my bedroom at night and touched me inappropriately).  
  Finally, I think the fact that you actually worry about what you model is a good sign that you will make the efforts both to model good behavior and to alter things when you perceive them to need it.  
  Chump Lady has some good posts on co-parenting with a toxic ex, by the way.

I wish I had listened and pulled the plug sooner. But I wanted the 'marriage' to survive and all my sympathy and acquiescence to the new 'reality' post discovery was just was fuel to fire. I wish I had just gone to individual counseling or saved the money to use for therapy after the divorce. Marriage counseling for a couple when the other party has checked out is a waste of time.   But mostly I wish I had a better understanding of 'me' and not allowed myself to get into that relationship in the first place.  In retrospect she was never really in love with 'me' and I didn't have the understanding to see that. So when she found her true love it was a surprise,  You believe your partner instead of dealing with the reality that is looking you squarely in the face.  Sadly I now see it so often in the posts here from guys who have just found out.

Mrs. Lonely, don't be so hard on yourself. It takes time to rediscover yourself. For me the first thing was to recognize that those lost years were not recoverable and that I could not pick up the threads of my life from sometime in the past.

I was in my early 60's when the divorce was final. Resuming up my career I finally had to accept was not going to be possible and I changed my status as "Retired". I did not have the figure for the clothes I used to like and they would not be age-appropriate or stylish now. The men I should be looking at were not the ones I would have looked at when I was younger. I had to learn to appreciate men my age.

So my life was a fresh canvas. First came underwear that made me feel sexy and feminine. Then I hit the second-hand stores operated by various charities and tried out new looks and colors on the cheap. I got a new hairstyle and color at the local beauty school. I joined a gym. I went on some Meetup activities and bus trips. I decorated the house I bought and started the never-ending task of gardening. I treat myself to massages and facials occasionally.

What you wanted before may not matter anymore to you but try to find something new that does. You can become "funny, witty, fashionable, smart, educated and pro active" again as you gradually put down the burden that you have been carrying.  

Hey everybody. So glad I found this site. Not glad I had to find it though. My wife of 17 years broke down 3 weeks ago and revealed that she had been having an affair since September of last year with her long time lesbian friend. She moved out of the house into an apartment last Friday. She has explained that she has always felt she was gay but chose to suppress those feelings until recently.  She has always suffered from depression, and she says the loss of our dog in May really put her in a downward spiral. She told me she acted out on those desires after relapsing on alcohol while with her friend. She had been sober for 18 years. She says she needs space to understand if this lifestyle is want she really wants.  Her gay friend lost her job in August and is about to run out of unemployment and wont  be able to afford her rent. I asked my wife if she was going to allow this woman to move in with her and she said probably because my wife cant help her pay her rent.. My wife says she doesn't want a divorce because she is not sure if she wants this or not.  Anyway in the meantime I am struggling with all the emotions that come with this nightmare. 

1. Should I give her time to figure this out?
2. Should I file and get to the most likely conclusion (divorce) ASAP.
3. Should I go no contact, and see what happens.
4. Is she just really playing me like a biscuit, and I am to shocked to realize that.?
5. Would I ever trust her again if she decides to stay?
6. Should I see a terrible person in the fact that she doesn't seem to care she is having sex outside of marriage?
7. She genuinely seems very confused and almost seems as if she is having a mental breakdown or mid life crisis. 
8. And a million other questions.
I have started seeing a therapist but only one visit so far. ( its only been 3 weeks) 
I know all situations are different and no one can tell me exactly what to do, but I would like feed back from the folks on this post that are commenting on what they would have done different.  Thanks.