OurPath (formerly SSN) Open Forum » Tim's support thread

phoenix · January 22, 2018 9:46 am

Tim,

I want you to have your own dedicated thread to post and to get replies.

Tim's original post:
Hey everybody. So glad I found this site. Not glad I had to find it though. My wife of 17 years broke down 3 weeks ago and revealed that she had been having an affair since September of last year with her long time lesbian friend. She moved out of the house into an apartment last Friday. She has explained that she has always felt she was gay but chose to suppress those feelings until recently. She has always suffered from depression, and she says the loss of our dog in May really put her in a downward spiral. She told me she acted out on those desires after relapsing on alcohol while with her friend. She had been sober for 18 years. She says she needs space to understand if this lifestyle is want she really wants. Her gay friend lost her job in August and is about to run out of unemployment and wont be able to afford her rent. I asked my wife if she was going to allow this woman to move in with her and she said probably because my wife cant help her pay her rent.. My wife says she doesn't want a divorce because she is not sure if she wants this or not. Anyway in the meantime I am struggling with all the emotions that come with this nightmare.

1. Should I give her time to figure this out?
2. Should I file and get to the most likely conclusion (divorce) ASAP.
3. Should I go no contact, and see what happens.
4. Is she just really playing me like a biscuit, and I am to shocked to realize that.?
5. Would I ever trust her again if she decides to stay?
6. Should I see a terrible person in the fact that she doesn't seem to care she is having sex outside of marriage?
7. She genuinely seems very confused and almost seems as if she is having a mental breakdown or mid life crisis.
8. And a million other questions.
I have started seeing a therapist but only one visit so far. ( its only been 3 weeks)
I know all situations are different and no one can tell me exactly what to do, but I would like feed back from the folks on this post that are commenting on what they would have done different. Thanks.

phoenix · January 22, 2018 10:08 am

Tim,

Welcome to the group. I'm sorry you've had to feel the pain of betrayal and the realization that your wife is not the person you thought she was. I've been through the exact same and I know how painful it is. I'm so sorry!

You've asked some tough questions. The answer to all of these depends on what you want for your future. Many of us desire to maintain our marriage, though this is a difficult path. The chances of success seem to be much higher in cases where there is not infidelity as the trust bond required to move forward is already broken and difficult to restore. But it can be done.

I have to admit being biased on this issue. I want our forum to be supportive of those who want to stay married, but my own personal experiences shade my opinions very much.

My personal feelings.. given your situation:
1.) No. She's had 17 years of marriage and many years before that to determine her sexuality. She knows she is gay. she has admitted to it. She has taken actions to pursue that life and not to honor her marriage.
2.) Start your research on divorce. Go visit some attorney's with questions and learn as much as you can. When you are ready you'll be that much closer to pulling the trigger. Getting an education doesn't commit you to anything. Once you've made up your mind, do it quickly and decisively.
3.) No contact is best for you once you decided upon divorce. It will limit the pain you experience with each contact and get you moving toward an independent future.
4.) playing you.. Perhaps that's one way to say it. What she is doing is being selfish. She's worried about only herself. Right now she wants to get physical satisfaction and emotional love that she's craved her whole life, but she doesn't want to be seen by the world for what she is. She isn't ready for the stress that comes with divorce, financial changes, etc.. So she is stringing you along for as long as she can so that she can slowly adjust to the new world.
5.) Only time will tell if you can trust her. I would guess that you'll never completely trust her again, but after a few years you might reach a point of happiness where you don't think about it on a daily basis.
6.) In my opinion, infidelity is the most hurtful thing a person could do to their spouse. I'd rather my ex would have physically abused me over the metaphorical dagger she stuck in my chest when she gave away the most precious part of our relationship to another person. If she has no remorse for what she is doing, then yes.. she's a terrible person.
7.) She's having a mental tug-of-war. Her heart says one thing and her brain says another. She knows she is doing bad things. She knows she is hurting you. She knows that the world will view her differently and she's not ready for that. But she wants what her heart desires. She isn't truly confused.. she is putting on that act. But she is conflicted. Typically the heart wins out over the brain.. sadly for us.

I'm 18 months out from discovery and 13 months post divorce. I remember very distinctly how my emotions changed toward my ex as my love for her went away. For the first few months I tried to convince her to stay. I tried to show her how much I loved her. I was kind and generous to her. I acted in a way that would preserve my relationship with her if she chose to come back to me. In the end it didn't matter one bit because she was no longer a part of my life. I didn't have the right perspective at the time. She was destined to leave my life.. no longer be a part of it. So, the only thing that mattered in how I treated her was how my kids saw it. For that I'm glad I treated her better than she deserved.

Kel · January 22, 2018 11:21 am

Hi Tim,

I'm sorry you're going through this. But I'm glad you found us.

What your wife is doing isn't right. She admits that she's always had these feelings, but was just burying it. She admits to depression over it. That means that she already knew about her orientation, and chose NOT to go in that direction. She instead embraced the part of her that was capable of pretending to be straight - that's the lifestyle she decided she wanted. THEN she spent year being depressed over the fact that she wasn't living authentically. No matter what she did, she felt that she was missing something. It got so bad that the death of a pet threw her back into alcohol, and inevitably, cheating. The alcohol isn't responsible for her cheating with a WOMAN - the alcohol lowered her inhibitions, which enabled her to embrace the part of her that had been longing to be expressed. And then when she sobered up, she didn't go back to being committed to you again - she continued the affair. She spent 4 months carrying on, lying to you, deceiving you, only to blame it on the dog dying, which made her drink. That is NOT the reality, Tim.

Now let's look at what she's asking of you. Let's remember that she a) already knew long ago about these desires, b) never bothered to mention them to you, and c) had already decided that despite these feelings, she wanted to live the straight lifestyle. So she ALREADY made her decision - and her decision was to commit for life to being with no one but you. She didn't NEED to - no one held a gun to her head and made her marry you despite her admittance of being lesbian. Nope - she made that choice freely, herself. NOW what she wants to do is 1) admit she cheated on you, 2) tell you that she wants to take care of the other person because they're in a bad place, and 3) wants you to remain married to her in case this doesn't work out. I'm sorry - f*cking WHAT?!? Can you IMAGINE if this were a man she were cheating with? Let's just spell that out here so we can see how ridiculous it would look:

"Tim, I always knew I was attracted to other men. I've been depressed for years over not being able to be with other men. The dog dying in May put me in a downward spiral that lead to relapse, and when I got drunk one night I slept with a male friend of mine. I've been sleeping with him ever since. He lost his job last summer, so I'm going to move him in and take care of him. But I don't want to get divorced..... because what if this doesn't work out? I need...... space. To decide if what I want is to be monogamous to you - as I took vows to - or if I'd rather be with other men. If THIS man doesn't work out, I may want to get back together. Until I find another man who I'm interested in. I'll do this back-and-forth until I find someone with whom it works out. But I don't want to be alone for a moment - I want someone, and if that doesn't work with another man, I still want you waiting in the wings for me."

I KNOW you don't see her or her desires this way. You see it as her being in a confusing place right now, and you needing to support her in order to prove that you love her. You want her to be happy, and if this is what it takes, then it's what you'll do. Besides, she's not going to decide to be with you if you DON'T do what she wants, right? Then you'll simply have NO chance of winning her back.

She's already gone, buddy. She emotionally left you long ago. You may even never have had here. You'll never know. You can give her everything she wants, but you will be sacrificing YOU in the long run. You may think that's okay - you can take it. But think of yourself as the man who's taking care of the little boy inside. Don't let someone do something this awful to him. No one deserves to have this done to them. It's up to you as a man to protect yourself from that horrible bullshit. It's okay to say, "You know what? NO. You don't get to be the one deciding here. You already decided to not tell me the truth about your sexuality from the get-go, to not let me know you were struggling more and more, to not let me know that your depression was due to this issue, to not tell me about relapsing, to not be committed to me, to continue that affair, and now you want my blessing to just galavant around while you figure out if you want me or not? Yeah.... NO. Sorry, I respect myself more than that." It doesn't mean you don't love her. It means that you love and care for YOU, too. It means that just because they want their cake and want to eat it too doesn't mean that you need to bring them the fork, the napkin and the glass of milk. They want all that crap, let them go get it. You're not going to feed it to them at your expense. At this point, what you're doing is giving her carte blanche to do whatever she wants, and you'll just idly sit by while she decides if it's you she wants. Is that the kind of woman you want to wait on? Someone who isn't even sure (AFTER she's committed to you) if she even wants you?

I know that you loving her and you wanting her to choose you is what makes this so difficult. And the gay thing just muddies it up. But when you break it down, it's her cheating and wanting you to stick around to see if she wants to do that, or continue being married to you. It's not cool.

Kel

Tim · January 22, 2018 12:25 pm

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Tim · January 22, 2018 1:16 pm

Thanks for responding Kel. I hoped you would. From reading your other posts i knew exactly what you were going to say but i still needed to hear it. I have read enough on this site in the last two weeks to know how this movie ends.
Why i am so reluctant to lose something that may never have been there, i don't know,. fear i guess. I am a 61 year old recovering drug addict with 18+ years clean. I met my wife in recovery. I would never choose to live with someone that is actively using, however I understand relapse and will help any addict that is suffering even my wife. That's what we do. But why am I willing to accept cheating, lying, and pain just to name a few?. Like I said, when I play this tape all the way thru, I know how it ends. The more I read on here the more I am not willing to live in this shit. I am getting closer to doing the right thing minute by minute. "She is already gone buddy" landed right where It needed to. I never thought I could get off drugs, much less stay clean for 18+ years. I understand that if I keep living, life will just keep showing up whether I like it or not. "Life on life's terms as we say in recovery" . This shit will be a walk in the park compared to addiction once I am ready. And i am getting more ready with each post I read. Three weeks of not eating, sleeping, or concentrating is about all I can take. I am an 61 year old with an excellent job I have been on for 42 years, good pension that gets better every year I continue to work, money in the bank, don't smoke, use drugs or drink alcohol, and as you once said Kel, got a lesbian to marry me. Maybe not today, but my participation in this shit storm is going to end soon. After I read your post Kel, and typed this response i actually had an appetite for the first time days. Thanks.

Last edited by Tim (January 22, 2018 1:31 pm)

walkbymyself · January 22, 2018 2:21 pm

Tim, I really admire you. Your greatest weakness is what I see as a strength -- you care about her and still see the good in her.

I think one thing that's hard for me, with everything going on with my husband, is that I know he honestly wants to be a good person, and it's hard for me to stop trying to protect him (at my own expense).

Count of Monte Cristo · January 23, 2018 10:40 am

Tim,

It is not easy is it? We are still hoping they are that person we thought we fell in love with and married. Well, they are not. Oh is sucks and I get that. Getting my support group going, and getting legal advice was huge for me. I have thought about my ex for 11 months almost every second of everyday. That is when she started hanging out with that 0/10 girl. Life has thrown us a curve ball, and when you look at it I really think it begins to show you just what kind of person you are. She is gone. Long gone. Just like mine. Not seeing mine for the last 2 weeks is starting to help. 1 phone call and quite a few texts around the kids. Good luck.

Count of Monte Cristo · January 23, 2018 10:41 am

Oh. And the stress diet can help you look great! I lost 25lbs in 2 months or so last spring and it has mostly stayed off. Man, I am thinking of you because no one should be in this situation and you are.

Lyonene · January 23, 2018 11:34 am

Tim,

So sorry you find yourself here. It's a wonderful group of people on this board, but I wouldn't wish this on anyone.

Forgive the blunt speech, it's just how I roll.

1. Should I give her time to figure this out?
No, she's had her whole life to figure this out, now she's trying to use yours.
2. Should I file and get to the most likely conclusion (divorce) ASAP.
Yes. You'll notice a trend here. We all say we wish we would have gotten out sooner (re: immediately). Hindsight is 20/20.
3. Should I go no contact, and see what happens.
If she is making you feel distressed, sick, etc., yes.
4. Is she just really playing me like a biscuit, and I am to shocked to realize that.?
I would say yes. How many years does she get to take from you while she flounders around pretending confusion, man?
5. Would I ever trust her again if she decides to stay?
I couldn't, and I would say it's unlikely any savvy person ever would. If she has known all along she's been using you - how awful. If she's been "confused" (not bloody likely), she lacks insight and self awareness and doesn't have the intelligence God gave to a goose - yikes. Lose/lose situation. Trust would be out the proverbial window for me.
6. Should I see a terrible person in the fact that she doesn't seem to care she is having sex outside of marriage?
Most definitely. Would you be asking yourself this question if she was straight and screwing around? Gay is not a 'pass' for bad behavior.
7. She genuinely seems very confused and almost seems as if she is having a mental breakdown or mid life crisis.
See answer 5.

Hang in there, Tim. Things do get better as shock wears off and strength replaces it.

Kel · January 23, 2018 11:48 am

Tim,

It's really hard to let go. You still have the love in your heart for her, because her declaring that she's gay doesn't make all those feelings just...... evaporate. There are several things to deal with here. One is missing her - the her she used to be when you were happy. Another is missing being part of a couple - having someone to come home to, share our day with, laugh with. And finally, we are dealing with the death of a dream - that our future isn't going to be what we'd envisioned it to be and spent loads of effort into building.

It's like a house. Say you lived in a lovely home, and it was destroyed in a natural disaster. Let's say that said natural disaster desicrated the land the home was built upon. It was a home by the sea - and the cliff it was built upon fell into the sea during a monsoon / mud slide. You would miss THAT home. You would miss having A home. And you would mourn the spot where the home stood - the memories you made there are gone, as is the future of making memories there. It's WAY more than "my house was destroyed". It's a HOME - and you can't even rebuild that home again on that spot - that spot no longer exists. We have to abandon that spot altogether. We would find ourselves going to visit the view occasionally - crying for the home that was there. The home could have been falling down old and dangerous, but when we looked at what the landslide took from us, we don't see it that way. We go alllllll the way back to the best that home ever was to remember it by. We go back to birthday parties in the kitchen, tickle fights in the bedroom, blanket forts in the living room when the power went out. THAT's what we feel we lost. We don't feel we've lost the persnickety electrical system, the cracked foundation or the chipped paint. Oh-how-quaint all those things look now as the backdrop for all that happiness!

The truth is that we're not mourning our past. We own that. We're mourning our futures. The one where we thought we'd still be getting to live the life we were enjoying. We're angry that today isn't what we wanted it to be, and tomorrow's not looking any better than today. We're mourning our future. And that's okay. Just know that your future will still happen - it's unwritten, and the joys are just as limitless as they ever were. Just..... different from different sources than you envisioned them coming to you from.

Take care of yourself, please. Be kind to yourself. Eat well. Sleep enough. Seek therapy and the company of friends. Breathe. This too shall pass.

Kel

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