Also having people tell me he's not gay and I'm just making a big deal about it, doesn't help.  I already have doubts that I'm losing my mind and making it all up in my own mind

To make matters worse, it would appear that menopause is beginning for me.  No sign of my monthly curse and soooooo emotional.

I guess I'm caught up in the needing to know, combined with not knowing what to do or how to move on.  Part of me knows I will be considered the bad guy if I initiate the separation.  I'm trying to be supportive while he gets back on his feet from the job loss also but that also leaves me in limbo.  If I rock the boat now, it will hinder his ability to support his kids....and I can't do it by myself.
I guess I need to find more ways to be independent in the meantime.

Lisa,

I think that in your mind, one needs an immense, unsolvable issue in their marriage in order to ever have divorce be an option.  The kind of issue  that NO.ONE would ever give you grief over leaving for. I get that - I used to think that way, too. I was most nervous about what the divorce would do to the kids, how I would support myself, and what everyone would think of me. While the first two fears were logistics, I cannot honestly say that the last one wans't just as important as the first two.  As a people pleaser, I got a lot of affirmation out of what others thought of me. I felt like I would fold if I was met with too much opposition.

I think the other part of this is that since you feel you need an immense, iron-clad reason to get divorced, that means that if you find such a reason, you'll HAVE to leave.  If you knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that he was gay, it still wouldn't make it easy. It would just make you feel more entitled to leave.  You feel like people would understand in that case.

I feel like you can't admit he's gay because that'd mean you need to leave. And you're not ready to do that. And.that's.okay.  Really And truly. Rarely do people jump out of the pot without making sure they're not just jumping into the fire.  You find it easier to be paralized and not making movement if you're unsure of the decision.  But it IS okay to know that he's gay and that you're working on understanding how to proceed.

It's also okay to decide that the sum of the things he does makes you and your household very unhappy. And that since it's unlikely to change, you're done with suffering so that everyone but YOU can be happy. Would you want a good friend or a relative to stay miserable in their marriage just so they could have your approval? That'd be nuts. You think more about your kids and your ability to monetarily support yourself than anyone else will ever put into the decision.  You don't need their approval to take your OWN life back!  Don't discuss how it makes you think you feel - deliver your decisions as already being made. If people jump in to say, "But you can't get divorced!",  then you say, "I'm not asking for your blessing or approval - I'm conveying my decision.

You can go the first step in your journey without needing to see the whole path.

Kel

I had a similar situation happen to me. April 1 was our anniversary. It was the first one she chose not to celebrate. I took the day off anyways because I knew I was going to be a wreck and decided we would do something with the kids instead. A couple days before I was having a bad day and my daughter came up to me and gave me a hag and she said hugs make everything better. I said thanks but hugs don't fix everything. She got upset and I heard my wife tell her your right hugs fix everything. You can not say stuff like this with my daughter she will run with it. So flash forward to the morning of our anniversary. I get woken up by my daughter and youngest son. Happy anniversary Daddy. Jumping around all excited. She says I'm going to go wake up mommy. It's your anniversary you two need love and HUGS. I tried stopping her talking her out of it. But she got a idea and she was going to run with it and off she goes. My first response was Oh f***. So I get upstairs in time to hear the end of the same anniversary wake up I got, followed by a very emotionless we are not celebrating. My daughter in tears and me bringing her back downstairs with me getting ready to answer a million questions on why mom is like that. When I hear doors slamming and here goes the fireball of wrath. I want to talk to you outside now. My daughter automatically jumped to my defense telling her to stop yelling at me that I did nothing wrong that it was her idea. By this time I am seeing red and just looked at her and said No I will not go out there because I did nothing wrong. Turned around and want back to calming down my daughter. The kids and I spent the rest of the morning together joking and talking and playing games together while she's sat in the front room alone on her phone. Until she bought back their love by suggesting to go see a movie. She has always bitched at me to not give them false hope. There was NEVER a apology. A sorry I was out of line. For some reason I am finding getting a honest apology out of our spouses when they fuck up or use us as emotionally punching bags is just never going to happen. Just remember this
It's easy to be an asshole when you can't smell your own shit.
Stay strong. Hugs. Lol

It looks like he will be opening a restaurant soon which will occupy his time and provide us income again.  I'm trying to plan when and how I will have my next conversation with him.  In the meantime I am trying to start my own travel biz and maybe get a part time job.