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July 16, 2016 2:07 am  #1

new member seeking answers

Good morning.  I found this forum about five hours ago, and I've been reading your stories.  Remember the old Roberta Flack song 'Killing Me Softly'?  Well, your stories are mine, and it's all killing me.

I left my husband of 19 years two weeks ago after finding his open Craigslist account on his tablet.  It was full of sexting and discussions about hooking up, who would host, where, and the fact that my husband couldn't host because he "does not live alone".

This is not the first time I've stumbled upon one of his secrets, but it's been over 2 1/2 years since the last time and I had really hoped that it was just "a passing curiosity" as he once claimed.

My evidence:
- my husband lacks interest in sex (he blames it on low libido).  He's a willing participant when I initiate, but even though I've offered many suggestions to spice things up, he prefers predictable, monotonous, and quick couplings.
- he's addicted to his computer - twelve years ago I found gay porn sites and chat rooms on the computer history, but since then the history is often deleted or very short with a few normal sites listed.
- a year later I found where he'd posted a pic of his erect penis on a gay website... further investigation turned up a crumpled and crusty t-shirt shoved into the corner of the room.  It had been used repeatedly.
- 10 month separation.  Husband promised repeatedly that he'd left it all behind him.  Reconciliation.
- several years after that he accidentally included me in a graphically sexual text while he was making plans with a 'host' prior to departing on a business trip.  When confronted, he denied that he would ever have actually followed  through with the rendezvous.
- later, on two different occasions - about a year apart - he trimmed and shaped his pubic hair.  Both times I discovered the modifications in the dark during intercourse because it felt brittle and itchy, and both times he swore he only did it because he felt like doing it.  It's always bothered me that even though I lost my mind the first time, he went and did it again.
- somewhere in there a mysterious bra turned up in his car.  He has no idea how that got there, but he's suggested that it must belong to one of our daughter's friends - as if it's perfectly normal for a teenage girl to stuff her bra in the pocket behind the passenger seat of someone else's car.
- and now I've stumbled upon his Craigslist account going back pages and pages for six months or more where he's been sexting with both women and gay men. 
- Oh, and did I mention that he travels several times a month for work???

My problems:  we've been married for over 19 years; we've been best friends for over 25 years - all the way back to high school; we share many of the same interests and hobbies; he's very affectionate and attentive (lots of hugs, foot massages, and he cuddles with me when we sleep); he's a doting father, and he's ABSOLUTELY BELIEVABLE when he breaks down and tearfully promises to do WHATEVER it takes to prove to me that he loves me, wants to be married to me, is attracted to me, and he swears that he has NEVER followed through and met any of the people he's been sexting with.  Biggest problem... because I love him, I WANT to believe him!

What do I know???  He's capable of looking me dead in the eyes and lying convincingly.  I feel like such an idiot.

A BIG QUESTION:  Are fecal stains in a man's underwear or on his bath towels indicative of recent anal intercourse?  This is a relatively new development that I've noticed occasionally over the past year.

Please advise.


July 16, 2016 10:33 am  #2

Re: new member seeking answers

Dear Hoodwinked-

Congratulations on your awakening and starting transition from victim to butterfly. Welcome to our forum.  

My heart goes out to you. I suffered a female GID like yours for almost 4 decades. When my son was out and away, I jumped off the Merry Go Round. 

Str8s here know well that lying cheaters are a special type of parasitic devil’s spawn!  My GIDXW’s most poignant closing line while gayly packing up to end 3+ decades of marriage was telling me she considered admitting her gay cheating and assuring me she would stop it and be faithful from then on. Then, after she'd patched things she would reassemble her girl posse on the down low. Her sister told her this would be unfair to me. (I miss my sister in law.) 

Eight years out now, I’m a happy, healthy, semi-retired singleton with a loving son and daughter-in-law. 
But I had waited until leaving was a life-and-death matter for me. Having not extricated myself from that intolerable situation, my body got sick to do it for me. Three weeks before divorce I excised a cancerous prostate, another thing set on killing me, ending life dreams of a full on hetero relationship. Since, mouth washes, fillings, root canals, root scrapings, implants, etc are yet cleaning out bacterial community property she brought home.

Your wonderful moniker indicates you’ve accepted who he is much earlier in life than I did. That difficult step taken, you’re fully equipped to act in your own self interest, exemplifying to your kids that YOUR LIFE is yours to live, not his to use. 

You’ve invested 19 years of marriage to this cheater, so “WANT to believe him!” Hoping when you open your eyes again, all will be different is common in betrayed, beguiled Str8s.  Your longing is for the LIE he projected not the REAL HIM.  

DON’T BE CAKE.  SSA folk know who they are and what they want - cake. Words are just something they use to keep useful Str8 spouses (beards). http://www.chumplady.com/2012/04/the-unified-theory-of-cake/  

Illogical longing for him to be what you want, rather than what he’s proven not to be may be trauma bonding.  When recovered, you’ll appreciate in our most intimate relationships we need love not dependency.  I know this well.  I stayed frozen, unable to act in my own self interest for decades – the while knowing I was wasting my life for a GIDer with no more regard about consuming me than I had for a carrot on a salad tray. I’m well beyond it now, but after we split, I still missed her! 

Advice: 1) Assemble your professional lawyer, therapist, doctor team, 2) Get him out and away so you have space to grow and 3) keep your sympathy and finances for yourself. 

You have a brilliant new life ahead just beyond your 1) understanding, 2) acceptance, and 3) hard work. 

Pray, exercise, rejoice, get the best lawyer, divorce ASAP, build a wiser life.

Best wishes for a fabulous future. 

- John


July 16, 2016 10:38 am  #3

Re: new member seeking answers


So sorry you're now going thru this. Your story is very similar to mine. One day my husband left his secret email logged in on our desktop computer. I saw many emails for craigslist m4m. Couple times after that I found stuff again. At one point while I was out of state for a funeral, I came home. Something told me to check craigslist m4m. Guess what I found? 2 of his ads w/d*ck pics! It's absolutely disturbing & disgusting. He had been using craigslist for a few years before I found out. It's extremely terrifying to know that they've put our health & safety at high risk.
    My husband tried denying it all. Would look me straight in the eyes, he was so believable even with the proof & evidence, clear as day.  I know what you're feeling, reading your post brings it all back & I remember the first moment like it was yesterday. It's been over 4 yrs since I first found craigslist, but there's been new things frequently since; whether craigslist, or gay hook up apps. I stayed for several reasons, no matter the evidence, I couldn't find myself to believe it. I loved him so much & he told me he did too & was very sorry. Promised it would never happen again. It's all lies. I know what it's like checking their emails, phones, boxers, all that.
     I'm divorcing him now. He says he got tired of me & my not trusting him, he stopped wanting me completely. I can't take it anymore. I'm still in the middle of this nightmare. But i just wanted you to know I greatly empathize with you.


July 16, 2016 12:24 pm  #4

Re: new member seeking answers

Thank you so much for responding.  I feel like I'm treading water in a whirlpool.  Even though my parents and his mother are aware of the situation, it's such a relief being able to talk to anyone who actually understands what I'm going through.

     Thread Starter

July 16, 2016 12:41 pm  #5

Re: new member seeking answers


He is not being honest with you. He is "gas lighting" you. It is a common used technique used to throw a straight spouse off the right track. Google the term gas lighting. I am sure that your head is spinning out of control right now. The crushing reality throws you into shock. Finding out your spouse is living a separate life, has a SSA, and is not who you thought they were is a complete mind-F--k.  It is so very easy at the beginning to want it not to be true because so much of it is unconceivable to the Straight Spouse.  It is so very easy to slide back down into "his" truth.  The truth he wants you to believe.  Don't go back under. You will lose too many more years of your life and end up back in the same place.  John's advice for assembling a team and moving through this is spot on.  Keep reading and posting.  You are not alone.

"No matter how hard the journey may be, remember to be kind to yourself..."

July 20, 2016 4:44 pm  #6

Re: new member seeking answers

I just wanted to post and let you know you are not alone. Our stories are very similar. I am married 21 years and caught my husband under similar circumstances (CL postings). I teeter between being furious with him for cheating on me, ruining our life, destroying our kids lives, our extended family lives, our friends and just feeling sorry for him. I'm not sure where to turn or what to do, but it helps to know I am not alone 


July 21, 2016 7:14 am  #7

Re: new member seeking answers

Sameboat, etc

No you are not alone in your plight. Seems a lot of spouses do this..we will never no why.

Alone ..I am alone now..it's just me after decades of marriage and kids..  but being physically alone is far better than being with my raging hurtful cheating gay ex.

And I'm not really alone..I have family and friends.. I have god and myself.  Don't underestimate yourself. .we have fierce love, loyalty and integrity..we can take that love and give it back to ourselves and kids..  our spouses have forfeited that love..they are not entitled to it or the benefits of it anymore.

Last edited by Rob (September 20, 2016 10:18 pm)

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

July 29, 2016 9:20 am  #8

Re: new member seeking answers

I am living a very similar situation  right now -  I know;  but he does not yet know that I know - so I am living a lie just like he is  - until it is the right time to confront him, gathering 'proof' that I will need to substantiate my accusations
I confronted him when I found out 8/9 years ago - he made a lot of promises to change - At the time I  was totally heartbroken - I would have staked my life on the fact he would be faithful to me and our marriage - During the years after this  I basically lost my mind and took years to recover and find 'me' again -  back then I wasn't in the right place to move on and end the marriage - I had 2 young children and financial/ emotional dependence - I truly wanted to believe he would change- I forgave and worked very hard on letting go of resentment - I wanted to believe and trust and I really did think he had stopped and changed - and now I see exactly  the same 'symptoms' all over again and I am investigating all over again - he is being more careful this time around, now its mostly mobile phone rather than computer , so I too have had to become more skilled at monitoring  - I need evidence as proof - I hate to snoop but have to as he is very good at covering up, at deleting, at destroying every scrap evidence and fabricating excuses and reasons for unexplained absences and missed phone calls -  I believe I have the right to know exactly what is going on in my marriage - I have learnt how well he can lie, how convincingly he can explain things away - but looking back with my full mental faculties and without the emotional dependence that I had allowed myself to develop,  I also now know that his promises  of change were empty , were said to placate me at the time , I doubt he even remembers that he made them.
Now I am also angry - I am incensed at how brazen he is to go back to what he promised he would leave behind - not only has he violated the trust in our marriage , he has violated my forgiveness - I forgave the unforgivable . Protestations of love are indeed hollow when treachery is a work-in-progress .

Last edited by sallyfindsout (July 29, 2016 9:23 am)


July 29, 2016 10:48 am  #9

Re: new member seeking answers

"..not only has he violated the trust in our marriage , he has violated my forgiveness - I forgave the unforgivable".


I would have forgiven my now ex-wife anything.  But one of the truly horrible things was she was pursuing the girlfriend... it was not the girlfriend seducing her.     Her girlfriend was saying how I was responsible for all her problems and my ex just agreed and said horrible things about me.   All while I was trying my best to make her happy.    

I think now my lezex had already decided she wanted out of the marriage..  but she had no problem watching me flounder trying to 'fix' things  while she  lied and pursued her affair.   She laughed at my forgiveness each and every day.    Finally I was being treated so badly I said that's it.   One person cannot fix a marriage the other does not want and is bent on destroying.

Forget about finding the horrible evidence...the fact that you have to snoop says it all.   Other lies and things should be self evident such as a need to see a friend at odd hours.   Don't beat yourself up over the
fogiveness and love you've shown...like us you gave/give true love.   They however give fake/in-authentic/partial love..   They cannot lie (and hurt you)  and think there will be forgiven and there will be no consequences.   Thats not how life and marriage work..  He knows exactly what he is doing..  its really insidious but they are not like us.

Forget about the anymore evidence... gather your financials, start planning your exit..   discreetly.    Should he have a sudden change of heart  (won't happen) your efforts do no harm.   But , if the deceit and deception are deeper than you know than all your efforts and plans all add up as care for yourself.

Really sorry..   but I knew when I was snooping it was over... people that love each other do not create a situation where one has to snoop.   

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

July 29, 2016 11:04 am  #10

Re: new member seeking answers


Your story could be mine as well.  The lies, the pictures of his erect penis, pics of him jerking off in the shower, gay websites, shaving shaving shaving, oh and good news...he travels for a living! 

You're in year 2 1/2.  It look me 4 or 5 to man up and get the hell out.  Good for you for leaving!  I tried to forgive and forget and I also believed all of his dumb excuses that it was just a curiosity and could be stopped at any time.  I say four OR five years because it has all become a blur and I refuse to try to count back time anymore and try to remember exactly how it all happened and how long it took.  In reality, I found out about 8 years before that - I just didn't know it because he lied so well that I had no other thoughts about it until the day his gay porn sites accidentally popped up in my face on our computer 8 years later. 

I know you think you've been best friends but would you do this to your best friend?  I don't think you would.  Stay strong.  Don't go back.  You deserve better than this.

As for the stains...I have to say I think it's common for a lot of guys to have those stains HOWEVER since you say he never did before and now suddenly in the last year he has - that's a red flag. 

So sorry you find yourself here.  Come here often and we will offer you our best support


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