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March 3, 2017 9:02 pm  #1

Feeling hurt and betrayed

My husband and I have been married for 9 years  and the past 1.5 years I’ve had strong suspicions that he is gay. There have just been clues upon clues for years. To start with, he was a 26 year old virgin the first time we had sex. That was pretty surprising. After we had been married for a few months we were talking and he told me that not only had he been a virgin, he had never gone on a single date. O_O Not one single date. How is that possible?!?!?!? I am a very shy, socially awkward introvert and I’ve been married twice before, had multiple first dates, a few one night stands and a couple of short term relationships. He’s an outgoing guy. He talks to and interacts very easily with people, even ones he just met. It always blew my mind that he never went on a date, ever. 

 A couple of years into our marriage he told me a story about how not long after he joined the military, a woman that he worked with and was friends with called him over to her apartment. She had heard noises or something outside and wanted him to protect her. When he got there she consistently tried to get him into her bedroom and, presumably, into her bed. He resisted multiple attempts and slept on her couch. I didn’t think anything of it at the time but it obviously has a different meaning now.

  Our sex life has been weird. He wants to have sex all the time but it doesn’t feel like he wants sex with me(or a woman?). Even after 9 years he is very mechanical and distant with his ministrations. It always seems like he is in his own head and not in the present with me. I thought that he would get better over time but it has not changed much until we switched up to doggy style all the time. We have tried different positions and toys to try to spice it up but its no use. He’s tried to get me to use a strap on for him. But that is one area I refuse to go to. Even after I told I would absolutely not use one, he went and bought one thinking it would “force” me to do it. Even though he always wants sex, he has a hard time finishing. He would say that he must have been too tired or stressed or I was too wet or some other excuse. Of course, you can imagine how fast my self esteem plummeted. He has his own dildos to use in his own personal time and I am perfectly fine with him using them on himself without me. There is no passion in our sex or our lives. 

 There is no romance from him at all. I’ve never received roses, chocolates, or presents from him. The only time was our first christmas together. He always claims he doesn’t because I buy myself things(one or two items) throughout the year so there is no reason to buy me anything. But TGT really explains why he was/is always annoyed when I would  get little “just because” gifts throughout the year. I would buy him ice cream or a discounted T-shirt or a video game and he would be annoyed that I was wasting money even though we are financially stable. He could never just say thank you or be grateful. I’ve broken down crying before telling him how miserable I am without him showing me any affection and he always says well I have sex with you. I’m suppose to be happy getting passionless sex. No thanks. 

 A year into our marriage he told me he wanted me to stop saying I love you so much. He’s not big on cuddling. Though he has a weird quirk. He wants me to cuddle/touch him all night long. He has gotten annoyed when I have fallen sleep and rolled away from him in my sleep. I don’t know where he got this idea that we need to be touching at all times all night long. He swears I hate being touched because I no longer want to cuddle. I use to joke with him that there is a fine line between cuddling and smothering. He ended up constantly smothering, almost literally. I woke up too many times to him laying half on top of me. Not cool when I’m 100 lbs and he’s 200 lbs. 

He has this mental scale/meter that he constantly keeps track of my love for him( that is my perception of what he is doing). He will mention how I don’t love him or imply it in some way because of simple things like forgetting to do a load of laundry or upgrading our bed from a queen to a king or just not doing something he thought I should be doing. He is very hypocritical about a lot of the rules he has for me and the kids. One example, he’ll get angry at the kids for watching an hour of TV while he constantly watches TV for hours after work or on the weekends. He’ll get angry at me for forgetting to do a load of laundry or some other chore but our master bathroom shower hasn’t been fixed for 3 years. It just needs some tiles put on the wall. He has admitted its not fixed out of spite.

  Over the years, his anger has steadily climbed. He use to laugh and joke with me but not in a long time. I use to say that one thing I loved about him was that any discussion or argument we had I could speak my mind. Not any more. He now tells me that I’m just being a drama queen or a bitch or to, essentially, Eff off. Early on in our marriage he started calling me a liar or implying I was lying about things, small things. I never connected it to his denial until I started lurking here. 

You guys have helped me understand some things that I so confused about with him. The narcissism and the gaslighting. Understanding that has brought some things into focus and it makes total sense now. He doesn’t know I suspect(know?). I’m trying to find proof.

The military has trained him as a computer and tech expert and I know he’ll be better at covering his tracks than the average joe. I know he visits literotica.com but not what he is reading. I know yesterday he did a google search for “mature tinkerbell”. For those that do not know tinkerbell is slang for effeminate gay man. It didn’t show if he went to any sites pertaining to that search.  

I hate this. I hate this so much! I hate that I have to snoop. I hate that he destroyed my trust. I thought these things were done and over with. I keep swinging from crying to wanting to punch holes in the wall. I know I can talk with you guys. You guys are the first ones for me to unload on. I’ve been keeping 8 years of pain and hurt and anger and confusion to myself. 


March 3, 2017 11:03 pm  #2

Re: Feeling hurt and betrayed


First.   Breath, step back, give yourself a break.    Your trauma/abuse  (I will call it that)  sounds likes it's been going on awhile.

The snooping is hard..   damn hard.  And yeah there I was also saying WTF...why do I have to snoop?
Snooping is your gut/instinct/bones/intuition ...call it what you will.. telling you something is not right.. The distrust.   It's a horrible way to live.. we get it.   You may never find hard evidence if he's really good at it.
Ok, I found horrible evidence..  and you know what...it didn't make anything better ...really all it did was prove to me that my now ex was more horrible than I ever imagined.    More heartless than I could ever imagine.

Kel will tell  you  (I've been here awhile) that it doesn't matter if you know your husband is gay or not..that the treatment you're getting is enough.    I'm going to have to say from what you wrote...he sounds like a narcissist...   You don't have to feel ashamed or bad..we get it..we love our spouses.    But  my now ex also,  if I look back, leading up to her gay affair, became more and more angry about things..I tried to be more loving and compliant/obedient/selfless... to no avail.  

Your gut/ bones are telling you something ...  your mind may not want the gay to be true but it's really your gut/body trying to protect you.   The increasing anger is a bad sign.    Be wary and careful..
Next time he gets angry tell him he is hurting you. Tell him you want him to stop.  But be careful. 

I say be discrete and be aware..  snoop but don't go crazy with it.   It will help if you start distancing yourself emotionally from him.  You know now it is not you.  .Please build yourself a support system; therapist, psychiatrist, pastor/priest, friends, family.   You should have to live with distrust and abuse. 

A sincere e-hug (virtual but authentic)

"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

March 7, 2017 9:00 pm  #3

Re: Feeling hurt and betrayed

Hi GG,

Welcome.  Your story has many similarities to mine.  Military, dildos, no presents, questionable internet searches, lots of sex but with no emotion. 

One Christmas he didn't get me anything.  He used the excuse that he had been away on a military trip.  nice try, he got back two days before Christmas and was only gone a week prior.  I guess all of December was too short to shop for a simple gift (our limit was always $100 or less - it's not like I was asking for the moon).  One Christmas he got me a bag of socks and a box of pens.  His reason?  Well, "you said you like to try out new pens and you like new socks".  Yes, when I buy them for myself and NOT for Christmas.  But my all time favorite gift was when he got me a picture of him, framed in a tiny frame.  Not even a real picture printed from a photo place, but a pic he printed on our black and white printer on some regular paper.  He cut out the rest of the picture and just framed his face.  Why you ask???  Because the rest of that picture was of him jerking off!!!  omg.

You are not crazy and you have no reason to be ashamed of snooping.  Rob is right - it's your gut instinct.  Initially I had no instinct that told me to snoop.  I found all of his gay internet porn 100% by accident.  But after that, after all the promises that everyone does it and he would stop if it bothered me, I knew I had a reason to keep an eye on that computer.  I actually gave him a year, a whole year before I checked on it again at the urging of a friend.  And, there it was, gay porn everywhere.  Eventually, after years of second and third and fourth chances, I knew I had to walk away.  I had no "solid" proof, just lots of gay porn and dildos that he ordered "for me" even though that was not something we used in our sex life....ever, nor did I want to.  He even took the liberty of ordering a strap on that I immediately told him to throw out.  Well, immediately after I figured out what it was as he stood there and grinned like a jack ass.

My point to all this is to let you know that you're not alone.  There are so many similarities in everyone's journey here.  Keep reading and posting.  You'll figure out what you need and want to do.  It won't be overnight and that's ok. It took me years too. Just know that we're here for you.   


March 8, 2017 11:03 am  #4

Re: Feeling hurt and betrayed

I got LOTS of presents - it was, I think, the only way he could show me love.  He couldn't show me in compliments - because he wasn't into me.  I mean, he could tell me my blue eyes were pretty, or that an outfit looked nice on me, but not that I looked sexy, or even beautiful.  "Hey blue eyes" twice a year isn't enough to keep me feeling like he finds me attractive.  He couldn't show me with passion, because he had none for me.  Oh, he had passion during his arguments with me.  But that was the only passion I'd see.  That and sometimes him cooking.  So all he had was presents.  I'd tell him I was going out with the girls next weekend and I'd get a whole outfit - complete with shoes, jewelry, purse - the works - all purchased and given to me in front of the kids.  Great - they were always outfits that didn't show off my best assets - outfits that he should have been buying his mom instead.  In retrospect, maybe they were to keep me from looking attractive when I was out?  I dunno.  All I know is that those gifts confused me more than anything.  If he doesn't love me or even like me, WHY does he keep buying me new things that we can't afford???  Consider it a blessing that your spouse's actions completely match what you know he feels.  Once they throw a kink into the mix, it f*cks with your brain.

ANYone who would ask their spouse to "stop saying I love you" as much is just...... well...... something's not right there.  Unless you were the person who said it 87 times a day and in front of his coworkers and friends, then there is NO.REASON to not want to hear it all.the.time.  That is a big red flag right there - with glitter and strobe lights.  He didn't want you to say it because he felt pressured to say it back.  And he didn't want to say it - because it wasn't true.  There ya have it.

You need to understand that you don't really need any more "proof".  What you are is unhappy.  And you don't need proof of that to decide to leave.  You don't even need to prove it to anyone else (we feel like we do, but the older we get, the more we realize that we actually don't).  Move away from what's causing your pain.  Cut it out of your life like you would a cancer.  Because that's what it is - it's like cancer in that it grows and starts to engulf you until you can't live anymore.  Until you believe that it'd be better to die.  And this is wayyyyy easier to solve than cancer.  It just doesn't feel that way initially.

All the best -


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

March 8, 2017 4:37 pm  #5

Re: Feeling hurt and betrayed


"If he doesn't love me or even like me, WHY does he keep buying me new things that we can't afford??? "

Guilt ? 


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7

March 8, 2017 5:28 pm  #6

Re: Feeling hurt and betrayed

The answer no longer matters to me.  I was confused by it at the time, but now I know that I'd rather go present-less and have the love, passion and dedication that I have now.  No contest. (plus I still get presents anyway.  Lol)


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

March 14, 2017 6:25 am  #7

Re: Feeling hurt and betrayed

Thank you Rob, Kel, and Still Wondering for your kind words!

@Rob- Yeah, snooping sucks. I haven't gone crazy with it since I know there won't be much to see and so far I have been correct. I believe he is in a long term relationship(3ish years) with his friend and I won't find any random hookups or CL postings. 

@Kel- No, I did NOT say it 1,000 times a day to him. I would only say it a handful of times in a day. Never called him at work unless it was something quite important to talk about right then. I'm not a clingy type of person. I want love, but I'm not desperate. But yeah, I agree that it was a very strange thing to say, especially at the beginning of our marriage. 

I gotta say that this place has been very therapeutic for me. I've read a bunch of posts and someone will say something just the right way and it brings light to something in my marriage or a memory will surface that I hadn't thought about in years.

One sign of cheating is that the cheater will hide their phone or lock it or some such shady behavior. I thought my husband doesn't do that. But then I remembered a handful(20ish) of times that he did that over the span of several years. He would be texting or emailing someone and I would ask "oh who you chatting with?" and he would jokingly and goofily say no one or none of business. That got my attention and I would press for an answer. He would keep deflecting until I gave up. Then a few minutes or even a few hours later he would jokingly be like "See it was my mom or brother(or some other innocuous person)!". There would be a small cluster of hidings over a couple of months and then it wouldn't happen again for several months. Wash, rinse, repeat. I always thought it was bizarre. It hasn't happened in a couple of years and I totally forgot about them. I think it stopped because he in a relationship with his friend.

I totally discounted this person before because he is in his late 60s, overweight, and has health issues. But this is the only person's house he goes to. Almost every day. From the time he gets home from work until we go to bed. Before, I think this was the very beginning of their relationship, he would stay there until 11, 12, 1 at night and have to be up at 0530 to go to work. He does tons of house repairs for him. He is always fixing techy stuff that has to do with their ham radio hobby and putting up, taking down, or repositioning antennas. He has gotten this man to clear out his hoarded basement and garage. I always thought their relationship was like father and son since the friend's own son doesn't want to come around(the friend pushed his own son away). I thought that somehow he was inviting guys over to the friend's house but that the friend's wife would know and she would never be able to keep a secret like that. She is the sweetest lady EVER! She is a surrogate grandma to my kids and I love her dearly. That's when I realized that she is the empath spouse and he is the narcissist GID. My nickname for the friend is Man Baby because he truly is one. Everything just slammed into place. It all made freaking sense! I could totally see how their marriage mirrored ours. I don't know what their sex life has been like but the wife mentioned "infertility problems" when trying to conceive their only son. The wife has even said that my husband is able to get her husband to do things(take meds, clean up spaces, not spend money on stuff, etc.) that he won't listen to her about. And then that got me to actually analyzing our sex life.

I also believe he had a 5 month affair when he was deployed for the second time. They stayed in dorms and had internet in their rooms, so I saw some of their interactions. They would go to the movies together and dinner and other activities that the base put on for the troops. I joked that they acted like an old married couple. Not old or married but, I believe they were a couple. After his deployment, for several months his sexual difficulties were a lot more pronounced. 

At the beginning of our marriage we had a lot of sex. Totally normal, ya know. Then we started adding kids into the mix. It would ebb and flow but even at our lowest, we still had sex once a week, sometimes twice. Then we moved to our current residence and sex only happens once every month or two. I have a lower sex drive than he does and I would mostly let him take the initiative when he wanted it. I forgot that after I refused to use the strap on, a couple of years later, he bought a couple of double dildos. As you can guess, I still refused to use them.  Since we have been living here, he has been more angry about my lack of sex drive and not wanting(refusing him) sex. Even I thought it was weird that it went so low. I could never put my finger on why I didn't want sex as much as before. It wasn't until I came here and realized that he had been gaslighting me, a lot, the last few years(and before that). He would mention sex or use some euphemism, during the day, to act like he was showing interest. But then he wouldn't do anything when we went to bed. Any time we disagree or argue, he somehow brings it around to if we had sex more it would solve all our problems. This was such a baffling statement. How could having more sex solve any of the mundane issues concerning finances or disciplining children or why did you buy that $400 ham radio or why you won't fix the deck like you say every year?  I now know why. But I can't screw him straight. It just won't work no matter how much he wishes it.

I'm glad I can come here and pour all of this crap out and not have to keep it bottled up. Thanks for your ears(eyes)!

     Thread Starter

March 14, 2017 3:10 pm  #8

Re: Feeling hurt and betrayed

@jkpeace I totally agree. I have already started making plans for when I do leave. Its definitely a matter of when and not if. I do need a little bit more concrete proof than just my gut and experience about why I want to divorce. My family may not be as supportive(emotionally) of this divorce if there is not at least a little bit of proof. They are moderately conservative christians and are good friends(many years and before our marriage) of my husband's family. This divorce would definitely impact many people and some friendships. I know it will be hard financially but doable. I don't know how well I'll get through it if my family isn't there for me.

     Thread Starter

April 3, 2017 11:57 am  #9

Re: Feeling hurt and betrayed

GG (that's short for GardenGnome)

No, you don't need "proof".  I totally get what you're saying - I was there myself.  I knew my parents and siblings would be unsupportive of my decision to leave - mostly because I had children, and the most important thing was giving them a stable environment.  I never did think he'd cheated on me, and there were clues that he liked men, but no "proof" beyond a few things that he said were misinterpreted.  But I DID know that there was a complete lack of intimacy - and by that, I mean anything related to intimacy - not just sex.  We did still occasionally have sex, but it was perfunctory and "off" - he wouldn't touch me below the waist (with his hands), nor would he look me in the eye during said sex.  Now,.... I didn't (nor should I have) shared those details with my family.  I simply said, "He's not in love with me.  We have intimacy issues.  We've tried counseling - several times - over many years.  Even the counselor hasn't been able to make any headway into what his issues stem from.  Regardless, he doesn't love me the way a husband should love a woman.  I've tried to stuff that down for years - sacrifice on behalf of the kids, love and respect my husband anyway.  But in the end, it didn't work.  I'm supposed to feel loved, cherished, provided for and protected by my husband.  I feel NONE of those things.  There is no guarantee that I'll find those things if I leave, but I firmly believe that if I stay, I AM guaranteed to never find those things within this marriage."

I did not ask for my family's permission to leave.  I wasn't going to get it.  And THEN what?  Was I going to stay because they didn't give their permission?  No.  You know why?  Because I just...... COULDN'T.  I'd tried that for over 10 years of my 16 year marriage.  I'd determined whether it made me weak (or strong), I just could NOT keep on living that way.  The thought of leaving the marriage scared me.  But the thought of staying for another 10, 15, 20 year?  That made me panic and practically hyperventilate!  So it didn't matter who consented - including my then husband.  I wasn't happy, there was no changing in over 15 years, and I had no hope that real change could or would be made . DONE.

They all came around eventually.  I didn't know for sure that he was gay until a good 1.5 years after I announced my intention to divorce.  If I would have had that, it wouldn't have been nearly the uphill battle with my family.  But regardless, they stop preaching when you let them know there's no hope for them to change your mind.  They will respect resolve.  You just can't show that you're wishy-washy about it or they'll go for the kill.


You are not required to set yourself on fire to keep other people warm.

April 3, 2017 3:05 pm  #10

Re: Feeling hurt and betrayed


Last edited by Duped (November 11, 2019 2:23 pm)


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