Hi everyone.
I don't really know where to start so I'll just start somewhere. 

I am a 41 year old woman, married my husband 7 years ago (he is almost 45). It has never been plain sailing for our relationship over the whole 11 years we've been together. Except for "honeymoon" period of when we first got together and the days shortly after we got married. However, we're both still here and both still trying.

Although we had our post wedding honey moon interrupted by having to return home for the funeral of his gay "best friend" who used to be his "flat mate" which of course he was incredibly upset about. And just on  that - on satruday night when he was really drunk he told me angrily that I forced him to marry me and to have the wedding on his dead gay best friend's birthday and what a nasty inssensitive thing that was to do and that he had no say in it whatsoever. Anyway. My recollection was that we agreed together because it was the anniversary of when we got together so we just kept the same date as it was a Saturday. I even remember going to the friends house who was terminally ill with cancer at the time to invite himj to the wedding. the sick friend took one look at the invite and just looked at us, I had no idea the date was his birthday and my husband should have said something. He never expressed any resistance at the time, I had no idea that this had upset him so much. 

Actually when I think about how he and I got together and the timing - he had just moved out of a house with this gay best friend flatmate (there were others living there but most had left) and moved into his own place. Around the same time, the gay best friend flat mate (Mr T) had actually sent my husband flowers and chocolates at work. He got incredibly embaressed and angry and was teased by a few girls in the office (we worked together back then),.

I feel so sorry for that dead firend now. He had obviously been rejected. When he was on his death bed, my husband's parents were visiting the family and Mr T told my mother in law that my husband shouldn't be marrying me and didn't belong with me. He has always denied there was anything between them. 

It's all coming together in my head now....

So. why am I writing on this forum? I'm 80% sure my husband is gay and still in the closet but is only just realising that this is something he can't shake. Always, the whole time I have known him, he has had frequent dark periods of depression and anger, resulting in shut downs, meltdowns, suicidal thoughts, and a lot of anger directed at me. He's told me that he feels trapped in our marriage but didn't express specifically why. Tonight he said he can't see any way out of "this". but wouldn't elaborate on what "this" means. He's done the counselling/antidepressants/you name it we've tried it but of course no change. 

He is miserable. There is no physical intimacy unless I initiate it. and 8 times out of 10 I am turned down. "Sex isn't important to me, on my list of priorities its way down the list" he told me the other week. In the beginning we had GREAT sex, loads of it, crazy hall way kitchen sex, great out doors sex you name it it was incredible. I got pregnant within the first 3-4 months of our marriage and then things really started going down hill. he's a fantastic dad to our only child. I have been TTC for the last 4 years but no luck, and frequently find myself "begging" for physical intimacy which he always reluctantly gives or makes exuses about being tired. it takes ages for him to get physically turned on which is such a change to when we first got together. 

BUT occaisionally there are those times where its really great. so things are pretty inconsistent. Black and white, Hot and cold. 

I'm just SO CONFUSED!!! No I haven't found any gay porn or incriminating txt messages, websites or emails. 

The thing that really bugs me and makes me think that somethings up is:
- the gay best friend flat mate (Mr T) I mention above,.
- all the time I've know him he's mentioned this guy (Mr N) he went to high school with, his only friend ( he was bulled a lot at school, including by girls) who is gay. I know the friend is gay, he knows the firend is gay. he is openly gay. no problems there.
- He lost contact with this friend when he joined the navy at 17
- 18 months ago this friend magically found out that he had moved countries and tracked him down on LinkedIn.
- surprise! said Friend had coincidentally decided to move all the way across the world to not only the same country but the same city as us after recently having broken up with his gay partner of 10 years
- the emails from my husband to Mr N start off with went like this..."blah blah blah oh thats great mate will be great to see you..somehow I've ended up married and have a son"..and ..."of course I coudn't forget you mate, for good reason ;-) "

WTF? wouldn't you say - something like, I married my beautiful wife 5 years ago and we have a little boy...not somehow I've ended up married and have a son (like I don't know how that happened and I'd better let you know straight away that its a complicated situation because she doesnt know about us...)

anyway...that didn't make me feel particularly good.

 At first I was happy for him, when we found out Mr N was moving here. Husband has always been quite lonely and shy and finds it really hard to make friends. He doesn't have any guy friends now except this one guy who moved here 18 months ago. so when this guy (Mr N) was moving to our city, I thought it would be good as he's always wanted to get back in touch with him and apparently they were good friends in high school. 

Husband is such a good actor, but I can SO TELL when he's faking the tiredness/excuses to not spend time with me. Tonight was particularly bad. I had to beg for a hug, for some affection, he couldn't look me in the eye and just shut down, frozen, detached, totally blocked me out. Sometimes he just sits, frozen, with tears rolling down his cheeks. I can't bear to see him in so much pain but at the same time I'm so angry that he has betrayed himself and me and our son like this. I feel so cheated but I want to be kind to him at the same time and help him through and tell him it's ok, its ok to be your genuine self, just tell the truth and be honest even though its breaking my heart and destroying my life. 

I feel so starved for intimacy and affection, I feel worthless, invisible, ugly and broken. I hurt. I am a zombie lately, I just can't get these thoughts out of my head. gaslighting happens on a daily basis several times. I crave for him to show the love and emotion and physical touch he shares with our son everyday but with me its almost complete avoidance. 

More things that make me go "hmmmm":
When the friend first moved here, we would all catch up together (husband, me, son, friend)
The friend very friendly to me and son (overfriendly I thought at the time), pairing up with me to go to shops, buying son expensive toys for no reason
after a while, the friend and husband stopped inviting us to outings
they kept having regular "movie nights" at the movies, GPS tracking tells me that this was true but of course no idea what happened in movie theatre.
Before long, they were catching up several times a week and at least once on the weekend
(I'm glad I'm writing this all down, its really helping me see the pattern here..)
Always at the movies. or going for a "walk"

Sorry readers, this is all over the place, my head is a mess. 

It was my son's birthday one weekend and we were having a pretty big birthday party for him, doing the catering and decorating ourselves at the local hall. When I asked husband to keep his weekend free to help prepare the food/decorating he went ballistic because he had decided that he was going to make plans with mr N. So I said bring him along, we could do with an extra pair of hands. Got the usual ballistic response and was told that Mr N doesn't do family parties, he feels uncomfortable. WTF?? he was fine a few months ago...also won't come to BBQs at our house anymore with other families/couples (ok so none of the other ppl are gay but so what?!)

It was our son's 5th birthday party. He's his Dad. But it was very clear that the friend was more important than being involved in son's birthday party. Priorities? I found this really wierd as he has always been such a doting dad.
Later I found a text that said - can't make it today mate sorry - too busy "meeting expectations".

Not - oh its my son's birthday party do you want to come along (I invited him but this was flatly turned down). Confusing considering when he first arrived, he was being really nice to me and our son and buying our son gifts. but now he didn't want to come to the party.
WTF is going on??????? I just want some clear evidence so I can make a deicsion and move on with my life. 

Last weekend:
- I hadn't seen the friend for over 6 months and the opportunity came up when we were all out one weekend to catch up for coffee. I suggested it and immediately my husband got incredibly defensive, went ballistic and blamed me for making him angry. It was a completely irrational response. He basically said that no I wasnt invited and I couldn't come and he needed time with the friend alone.
Later I found out that they went to a posh bar on the waterfront that we used to go to and he paid for all the drinks. 

We all went out for dinner before Christmas to another pub. At the time I dismissed it but I'm sure that as they sat opposite eachother my husband was actually giving him flirty looks while he thought my head was turned.

My husband now frequently picks fights with me for no reason

A few weeks ago I asked if he'd like to come to salsa lessons with me. I would love to learn how to dance. He said no but go ahead without me. I said no - Salsa  is a really sexy dance, the only person I want to do that with is you. Don't you care that I would be dancing sexily with other guys? He's like "No". and changed the subject. 
WTF???


I think the writings on the wall. but I have no money, no job and no where to go.