OurPath Open Forum
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Difficulty Distancing
Where to start? My wife and I have been married for 20 years and we have three kids ages 14, 12, and 6. Three years ago my wife came out as bi, and I was her biggest supporter. I believe everyone should live as authentically as they can! Two years ago I had a bad illness and subsequently had a mental health crisis. My wife took good care of me and was so supportive and loving. And, in the process I uncovered childhood neglect and starting a very intensive and painful journey toward healing myself. As part of this I realized that I wasn't getting what I needed from my wife, and asked her to start therapy as well. She did, and within a couple of months she started to realize (or finally allowed herself to acknowledge) that she did not have romantic feelings for me, and "if she ever has a romantic relationship again it will be with a woman." She developed a crush on a female friend which, as far as I know, was never reciprocated and never turned into anything physical, but was certainly intense emotionally for my wife. This also helped open her eyes to how she was actually feeling.
So, we decided to get a divorce, with 50/50 custody with the kids. We got an apartment and we're "nesting" to help protect our kids and keep things as normal as possible for them, to minimize upheaval. So my wife and I are each staying at the apartment for half of each week, while the other one is staying at home with the kids.
For months we were very friendly with each other. Logically I don't blame her for what happened: She was unable to see the truth of her sexuality in the same way that I was unable to understand my own trauma until it broke open, so to speak. We have worked hard to try to take care of each other for many years.
But... staying friends has proved to be more challenging than I thought it would be. Every time we hugged, or shared our feelings, or said "I love you" something inside of me would break a little bit more because all of these things reminded me that the connection that I want, the intimacy that I want, is not the same as what she wants. She's happy to be friends, and I feel more and more like maybe we were never really friends with each other.
And the more I've thought back, the more I've seen that the pattern was consistent: I would put aside my own needs to take care of her (and the kids). I would push down any anger I felt because expressing it would result in her removing connection from our relationship. I worked so hard to meet her where she was in terms of sexual intimacy, to accommodate her lukewarm interest and her never initiating, to reconcile all of that with her assurances that she was interested, she just had a hard time showing it. I feel like such an idiot!
So I told her that I didn't want to be friends, just friendly, and that I wanted to just focus on taking care of our kids. But it is proving to be very difficult not to reach out to her for connection. She has been my primary focus for so long, and I don't have much of a support network, and I frequently feel overwhelmed by loneliness and grief and anger. And again, logically I know it's not really her fault... but that doesn't line up with how my body feels, and with what emotions are showing up.
Thanks for reading. I am grateful for the opportunity to share.
- lily
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Re: Difficulty Distancing
things will get better.
you've come a long way and it seems to me found solid ground - very impressed with the 'being friendly not friends' approach.
loneliness grief and anger - yes, that was my experience too. I liked walking in the rain. My feelings have eased with time.
wishing you all the best.
- Rob
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Re: Difficulty Distancing
Sounds like you did all you could.
But you nailed it with the clarity you have now...you can see all the effort you put in and there may be that expectation on her end...
You are divorced..friends sure but part of being divorced is she, in essence, has forfeited her rights to your time (except what's in the agreement), talents, and skills.
Sounds like growing pains to me..where she needs to l earn how a divorce works.
"For we walk by faith, not by sight .." 2Corinthians 5:7
- freedmyself
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Re: Difficulty Distancing
It's really hard to start seeing in retrospect how much of your own needs you suppressed to accommodate hers. I did the same for my GXH - and a lot of it I wasn't able to see at all until he moved out and I had some time/distance away from him. The newly-out spouse often gets all the attention because they're Being So Brave. The straight spouse, who has twisted themselves into a pretzel to try to preserve a relationship that's impossible to preserve (in my case, in the face of my GXH's deception and gaslighting) somehow gets ignored.
In a way, it's a continuation of the pattern of our marriage. Since we bent to accommodate them while we were married, we continue doing it after they come out. It's a well-worn path.
Please be kind to yourself - you aren't an idiot, you're a human being who was doing his best to be a good husband.
After my GXH came out, we knew we would divorce but he didn't move out right away. I had many times in those days when I sought him out for comfort, even though he was the source of my pain! It's really hard - we're wired to want connection with our (ex) partner even when it's not good for us. Part of me wanted to be around him, and another part of me recognized it wasn't healthy in the long run.
I remember grief and loneliness and anger, too, along with a bazillion other emotions, which shifted frequently throughout the day and showed up in wild combinations.
Whether or not it's your ex's fault per se, this situation is because of her, and you have the right to feel all of the negative emotions.
Do you have a trusted friend or family member you could meet for a walk or a coffee? Even just one or two people can help. I also benefitted tremendously from therapy - talking through my emotions with a professional helped me process this very weird straight spouse experience. If therapy is an option for you, I highly recommend it.
Keep posting, too - you're in good company here.