Barbara1416 wrote:

My husband came out as gay after 23 years of marriage. He wants to stay married but open our relationship. I love him and I want to make it work but I am scared. One day I am ok with it next day I am not. How long will it take to make up my mind. This decision is difficult for me because I am still attracted to him and I desire him. I asked him if we can keep any type of intimacy between us. First he said sex once a month was ok , now he told me that it is not ok. We were watching some adult gay movies together which I am ok with but it stopped too. I am scared an confused what will happen next, will he just leave me for a guy? Should I stay in this relationship or just let go and start healing. Anyone out there with similar situation?

 
I learned my partner was bi after 20 years. But he presented it as a positive... something for 'us' and it took me another 12 years of figuring out it was really all about him. I loved my partner too so it took another 6 years after that to leave him. But in that time I learned a lot. About myself.
Scary yes. Traumatic often. Sad definitely.

I found that my former partner thought he was entitled to keep that part of himself separate from who we were and that I must be okay with it, because initially I did believe it was "all about us".. and was accepting of an open r'ship. Basically his sexual desire trumped my need for monogamy in the end. But once i agreed to opening up our intimate life I could never get back the trust I'd always had with him.

Barbara...you need to think deeply about what you want your life to be. Today, tomorrow, five years from now. Keep reading, ask questions. This is why the Forum exists.

Elle

Barbara,

We get it here.   I was scared all the time.  You need to build a support system..friends, family, therapist, here etc.   Because he is not supporting you despite any words.     

I think the physical rejection is the worst..as if they are gods and control us and the universe.   I feel ounce they reject and hurt us they forfeit all rights and control.  They dont determine our lives..God does.

Wishing you and everyone strength and courage.

Hi Barbara,
I'm so sorry to hear what you are going through and it is a comfort to me to see that I'm not alone in what I'm going through either. It's not an easy decision to make.
I can't help you make a decision because I can't decide what to do myself. All I am doing now is thinking through what I am giving to the relationship to keep it going and what he is giving. If it's all one sided, then I think you need to talk about it. You need to let him know what you would need to stay and discuss if that is something you could live with. Even then it's difficult because we are the ones still in love. Not everything can be decided by logic.
Not much help because I'm lost myself...but here to talk if you ever need it

Alone38 wrote:

I've been married for 38 years. I came home from work one day thinking I was happily married. My husband stated his is transgender. He's making himself out to be the victim. He kept telling me he loved me and didn't want us to end. But he needed this. Im destroyed. He kept saying he didn't want to be a woman and he had to work it out in his head. We'll after a month of living on a roller-coaster from he'll he has suddenly started be secretive. I think I'm dying inside. I won't kill myself but I do wish God would take me. The pain is just to great

Welcome to our Forum A38. I abbreviated your profile name because although you feel alone you've taken the first step towards not being alone. There is a mountain of help and advice ....here and in the outside world, it's simply that because of the infiltration of the trans ideology into most (if not all) institutions in the world it takes a strong woman to see it, acknowledge it and summon the strength to stand up to it. 
I've learned over the last few years that victimhood is the cloak of trans-identifying men because in their heart of hearts (deep down in their messed-up minds) a man knows he can never be a woman so he has to stomp his feet, accuse the world (and those closest to him) of transphobia & hatred if they don't agree/accept him as a woman.

As for him not wanting "us to end"....it means he wants you to be the gap of safety between him and the world.He'll want to compel your language and be okay with changing the dynamic of your r'ship. 

So. No you're not going to die, god is not going to take you. You may ride this Mindfuck of a rollercoaster for a bit longer but if you don't wish your selfish husband to totally ruin your life it's going to have to be you who stands up to this fantasy-driven wish of his to be a woman. I mean...what the fuck....there are only two sexes. (yes yes....intersex...but that is a sex development variation) and your decision will be, actually, easy in that you have two choices. You either A/ want to stay or B/ you want to leave. But you can't make a decision until you learn more about what is happening and what may happen in the future. We have a member her....OutOfHisCloset....she's been where you are. She'll have lots of input.

I hope you have family or friends you can talk to about this? 
If your selfish husband has told you not to tell anybody don't listen to him. From the moment he told you he is transgender he has opened a gulf between who he is and who you thought he was and you have every right to seek advice and consolation from whoever you choose. 
You even have the right to be angry. But make that anger work for you and .build you up, not make you crumble. 

Please keep reading and asking questions.
Warm hugs from New Zealand

Elle