It's been about a month now since I filed and had her served. 

So far it's gone remarkably well, weirdly casual. 

She's job hunting, has had a number of interviews.

We're working thru finances, our joint/consolidated student loan is the biggest mess to unfurl. Trying to catch up on behind bills to start recovering credit scores. 

She's been very reasonable in what she expects financially so far, I wonder how much of that is just knowing I know enough to shut some of that down. She's not asked for spousal support, just child support, which would be less than I've been paying for her car/gas bill alone. And even marital property, she's not worried too much about splitting things up or itemizing, just what's mine is mine, and hers is hers. 

So, so far, if this continues in the same tone without major upsets, we could be done at the end of the 90 day waiting period and just go on our separate ways. 

I discussed pursuing the infidelity claim further with my lawyer and saw no value in doing that as it would cost more than it would yield and just cause more contention. 

Now I'm browsing home listings with this weird level of excitement that I don't get to share with a partner... "ooh, what do you think of this one?" sort of stuff. It makes it much more objective and frankly easier, but takes that fun out of it. 

It dawned on me yesterday, how screwed up division of assets can be. At least when there is infidelity involved, you can go thru records and count what they've spent against them, but in an uncontested situation, then the homebody partner, regardless of how frugal, gets screwed vs the social one that's spent all their disposable income on eating out, going to bars, personal vacations, etc.   The one partner could collect things, say comics, memorabilia, etc but hold to a strict budget, like $50 a month. But the other could be blowing 10x that per month on non-asset building activities, drinks, meals, hotels, etc. After 20 years, one has spent 12k on appreciating assets while the other could have blown $120k with nothing to show for it. but that 12k collection is what's on the table for division. Total BS. 

So. I was browsing a dating site today. I haven't fully set up any profiles or started contacting anyone, just wanted to know there's hope out there... happened to come across the 21 year old she was hooking up with last year (and again in march). The girl had been engaged... but she posted "in a newly opened relationship" and "looking for friends with benefits"... soo, that's fun to run into. She's also a wedding planner.
I imagine, it'll be funny, one day, if I remarry and used her services. "Thanks for making this possible" has a whole different meaning. 
Also "No, I've got my own photographer, but he only uses telephoto lenses" then show her her pic with my (soon to be) ex... 

I'm not really sure I want to go dating site route. I don't like the checkbox approach. I'd far rather meet and let it grow organically. Kinda like my career, I don't really look good on paper, but get to know me and what I can do and I'm indispensable.  Same thing dating, I'm shy, slow to warm up, so I went dating site route 20 years ago. Now I just want to focus on shared interests, mutual respect, knowing someone thru how they live their lives, rather than the boxes they've checked. 
The last time, we lived an hour apart when we were dating, she didn't have a car and lived on campus, so I never saw her in any domestic capacity prior to marrying her and that was a HUGE mistake. I definitely don't want a domestic servant, But I want to know i'm not the only one doing ANYTHING around the hose. So, spending time with someone in my or her home first, to see how she lives and how we interact in day-to-day life rather than 2-4hour chunks at a time once or twice a week. So much I'll do different this time. 

The next big thing I'm wresting with, not so much dealing with the financial aspect or even directly parenting aspect, but since she has no domestic skills, how much am I going to have to teach her to be able to support herself? She's never done the bills, never shopped for groceries... a couple weeks ago, a toilet backed up and overflowed (and the flapper was rotten, so it kept going) while I was gone, when I got back there was water everywhere with every towel and blanket, we own soaking it up.. she didn't know to just cut the valve off. I don't want to be, nor do I feel responsible for her going forward, but if my kids are going to spend any time in her home.... OR do I just let her fail and hope I end up with custody down the road? 

She stayed out past 3:30 and 2:30 am the last two nights... she's going to have to realize she's gonna lose them in a hurry if she does that when she's got the kids. 

I seem to recall your kids are older, so they should be able to communicate any issues.  Luckily, my ex has been responsible to date. I convinced her to pay me rent until she found and moved into a home so there was a smooth transition for my girls' into their new home. She invited me to look at her new home, so I inspected it to ensure it was safe, and it was. I pointed out a slow water leak where her fridge would go in a few weeks, and she asked me if I would fix it, and I said no. She had to pay a plumber to fix it. 😆 All those years of her devaluing my efforts!  As far as her figuring out how to be a responsible adult, well sometimes necessity is the best motivator.

lily wrote:

Shy and talented - you are going to have the closet lesbians lining up for you!

 

There was a time in college where everyone I was meeting was Bi, so it wouldn't be the first time.