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February 22, 2024 1:27 pm  #1


Just Need Some Support with the Divorce Process

So. The nightmare continues in my world and I am getting tired. I am wondering if anyone has gone through something similar....because it's starting to feel surreal.

I am trying to get divorced. I have gone pretty much no contact. Everything is through the lawyers. I am far from perfect, and I have made many mistakes along the way in life....but, every time I turn around he's spewing hate and lies at me (through lawyers). On one hand, it's completely ridiculous and, on the other hand, it really hurts.

The majority of his claims I knew nothing about, and a lot of them are personal attacks against me and how horrible I am. Despite the therapy, setting boundaries, going no contact, working on myself....different things still manage to get through on and off, and it's hard. I find myself thinking....did he really think all of these things along the way? Is this how he truly felt this entire time....while I was just merrily thinking I had this great marriage and amazing supportive husband....

It's pretty humiliating, not gonna lie. Going through this process. Having him spew his hate and lies at me, and thinking about how deeply I loved this man and would have done anything for him...

It is coming up on two years since he walked out, and I am just getting so very tired of the abuse. I also now have legal documentation that he thinks I'm stupid and a failure at life. So, that's nice....

 

February 22, 2024 4:51 pm  #2


Re: Just Need Some Support with the Divorce Process

Anon,

Am very sorry you're going through this. Divorce is painful and TGT adds a huge uncomfortable layer.

No one asks for these problems and the other party is oblivious to the anguish they're causing us.  My late ex lived in a 'me, myself, and I' world. He made flying monkeys out of members of my family and our neighbors. He browbeat me again as I was trying to leave a scary marriage.

I tried my best to withstand the huge stress the process was causing me knowing the end date would happen. Eventually it did. It will for you, too.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

February 22, 2024 6:34 pm  #3


Re: Just Need Some Support with the Divorce Process

Anon2222,

What is "legal documentation that he thinks you are stupid"?    I think and judge or lawyer would laugh at that and see it for what it is.

I feel you ... it is hell on earth..  It took me 2.5 years... my GX dragged it on..  lies and all kind of things said about me.. I can only conclude that like my not knowing about TGT...I also did not know about the hatred.  
Its not worth thinking about... they are not normal.. a normal person would not hide TGT and hatred and dislike for years...    
Sadly its expensive and one can only hope at some point he sees the absurdity of the expense.   For myself the courts wanted it off the books...end it or set a trial date.   So there I was clutching my bible letting my lawyer deal with the screaming and lies.    

Stoicism and faith is all I can recommend..


"For we walk by faith, not by sight .."  2Corinthians 5:7
 

February 22, 2024 7:52 pm  #4


Re: Just Need Some Support with the Divorce Process

I am actually afraid of him. I want nothing to do with him and I just wish he would leave me alone.

He sent me a dozen page letter about everything he hates about me, insulting my intelligence, telling me he knew I would fail in life and how he has always been so kind and empathetic to me....while I just made it impossible to come out because I was so horrible to him. He states he always acted in the best interest of the marriage and I was the one who treated him so horribly he's been in therapy to deal with how horrible I have treated him. How ironic.

He then proceeds to comment on things I have done a YEAR after he walked out....personal details that I have never shared. So now I'm also freaked out about why and how he even knows this...and what does it even matter....

I am not happy with my lawyer. Because his lawyer sent this stupid letter to my lawyer and my lawyer just forwarded it along.....so I got to read a 12 page essay about how I am the worst person in the world and it's a miracle he survived me. I would like to know what the point of this is exactly. And how long am I expected to be his punching bag? 

     Thread Starter
 

February 22, 2024 9:22 pm  #5


Re: Just Need Some Support with the Divorce Process

Hey there Anon

That man's a real piece of work. And he obviously knows you're afraid of him, so for a start do you have a trusted friend who can read any correspondence he sends through his lawyer/your lawyer?  because it sounds like you need a buffer...somebody who can read it first then remind you yip, still a loser. I don't know how it works in the US but that sort of mail should be giving your lawyer red flags....(edited to say)..and black marks against his name.….as far the divorce goes..

Elle

Last edited by Ellexoh_nz (February 22, 2024 9:24 pm)


KIA KAHA                       
 

February 22, 2024 10:59 pm  #6


Re: Just Need Some Support with the Divorce Process

Anon, do you think you might want a restraining order for peace of mind? You don't deserve to be treated like that. It's coercive and harassing.

I was granted a temporary one and was working on making it permanent when the GIDXH passed away.

I called the National Domestic Violence Hotline for help when my then ex was nonstop calling, texting and emailing me. It doesn't hurt to call them for support and guidance.
https://www.thehotline.org/

Some attorneys may not want to get involved in that part of a divorce. I'd think they'd have a moral and professional obligation but may choose not to exercise it.


No - It's not too late. It's not hopeless. Even there, there's something I can do. I just have to find the will. Ikiru (1952), film directed by Akira Kurosawa 
 

February 23, 2024 12:19 am  #7


Re: Just Need Some Support with the Divorce Process

I was told that there's not enough substantive abuse to count in the legal sense. And he has never physically assaulted me. He has punched through a door....several times. I have debated if I am just being paranoid...but there's just something in my gut that keeps screaming he's not safe to be around. 

Which is why I went to only having contact through lawyers, but it is costing me a fortune. And I really am trying my hardest to not let this get to me, but man he is making it so very hard. Unfortunately, he knows me well and he knows my vulnerabilities and just how to hurt me....which is the cruel irony of all this I guess, not only do I have to deal with everything he dumped on me, I also have to spontaneously fix every insecurity, flaw, and everything I've ever struggled with overnight to protect myself. Because he knows me, and I was open, honest, and vulnerable during the marriage. Meanwhile, he was a stranger.

     Thread Starter
 

February 24, 2024 3:09 pm  #8


Re: Just Need Some Support with the Divorce Process

Anon - I am so sorry you are dealing with this! I hope the divorce is final soon. He is using every tactic to get under your skin! He is the sad and pathetic one!

Can you ask your lawyer only to forward letters or administrative actions to finalizing your divorce? You wish not to engage in meaningless name-calling. The lawyer works for you.

 

February 26, 2024 10:48 am  #9


Re: Just Need Some Support with the Divorce Process

Anon, I have no advice but so much sympathy.  

Can't go over it, can't go under it, can't go around it, got to go through it.  That's what I kept telling myself when I was going through the meat-grinder that was my divorce.

I think your husband is working really hard to come up with reasons why his failures are all your fault.  Some day you'll look back on this and you'll be so grateful it's all in the rear view mirror.  I know that doesn't help now.  Feel free to vent here, we've all walked in your footsteps.


Relinquere fraudator, vitam lucrari.
 

February 27, 2024 8:58 am  #10


Re: Just Need Some Support with the Divorce Process

Anon - I am so sorry. Awful. I can relate, but without the violence. MY ex wife to this day lies about me. I figure she cant help herself, because if she faced the reality of how she treated me, how she puts her own children last, she would probably take her own life. So she must deflect elsewhere.

Good advise above, if you are afraid, try to get a restraining order. I hope you have a judge and county that will help, not all will. Mine could care less that I documented her behavior, broken promised and lies. She dragged things out over 1.5 years and it was absolutely exhausting. Focus on what makers you happy and do whatever you have to do to protect your peace. 

Hang in there, it does get better. These people are sick (no different than cancer). Does not absolve them, but helps to understand what you are up against.

 

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