I am friends with my ex gay boyfriend. He would never admit that he was gay. After I broke up with him, I reconnected with some one from my past and am happily married. I am not mad at the gay ex. I don't spend time with him because I am married but I am friendly with him. I remember the pain and the anger when I found out. I wish you all the best.

Our history is everything to me, and I know it means a lot to her. It's part of the reason she told me almost right away that she is gay. She didn't want to lead me on or taint our past by her lying who she is or faking it for me.
We talked about staying together briefly but in the end we know it wouldn't be fair to either of us, if we want to find happiness in this life.
We both imagine us friends and getting along with each others partners, and co-parenting our boys. I just don't know how to get there.
I am happy for her finding what she felt has been missing for her whole life. Of course at the same time, the cost of this is our marriage, and me.

Hi Corey,

Glad to hear the decision is already made to separate, and that she is not continuing to hide her gayness.

A note of warning - she may change her mind if things don't go well with her girlfriend (yes it seems to me inevitable she already has a girlfriend because she is talking separation and being happy).

I think it is achievable to get to a civilised co-parenting once you are settled into your new lives but I hear you when you say you don't know how to get there.

Like it or not, with or without a girlfriend waiting in the wings, there is a romantic betrayal here - so that is a wedge in transforming into a friendship straightaway.  You need space to feel the way you do, it hurts like hell.  

There is an old saying about divorce which entirely escapes me right now but the meaning is wait til after the divorce, then you can decide if you want to be friends or not.

First you have to go through the process of not being her husband any more, of separating your lives as a married couple and it's sort of like where the rubber meets the road - that's where you will get the measure of the person you married.  That quote I do remember, it's from Zsa Zsa Gabor who got married a number of times - Darling, you don't know the man you married until you divorce him. 

You are her friend, essentially I can tell that from your post - you are a supportive friendly good quality person and now let's find out if the same is true of her.

It's years now I have been reading the stories here.  So often we feel we have these very best friend relationships and I was no exception but now I am on the other side of divorce and plenty of room in the rear view mirror I see my ex wasn't ever my friend like I was his - he's a bit of a grifter really, he didn't ever have my best interests at heart.

Thank you everyone for the replies and stories, I appreciate it all.

Me and my Ex talked more last, and we both understand it's going to be hard to be friends, and harder for me then her. But we do have awesome communication tha5 we developed over our years married to each other, and with proper boundaries in place and honest conversations we believe we can do this.

With the housing crisis where I live, our kids, and the fact that we both don't want to lose each other in our lives, we are determined to make this happen.

I have to remain positive even though this hurts like hell, and the thought of us not together, hurts.

We do plan on doing some counciling together, as well we have both been going to our own therapists.
I have to have faith, that all this was meant for something. That it will be good in the end. That I can be happy and so can she.

Thanks again everyone, much love.

ellierigg wrote:

I don’t like to give advice, but as support I will offer you what I think is important for you and that is- dare to feel all your feelings, and don’t forget that you are a whole person and can be happy without her. You can.

Ellie - What beautiful advice to don't forget you are a whole person and fail to think about your needs and desires! It's not selfish or self-preservation! It's human!